Water Logic the Motion of Relationships

It is fascinating to me how intimidating water can be. Sixty percent of the human body is made up of it and seventy percent of the earth is covered by it. All the same, most of us find moments where we are shaken by water or stand and watch it in awe. When starting swimming lessons most splash around the steps, but only in rare occasions does someone jump right in. With instruction and practice they begin to venture out. Thrashing and splashing so that everyone around gets soaked. Still tense they struggle to hold their face high out of the water. As they practice and get more specific instruction their motion becomes more fluid and they begin to relax. A rhythm and pattern replace the frantic slapping of the water’s surface. Soon they are propelling themselves rapidly across the surface. With enough time and practice, beauty will replace the splashing about.

Colossians 3:14 “And above all these put on Love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony”.

Like that student learning to swim, marriages can be quite similar. When we are first married, we splash around and have a lot of fun. Laughing and carrying on, but not getting down to the real work. Depending on a lot of factors we all jump in to the real relationship at different times. The honeymoon is over and we find we need to work through the details. We begin to train and learn how to navigate our marriage the same way as learning to swim. When we work together we find that rhythm together as with swimming. Relationships take practice and training just like an athlete in the water. Depending on how well you want to perform will dictate how much you do. Self teaching will only carry your marriage so far. A self taught swimmer never goes to the Olympics. You need coaching in order to improve. Coaches can include parents, pastors, friends and counselors. Do not be afraid to ask for help in order to improve your relationship.

There are many tools to learn from: observing examples, seminars, books, even specific verbal instruction. You need to talk to your spouse and set a plan. Relationships are like water. They shift and flow with surrounding pressures. This constant change can become very stressful if you do not learn to balance the emotions within it.

Understand also that sometimes you have to play. Just like the athlete that takes the time to splash with their friends in the water. Enjoy each other for the simple joy it is to be together. The athlete does not work out every day simply for the prize. They also invest in the time for the love of the sport.
Not everything has to be about perfecting your stroke or excelling beyond everyone else. Some of it is simply for the experience.

Work together because you value and respect each other.

Where is Your Fire?

You feel the heat pounding at your covered skin, crackling sounds surround you everywhere. In the distance you watch trees exploding, like a bomb was pushed in their center. Shards of small debris and earth take flight. The oxygen sucking from your chest as a bright orange glow races towards you. Dropping to the ground and hiding your face you listen as a train races up to you. Only a thin layer of fabric separates you from the outside. Winds swirling and pulling at you as you pray and wait. Is this the end…or the beginning? If you get out of this you promise to live life differently.

II Thessalonians 3:3 “But the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one”.

The thrill, excitement and fear create a rush of adrenalin that can’t be imagined unless you have been in a similar experience. Your body tingles as you feel every change in the air. Your ears are sensitive to the slightest changes in sound. Your body convulsing with the desire to flee, knowing if you run you will not survive. Fighting between logic and fear, you weigh in ever second. Finally, the fire has burned by. You stand up to look around. The ground is charred all around you. The heat still pounds at you, making it difficult to breathe. What was an area impassable because of vegetation is now open and devastated. Your brain starts to work again and you look around. The nagging questions rush over you as you slowly search for the other members of your team. Feeling relief, after you have a count and all are still there.

What gives your relationship that jump start. That rush of adrenalin that heightens the senses. I really believe that we all need to find that fire that burned so bright when we were newly married. It is a time when nothing else matters but each other. Every part of our survival bound to that other person. Not just getting through life, but adding value to life and each other? We need to invest in our relationship and find what it takes to meet the needs of our spouse. We need to clearly communicate our needs to our spouse as well. Do not hide in fantasy and dreams, but include each other in reality and goals.

My wife, trying to understand and share in a dream of mine, volunteered as a fire fighter for six months. Even though it scared her to death, she found a connection to me and the industry I loved. Accepting her limitations we found an area that she could be involved, but not so overwhelmed. Even though we were each doing different jobs we were able to support and encourage each other.

In my wife’s case she desires to take dance lessons. It is a desire attached to a romantic idea of dressing up and elegance. Leaving all our worries behind and just learning how to move together in different way. Just as in this, find dreams and desires that can be accomplished with each other. Things that put the fire back in your marriage. Accomplishments, that you can both be encouraged doing as well as a time to connect and share with each other. Some things may be overwhelming and scary, but they offer understanding into what makes each of us special and drawn to each other. Try new things or go back to some old things you have stopped doing.

Create a safe, relaxed moment where you can put the fire back in your marriage.

Loving Routine

What is it about a cup of coffee in the morning? Is it the warm cup in your hands, the steam on your nose, or the taste in the morning? All over the world, coffee is prepared in different ways. People develop their preferences in bean, style, and added ingredients. There are heated debates on what makes the best cup of coffee. Drip, pressed, or espresso, but they all start with water and coffee beans.

Ephesians 5:28 “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself”.

Men and women develop routines and behaviors to improve ourselves all through school. Spending time in a weight room or practicing our sport, if we are an athlete. Studying, reading and research if we are academic oriented. Mixing and experimenting if our main craving is food. After graduation unless we are part of that elite, we change our focus. We spend more energy holding on to jobs and improving our financial base so we can survive. We work for gain so that we can feed little indulgences, such as a cup of coffee. Not that coffee is critical for our very existence, but simply a pleasure to start our day.

What is it that you do for yourself to just feel a little better? For me a cup of coffee is a source of balance in my world. I started to enjoy coffee on the cold mornings after practicing in an outdoor pool. It wasn’t so much the taste, but the warming feeling it offered in my hands that seemed to move throughout my body. I would breathe in the steam that seemed to open up my lungs. After years I acquired a taste for the source of heat and people around me started to offer their recommendations on the best way to enjoy coffee. My surfing coach always explained simple is better. Nothing is better than a black coffee from VG’s after surfing. While I worked as a medic a doctor introduced me to coffee so thick you could pour it out on your pancakes. With a little syrup you would have a nutty taste that would kick start the next 24 hour shift. All and all, I began to enjoy my coffee routine.

My wife on the other hand had not acquired a taste for coffee that I had. Wanting her to find the pleasure I found in a morning cup of coffee, I began mixing and searching for blends that gave her some understanding of the joy that I had. It started with mocha and bagel with cream cheese at work. We started brewing coffee at home experimenting with different blends. In this experience we realized that it was not simply the coffee that we enjoyed, but the time together in the morning. I found that I could nurture my wife by getting up and preparing a cup of coffee in the morning. Waking up a few minutes earlier, so we could drink our coffee together and talk without interruption. Sometimes we would watch the sun come up together and enjoy the beauty of the day. Share a verse or poem we had read while still in bed. Most importantly, we were together. Taking time together to reinforce the love we have for each other. Once the day has started it is tough to connect, especially when we are running different directions. In the evening we find we are both tired and distracted by the needs of our children. But in the morning, it is our time. We are able to focus on each other and encourage each other as we prepare for our day.

So what is your routine that you do for yourself? The one thing I know for sure is we all have habits or routines that we do to care for ourselves. Doing something to help our mental health and find a little joy in each day. In marriage it is important that you find that something that you can do with each other. You desire to feel good and positive. Wouldn’t it make sense to include your spouse in this time? We are now one body, one unit so it is important to find one time together. It may be morning, afternoon, or evening. The important thing is discussing it and finding something that works for the both of you.

Re-Evaluate Marriage Needs and Goals...

Several years ago we let my older boys get some video games, that after seeing them, we decided our youngest son didn’t need to play them. It’s been several years since that decision was made. Now that his friends are playing similar games he would like to play them also. He has asked if we would relook at the games and see if we could let him play them with his older brothers. We realized we need to honor this request. Not that we will change our stance. He simply has a desire that we look at the game now that he is older.


I Peter 2:16 “Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God.”

Marriages go through changes as well. You each grow older, needs change, and the desires of your heart shift. Every so often you need to take time to re-evaluate things in your life. Some things will be tangible changes other things will be emotion based. If you have plans and goals written down this helps the process along.

Start with tangible changes that you both can grasp. Many times we have accomplished the goals we originally set, but don’t realize we surpassed those earmarks. Taking the time does not mean you have to change the direction you are going, but to make sure it is still what both of you want. Life events may change priorities and it may be as simple as the duration of time for a specific goal. Moving things sooner or later based on events and changes in family. A child born or parent dying can really alter priorities in our own lives. Look at the goals you have written down. Acknowledge when you see you have accomplished some plans and consider all things listed that are still unattained. Have your goals changed in some way or do you have different needs? These are the things you can put your finger on and measure. Make sure that these goals are attainable and not dreams that are so far reaching they will be a constant source of frustration. By setting goals together that list individual needs, needs as a couple, and family needs you are aware and help each other accomplish them.

The area that is most difficult to measure and monitor is the emotional changes you both go through. As you age and mature your needs will also change. Emotional needs are harder to measure so communication is critical. Be honest with each other. This is not a time to be sensitive, but listen to each other. Are you meeting each other’s needs?

Time:
Consider the time you spend together and apart. Is this enough or do you need something to change. Are there other time needs you need facilitated for each other? (Church, friends, family) Discuss how to best serve those needs.

Touch:
Touch is an area that can be significant. How much contact and type of contact you need from each other can be an area never discussed. Because you never talk about it, the problem is addressed after you are no longer willing to discuss it.

Sex:
This is a time to talk about sex. Are you satisfying each other? What foreplay do you both need and want? Has your wife reached an orgasm or does she have no idea what an orgasm feels like? Has she had children? Things may be different after the trauma of childbirth and you will need to explore this as well. Many times we gain new aches and pains that take the pleasure away. Rather than simply tolerating the pain, talk about it. Your spouse may be tolerating the pain as well trying to satisfy you.

Communication:
Communication can change as well. Figure out what location best suits your communication together. As your family grows it may be harder to find somewhere private that you can relax and talk. Some things will change in how you show your love for each other. I know over time some of the cute little poems and notes were harder to think of. Not that my love for my spouse was any less, but they just didn’t flow as freely and were frustrating. If you were doing anything like this, talk about it. Don’t just simply stop doing it.

How many times are you discouraged or disappointed when you lose something? This change can cause conflict if you don’t take the time to talk about the disappointment. Cry together, laugh together and enjoy each other as you talk about how your body and mind are getting older. Most of all accept the importance of recognizing each other’s changes, needs and desires.

Implied or Reality, It Hurts The Same...

When a soldier loses a leg or arm they talk about phantom pains. The limb is no longer there, but they swear they can feel it. He or she feels the sensations of movement and the pain of that damaged limb. Even though the limb is gone the pain is very real. Treating the soldier requires you to accept the pain is real and treat the pain as well as the person.

Psalms 35:17 “How long, O Lord, will you look on? Rescue me from their destruction, my precious life from the lions!”

How many conflicts could be avoided if we just listened and avoided the situation from the start? What begins as an innocent moment or event can become a crisis in our marriage. When the green eyed monster rears its head we must evaluate the situation and address the markers that prompted it. Jealousy is not always a negative response or mistrust, but a protective action for the marriage. Embrace it without offense and talk through what is going on. Infidelity, even implied can cause irreparable damage. Take the warning signs seriously to avoid a lifetime of pain.

If you have worked on your marriage from the start you should have established good communication skills. Utilize those skills.

Consider your image when you are out and about. There are many pitfalls in the world that married couples need to be aware of. Social events, work, even the computer can offer traps to a couple. In themselves innocent and mundane, but in the hands of some can become an arena for misconceptions and deceptions. Do not let yourself get in those situations. Either implied or reality they can leave the same wounds. From the outside what does your behavior imply? For example: having lunch with a co-worker every day in itself is nothing, but if you begin to move to a more secluded location and your conversations become hushed and distant implies something else. If your conversation at home is all about that co-worker it can cause insecurity. Be aware of what you are doing and what compromises others are encouraging you to do. Do not leave things open to become something damaging.

Know yourself and what weaknesses you have. For instance, I know I am a rescuer by nature. If someone needs help, I will go out of my way to make things all better. Not only is it part of my character, but I have invested a lot of time and education to condition my responses. There are those that play the damsel in distress well. If my wife and I did not have clear communication it would have been easy to slip into one of those traps. Be sensitive to the intuition of your wife when the barbs come up. This is not a time to argue or fight, but to listen and figure out what the signs your spouse is reacting to and begin distancing yourself from the hazard.

Midlife crisis is another excuse of the world for childish behaviors and throwing caution to the wind. Mortality has been thrown in your face and you scramble to regain your youth. Reality is, you cannot run away from reality, and the damage because you try affects everyone around you. You destroy the trust of your spouse and show your children a behavior that may encourage them to avoid responsibility and become destructive themselves. Do not regret what you have not done, be blessed by the things you have done. Reflect on family, friends, and successes. Do not compromise your values for a moment.

Life is fragile and we need to help each other. Not only should a couple be careful, but the friends you surround yourself with can help as well. When they recognize you doing something foolish or compromising be receptive to them correcting you. Family can be a great assistance as well. Use your family as a gage of your behavior. If they feel that they can’t be honest you probably shouldn’t be doing whatever you are thinking.

Self time and selfish time are totally different. To take a moment for you is alright. Regroup and find value in yourself and the things you are doing or to study in order to better yourself. On the other hand to shift and ignore the needs of everyone else around for self pleasure or gratification is wrong and destructive. Beware of those that encourage that destructive behavior. They are not your friends. Do not open yourself up to the manipulation of others or compromising situations. They do not have the investment of love and life that your spouse does.

Be devoted and honorable to your spouse and go through the adventure together.

Foregiveness

Since I am down a bit down today I want to ask a question.

How many times should you forgive your husband or wife?

All thoughts and comments welcome. It's your turn to share your thoughts.

A Content Life

My absolute favorite feeling is after surfing for a day. My skin is cool from the water and I would come in and lay out on the soft sand and let the sun warm me up. Laying back totally relaxed from a great morning with my muscles flaccid and exhausted, ocean breeze blowing by so it’s not too hot and hearing the ocean waves rolling in the background. This is my perfect moment.

Proverbs 13:12 “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life”.

Are you content or complacent in your marriage? Just like that perfect moment of contentment there was work involved. I think too many people confuse complacency as being content. Being afraid to desire because you don’t want to be sinning is just silly rational for not doing anything. Caught in a cycle of just living life without any goals or desires for the future.

How do couples and families get stuck in this cycle of existence? There are many possible causes. The most common I can see is crisis or tragedy. Being run over by a SUV caused some complacency in my life for a bit. Fortunately, my wife was aware enough to intervene when she saw me showing signs of depression. Losing my ability to do many of the activities I enjoyed really drove me to a place of complacency while I was focused on what I lost. I forgot about the many things I enjoyed doing with my wife because I was wrapped up in the can not do’s I was given by the doctors caring for me.

Finances can play a big part in things you stop doing also. Recently, I was reminded of something we stopped doing because of limited financial resources. A pleasure we enjoyed that just required a little creativity and the blessing of a friend to resolve and restore. I realized that it was not something I needed to stop doing, just needed to be a little more creative in accomplishing. In our case my wife and I enjoy live theater. Rather than being discouraged because we cannot afford large-scale performances, we realized we were equally entertained and relaxed in a small community venue. Look at your particular situation and likes and see if there is a way you can still experience those events or things that bring you both joy.

Goals can play a big role in marriage conflict and complacency. Early in your marriage you should come together and write down your goals. List personal goals for each of you as well as couple goals. List tangible and non-tangible items. If you have a desire, list it. If you want to conquer a fear, include it on the plan. I believe that God gives us desires to strive for and accomplish together. Through your life you will need to occasionally revisit and re-evaluate those goals. Celebrate the accomplishments, marvel at the ones that are no longer important, and make new ones. As we live, grow, and change together so will our goals and priorities. I believe couples that do not keep active goals together will lose their drive and just begin existing. Two ships passing day by day, mooring together every once in a while because that is what is expected.

Find contentment in your marriage. Use planning tools. Communicate with each other. Set active goals that you support each other in reaching. Work together to manage limitations. And encourage each other. This is the formula for contentment. Life is going to change and unexpected things will occur. One or the other of you will be down every so often. The key is to recognize these moments and encouraging each other through. Being together and valuing each other is critical to your life. Overcoming struggles just makes you stronger together.

Are you going to let life dictate your mood and relationship or are you going to dictate your mood and your life together?

Regretful Things

Hot in the news are stories about what is being coined road rage. Again our roads are becoming places of verbal outrage battered back and forth. In some cases that rage is becoming more physical or threatening. Some of the news media has contributed this to the added stress of the economy and direction of our country. Consider this, if the highly visible problems around the nation are being considered factors contributing to the visible stress of the people. How many problems are being hidden behind closed doors?

Romans 12:9 “Let love be genuine, Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good”.

There are times we are all under points of stress. Whether it be work, money, or other people we can feel pressure all around us. If we do not manage that stress then we have a tendency of exploding at the most inopportune times. After exploding we replay the events and gain insight into how we were behaving. That time of reflection causes a sinking feeling in your chest. What do you do now?
It is important that we all put some tools in place to manage the stress we are under. If we do not manage our stress then our outbursts can cause hurt to those we love the most. Those moments can destroy our witness to others as well. So many marriages fall apart because of the hurt caused by these moments. Individual couples will need to discuss processes and develop ways of releasing stress in their relationship. I will make some suggestions, but it is important that you find methods that work for you.

Schedule
I have been involved in a lot of high stress careers. Because of things that would occur at work I would come home heavy hearted. I would share events that happened from my shift to get them off my mind, but never considered the impact on my wife. We recognized the need for this time, but also realized we needed to do something for my wife as well. We put together a schedule for our household. For the first 30 minutes after I get home we would talk about my time at work and her day. After the 30 minutes we focus on the family and things around the house.

Activity
We figured out that there are times when I just needed to physically unload some of the pent up stress from the day. Frustration would cause me to feel knotted up and angry. We found something that would benefit the household as well. We would gather wood rounds and when I would come home I would go out and split wood. If I was splitting wood, then everyone in the family knew I was venting proactively and would allow me the time uninterrupted. I would come in and talk after I was a bit more collected.

Venting
There are times that we would both voice the frustrations from the day. Yell, cry or just talk through the day. It is critical that you allow total honesty and not take offense of anything said. You need to create a safe place for the both of you. Nothing said while venting can be used against each other later. It is important to identify that you are going to take a venting moment (or in some cases, have just taken a venting moment). This will help prepare both of you for the exercise to follow. Understand that this is an open time that all emotion and random thoughts can be voiced. After venting understand that you may both be exhausted. Let each other recover before you try to engage in further conversation.

Delay response
If a situation arises that sets you off, take a moment. Walk away for a short time and consider what was said. How do you best respond to avoid regret later? In some cases it may be best not to respond. It is important that if your spouse voices they need a moment you give them that room. Come back together with cool minds and emotions. By waiting you most likely won’t regret what you say or cause hurt.

Whatever method you decide is best for you and your family; don’t be rigid on one set plan. As you grow and mature situations may change and with it process will change also. It is important that you keep communication open. Learn how to manage your reactions because of emotion. Be wise and teach your children well also. You are modeling communication tools that your kids will adopt in their own life.

Point System

We are taught from the first year of school how important points are. Kindergarten awards points for behavior and as we develop that system is transferred to a scale measuring our success. In high school it may be the grades you earn. If you are working it may be a measurement for monthly, semi-annual or annual evaluations. In all cases points are a measure against something we have done for some reward.

Hebrews 8:12 “For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more.”

I was talking with a friend about the party he put together for his wife and the points he gained for it. By doing something special and outstanding for his wife he has gained favor. With this favor he has the ability to exchange it for an opportunity to do something he desires to do himself. Hunting, fishing or another manly thing he would like to do this spring. How many husbands bank points so that they can do something they want? Not that I am telling you this is wrong, but to offer food for thought.

When we are married we give up the possession of our own body. We give it as a gift freely to our spouse. In so doing we have committed to the care of our spouse as well. Should we then be keeping score in order to negotiate for selfish desires? On the other hand, should we let our desires be known so that our spouse can give us the desires of our heart out of love for each other?

We do need to find ways to motivate each other. We may need to encourage each other to accomplish things that need to get done. Simple motivation or exchange can be a part of a relationship, but how is that exchange managed. Rather than an exchange service for service or point for point we need to find the best way to support each other. Find a method that is healthy for our relationship. Every relationship is different so needs and motivation will be different for each couple. You need to talk through these things so that you find the best way to care for your spouse and they know how to best care for you.

In whatever you decide make it special to the two of you. What works for someone else may not be the same for you. This is where outside advice may just complicate your life. You can hear different ideas that other people use, but always find what works best for you.

Marriage Isn't Violent

I have several years working with different extreme situations. The one that has torn my heart out the most is seeing violence in the family. I have watched the cycle of violence from the outside for years. As a medic, investigator, advocate or pastor I have seen the harm violence has caused generations. The cycle of violence has been proven over and over again. The truth is violence does not belong in any relationship and anyone telling you it is okay is wrong. What was kept to marriage is now becoming more prevalent with dating couples, younger and younger.

I Corinthians 13: 4-8 “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong-doing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends”.

It is important that I explain the cycle of violence for those that don’t understand or are caught in it and don’t realize it. If you are caught in the cycle, recognize it and find help to change it, because it is not alright. The cycle starts in the honeymoon stage. Everything is wonderful and filled with gifts and pleasurable feelings. Many times considered the best time of your life. As you both grow more comfortable tension starts to take the place of the joy you had. Tension is then replaced by an action of violence. Violence and abuse can be physical and/or emotional. After the abusive event the abuser will go into a state of remorse. The whole cycle starts back over with the honeymoon phase again. If you don’t break the cycle it will just continue. The only thing that will change is the length of the phases becoming shorter and shorter.

The cycle is a trap and many times it is taught from generation to generation. When things are going good it is usually very good, but when things are bad it becomes very bad. I have met so many people that enable this cycle because they blame themselves for the actions of the other. Nothing you have done justifies violence against you. They may be a good person, but they have a serious problem. Do not let it be taught to your children. Don’t be fooled that you can control it either. Nothing you can do will stop the cycle without outside help.

If anyone tells you it will pass, that it is normal or to ignore it they are as much of the problem as the one being violent. Seek out wise counsel from friends, family or outside agencies. Also, do not be fooled by stereotypes. Both men and women can be abusers.

If you have a friend going through anything like this stop the cycle! The only thing you can do is get them help. There are many organizations out there to help. If you are not sure seek wise counsel. Be a friend and get them real help. Don’t wait until you get to stand over their grave. If you are in this cycle get out before.

For all others realize marriage is a blessed union. Never raise a hand against one another. The Bible offers clear guidance for your relationship. Remember that the promise of marriage is also a commitment to Protect and Love each other.

You should never have to endure any violence at home.

Who's Job Is It

Companies spend a lot of time preparing and editing job descriptions. Each employee is given specific expectations as well as earmarks to measure their level of performance. Usually annually the employee will undergo a review to discuss their performance and expectations. Each year they push to improve their score for money, time, or other compensation. Most important though is that they do well and have a job for the next year.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.”

There are necessary jobs in a household to keep things going as well. You drive hard to maintain your job which may be gone tomorrow. How much harder should you work for the marriage that is forever? How you divide the work at home can have a long lasting impact on your life together. Talk to each other and clearly define expectations. I have heard a lot of conflict around the division of housework. Separating duties by men’s work and women’s work can cause even more conflict. Beware of stereo-types to define roles of the household. Instead, work together to share the work all around. You will each have skills, likes and dislikes. Some things you may both dislike, but if you separate those tasks between the two of you it will go much easier. Do not just ignore the tasks that you dislike.

If you take the time to find a schedule or rhythm then your household will run smoothly. I would suggest finding things you can do together to ease the load. Cooking for instance can be not only accomplished easier, but offer a fun time. Chores can be part of your foreplay as you find creative ways to play together while getting things accomplished. Your best times can be accomplished when you get away from your traditional daily schedule and find ways to relax together.

If the household is in order then it is easier to focus on each other. Many husbands may not be so impacted by a house out of order, but if you want the full attention of your wife work to put things right. Wives will be distracted if there are things that need to be done. Understand they function where all parts of their brain run together. Because of this they will be divided by the many things in their life. If you want them to focus on you it is important to eliminate as many outside distractions as possible.

Sunny Day but Clouds on the Way

So I was listening to the news this morning and if you know anything about Oregon we have an incredible variety of weather. We can have sunshine one minute and hail the next without too much effort. When the sun is out people race out to soak up a little joy, but when the clouds start rolling in we race home to layer up.

Psalm 18:2 “ The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold”.

Marriage is so much like days in Oregon. We can be having the time of our life and all of a sudden struggles come up. Newly married couples are at a height of blissful emotion that may help them steer through the first few conflicts, but at some time we all have to deal with things. This does not mean that struggles are bad, but we may have to change a little for the situation. First look at ourselves. What is it that is affecting us? Is it something we are willing to change or is it something that shapes who we are. Second is our spouse. Is it something that has changed or is it part of which they have been all along? Third is the situation. What has happened? We were going along soaking up the sun and now we are racing home to prepare for the cold. Situations arise to strengthen our relationship together just like a storm brings water to support the spring and summer flowers, trees and fields. The question is preparation. Have you gathered the tools so that you are prepared when things happen?

You need to have your tools ready. The first tool you need is resolve. Are you resolute in your commitment to each other? Ready to stand by each other through all events? Without resolve you have no way to hold things together. It is your anchor point. The second tool you need is Love. You need enduring true love that will help you navigate the storm. The third thing you need is communication. Have you developed a way to open and maintain communication in your marriage? It is important that you talk and practice using the tools of communication when things are good. By being prepared with communication skills, it will help you work through the storm together. The final thing I would suggest you need is a network. Do you have a team of friends and family that will honestly answer your questions and help encourage your marriage? Your network can build up or break down your marriage depending on who you gather around you. It is critical that you know their position in your relationship before you weather the storms that arise in life.

Learn to love the storm as much as the sunshine, because life is so much fuller with both. Draw closer to each other. Find rest and energy in the sunshine. Take joy in weathering the storm together. Encourage others and be aware that those around you are watching the model you show in your marriage.

Be a positive example to others.

So You Want the Fairy Tale Marriage

You dream of the hero, strong and gallant whisking you off your feet or the princess that dotes on your every thought, swoons at your every action, and is admired by everyone. You have aspirations of the perfect wedding and the happily ever after. So the question is what does it take to have that fairy tale?

Ecclesiastes 3:12,13 “I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil- this is God’s gift to man”.

Look at the elements of the fairy tale. The beginning offers character development where you find out about the parties as children. You see one of two beginnings; the spoiled child with the frustrated parents or tragedy that causes the child to be raised by strangers. In both cases they are thrown into some sort of struggle of endurance, patience, and survival. The child grows to gain character and honor as an adult. Now the proof of love enters the story. Overcoming all types of physical challenge and emotional hardship they are brought together. Man and woman now battling together against the darkest powers they can imagine. It is only through completing the battle and overcoming the obstacles that they get to ride off, finding that ending of happily ever after.

So many times, I see couples trying to leap straight to the happily ever after, but forgetting the journey. At the first sign that their happily ever after is not going to happen they throw their marriage away. Real life, just like a fairy tale has stages and growth, destinations and journeys. In truth it is a series of adventures. It is through struggle and hardship that we gain appreciation for our mate. Only when we overcome what is standing in the way of our happiness do we get the chance to understand true happy bliss. In reality though the story doesn’t end there, but continues. We have new enemies to overcome and personal growth we need to embrace. After these moments we come together again, not only enjoying one moment of bliss, but are blessed with many cycles of pure joy and happiness. Without cycles life would be mundane and worthless. Remember…joy is a series of happy moments acknowledged and glued together.

There are those that seek “their” happily ever after based on the surface. Beauty and success are far more than looks and popularity. You need to define in yourself what you need and then what you need in a spouse. When you look deeper into others you may find that the one not so obvious choice is actually the better match for you.

Understand a fairy tale marriage takes work and dedication. Both of you have to strive to overcome that dark force that battles to take not only your joy, but life itself. You also need to be aware of those influences around you. Evaluate them to be sure whether they are friend or foe. Be prepared to fight with every inch of your life to protect each other from not only physical attacks, but also the unseen adversaries. If you are prepared and committed to each other, when you overcome those struggles in your lives you will experience those happily ever after moments.

Encouragement Verses Strengthening

Consider a weight lifter. In order to build up strength he will repeat the same work out over and over for several days slowly increasing the weight. To increase strength they must go beyond what is a comfortable routine and diligently repeat the exercise. Athletes who are serious about their goal will accept the demands and accountability of a qualified coach. A dedicated support person to help push them through the tough points in order for them to develop and grow stronger, while at the same time making sure they strive for their goal safely.

Romans 5:3-4 “More than that, we rejoice in our suffering, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope…”

I am writing this blog to not only encourage the marriage relationship, but to strengthen it. There is a big difference between these two processes. To encourage a marriage is to simply listen and tell them to keep trying. To strengthen marriage requires you to listen, asses the current situation and then give tools to build the marriage further. There are many people out there who will offer you words of encouragement, telling you to accept your lot in life. Friends may even tell you that you are shackled to your mate or situation because you made the decision to marry them. Encouragement is the simple pat on the back and the room to let you release some of the emotion that has built up. By simply offering encouragement we leave couples in a state of sorrow and frustration.

This blog is to strengthen marriages. Not simply something to read, but to take action in your own life. For a marriage to grow and become stronger takes activity. I hear of so many unhappy relationships where they stay together because that is what the Bible says, but miss the real joy because they are stuck in a cycle. The honeymoon is over and it is all about practical things. They have a roof over their head, food on the table and clothes on their back so they feel they have nothing more they can do. This thinking is all wrong. The Bible offers far more direction for our marriages than that. You need to be constantly developing and building your relationship. Not in a sense of physical strength, but emotional strength and dedication. You have to be active in your marriage and work at it in order for it to grow and become better. The wife that struggles with jealousy or the husband that doesn’t want to go home are signs of an unhealthy marriage. The marriage that is filled with arguments or quiet seclusion shows signs of a suffering marriage. Your marriage cannot always be in a state of tribulation unless you are not willing to accept the joy, growth, and hope that come after that struggle. You need to do the work, embrace the lessons, but accept the joy out of it as well. God has given the example of joy and love throughout His word. A simple example can be found throughout the Song of Solomon. Read it together.

When my wife and I got married, a family friend offered us a simple word of direction for our marriage as we were leaving the church. My wife wrote them down and I want to share them now.

“Water Your Garden”

Your marriage is like a garden. There are seasons of
change, beautiful flowers, weeds and thorns. It needs
water, food, protection, faith, and nurturing to grow.

In a marriage, each person is a garden, and it is the
responsibility of the spouse to water that garden, tend
it and even weed it when necessary. If a husband and
a wife tend each other’s garden faithfully, both will
grow. When we focus on our own garden, weeds will
grow and the relationship will be like an untended
garden, overgrown and sad.

In all gardens, there is a time to sow and a time to harvest.
Some of the most beautiful flowers have thorns, and the
fruit and blooms sprout from unexpected places.

So…remember…Water your garden.

So as I write the daily entries to this blog there is more than simply reading that goes along with it. You need to do the work. Take care of each other and build a stronger joy filled marriage. Push each other through the tough times and embrace each other in the joy of success. The prize is worth the pain if you are willing to go the extra mile.

Are You Committed?

The world has become unstable with the latest financial crisis. Jobs are disappearing left and right as more pressure is put on small business. The media is reporting that marriages are failing at an increased rate during this crisis. The government is coming up with plans to help those in financial struggle, bailing out banks, businesses and home owners, but no one is scrambling to save the families.

Revelation 2:4 “But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first”.

I am astounded by the attitude regarding marriage as I talk to different people. Young college couples are telling me how they have been encouraged to just live together. Marriage is not really necessary till you are older and need the tax write off’s. I also had one couple tell me that they were told marriage is a political position of the conservative right. One couple explained that they were trying each other on for size before they got married. All of the college age couples I talked to at the time, had no real idea why marriage even mattered. They figured if no one expects them to stay together anyway, then why go through the hassle.

I am here to tell you that marriage is important and not a political position. Marriage is a commitment to one other person that you promise to be with for the rest of your life. Marriage is not the paper you receive from the government. It is the covenant you make with God and that other person. Marriage can only be honorable if it is in line with the Bible and the law of the land. You cannot pick and choose what works for you. This is a structure since the beginning of time.
Seriously think before you are married. Are you prepared to commit the rest of your life with that man or woman you are thinking about? Have you talked with them and are they ready to commit that same promise to you? Is your relationship honorable to God? Being this relationship is a covenant with God as well as each other you need to be sure. Seek wise counsel in your relationship. It is important that you understand that politics and government philosophy has nothing to do with your marriage. Do not give them the power to dictate something that is contrary to the word of God. Divorce is not an option so be sure of your relationship before you make that commitment.

There is nothing wrong with being a virgin before you get marriage. Do not be fooled with the concept that you have to be compatible sexually before you can be sure they are the right person. This is another false concept. If you are invested and committed the sex will be fine and become better with time. In this area, not having the ability to compare really keeps life simple and eliminates an unnecessary conflict.

For those that are married, find the joy in your marriage. Be committed to your marriage. Put God in your marriage and find the joy. With this covenant you are able to tap into pure love that can make your relationship whole if you let Him. There will be times of struggle and lows in life, but it holds no bearing on the marriage you have committed to. Look past life to the person you promised your life to and value the time together.

Technology, Friend or Foe?

My wife and I had an issue with technology the other day. She emailed me a note asking me to do something. I couldn’t do it at the time, so I wrote back to remind me later. I was anxious about a meeting and was getting prepared at the time. I received an email exactly the same as the first, so I wrote back telling her not to be smart, I was already quite anxious. I had assumed that she was messing with me. She wrote back she wasn’t being smart. I responded just laying out the pressure I was feeling. The next day we were talking about it and realized there was a glitch in the email system and when she went to close out her browser it resent the initial email. She had been stewing all night because I had not apologized for accusing her of messing with me.

Ephesians 5:15 “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise”.

Technology has been promoted as a tool to ease our complicated lives. The truth is if we are not careful it can complicate it even more. Text, Email, voicemail, social media’s and instant messaging are all tools to share information quickly. We may focus on communicating with one person or a whole group. The problem is, “What is the message that is coming across? “ As in my example, because the dialog was electronic without other feedback, assumptions were made. Something so simple caused hurt to the both of us. I am not suggesting that you throw out all sources of technology, but not to let it replace face to face conversations where possible.

Consider this: I have watched teens sitting next to each other, text back and forth because they were more comfortable typing their conversation than to actually talk it out. We are watching a generation loose the art of verbal communication. They are missing the understanding that body language is as much a part of a conversation as the words that are offered.

There are so many additional things to be careful of when using technology to communicate on both sides. Because large parts of conversation have been removed I would suggest; be slow to react or take offense. There may be more to a message than what was sent. It may become more obvious with time. There are some conversations that just can’t be done without face to face communication. Choose your words wisely. Be careful what you share using technology. With all the social media’s out there you can get caught up sharing all parts of your lives and the lives of your friends and family. Consider what you are posting. Is it something you might find funny, but could hurt someone else. Some information just doesn’t need to be put out for the world to know. Things that are posted in public are impossible to remove. Friendships are often ruined by something written and shared even though it was not meant to cause harm.

Messages left on a voicemail even though it is the voice of the person may also be missing some of the details necessary to understand the whole message. Even though there is voice inflection and more content, it is still not the whole message. Take it the same as if it were an email. Consider the words, but be slow to react until you can gather enough information to be sure you have all the details of the message. Do not be afraid to ask questions in order to clarify the meaning. More understanding means better judgment in decisions.

Technology does not replace time together. Turn off the cell phone, television, and computer every so often and focus on each other.

It's in The Details

I watched my kids run through the house Easter morning. They were trying to make sense of the clues their mom left for them. It was fun to watch, but I found it interesting how difficult it was for them to figure out the details.

Philippians 2:4 “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others”.

Now that you are married you receive all kinds of special offers in the mail. Most advertising sells the concept that success is measured by the amount of possessions you hold. Sales men and women encourage you to run everything on credit. In order to own, you finance house, cars and other toys. We are all lured in by advertisements featuring low interest rates and the concept of free money. Money can play a big part in the disagreements married couples have with each other. Arguments are often fueled by the stress of trying to keep up with the burden of debt.

Consider the details when you hear of a great opportunity. You are married and have greater buying power as a couple. When you are young the “what-if’s” are the farthest from your mind. Changes in life will happen. It is when these changes occur in life that you become buried in debt and have no way to deal with it. Before you take on loans and credit cards plan for the future. Not only the good times, but also plan for the unexpected. A baby is a gift from God, but can be a crisis if you are not prepared. Increased expenses can rob you of your joy if you have not prepared for future events. Injury or illness can also create additional stress on a relationship.

I would suggest avoiding debt. Rather than buying to the maximum of your income, look at the details. Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst financial situation. With preparation your family will only have to deal with the stress of changes and events and not the additional burden of money problems. Talk to your parents or those you know who are good savers. As a couple set a goal plan that includes short term and long term desires and planning. Include a “what-if” plan if things don’t go the way you hope. Talking about the good and potential bad will help lessen the stress if the unthinkable occurs because you will have a game plan to go back to.


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What's in Your Tool Box?

It seems every project needs a tool of some sort to get it done. I think my favorite is a cordless drill and a whisk tip from a mixer to make fresh whipping cream or meringue. Necessity is the mother of invention or adaptation. As you go through life you will find many areas you need to adapt. The question is; what tools do you have to utilize?

Galatians 6:2 “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the Law of Christ”.

Yesterday, I wrote about talking through conflict, but realized I did not give you the tools to do this well. Because it is important I want to load your tool box with a start to help you. Even before you were married you received some guidance regarding marriage. By watching your parents and grandparents you may have started to fill you box. If you were blessed with open parents that discussed everything with you, then you have even more to draw from. The reality is most of us don’t even think to collect tools until we have a problem come up.

The tooth paste tube is such a great example to build from. Growing up we all are encouraged to brush our teeth. Some families share 1 tube and others each have their own tube. Why would this matter? Simply because depending on how many people are using it will shape how tolerant you are to how it is squeezed. Now you are married and the dynamics have changed. If you are an “A” type, you may squeeze from the bottom and it drives you CRAZY when your spouse squeezes in the middle. You fly off the handle and yell at your spouse because they should know you always squeeze from the bottom or you stew and just let it fester, slowly eating away at your joy. This is where tools come in. First of all how did your parents deal with conflict? This will be the first way you will handle this problem.

I encourage you to consider carefully how you talk. What is your tone and verbal word choice? It is better to talk everything through than to harbor that frustration. So how do you start out the conversation? Did you open by blaming or yelling? (You are…) Did you demean them by talking as if they are stupid? (Everybody knows…) Did you use name calling or profanity? (I think you can figure this one out).

Instead of being reactionary, first consider that you are joining two different people and it is going to take a little time to adjust to this new experience. Approach your spouse and discuss it. Maybe like this; honey, my mom used to use my toothpaste and she would squeeze it from the middle. This just really drives me crazy. Could you try and squeeze it from the bottom? Or simply express, I didn’t realize how sensitive I am, but it really drives me up the walls when someone squeezes the toothpaste from the bottom. Could you try to squeeze the tube from the bottom? Understand if you are asking your spouse to change it may take some time or it may be something they are very passionate about how they do it. Be open and understanding. They are not doing something simply to rile you up. They have 18 plus years to learn a behavior and it is impossible to change in an instant.

You may need to come up with a compromise. Things may not be so simple that they can be changed. I know in my household I follow up after everyone else uses the toothpaste and push it back to the top. Since I am the only one this bothers I take care of managing it. Compromise requires a little creativity and tolerance, but it doesn’t take the joy of your marriage away. Habits and processes will be different.

In some cases, you will begin to behave more as one unit doing things similar as time goes by. This is a process, not an overnight change. Other things will always be different, because this is what makes each of you unique. Embrace those differences as well. If you do not talk about it though, you open up opportunities for your relationship to be destroyed.

Honeymoon Bliss or Is It?

You have made it through the stress and excitement of the wedding and now you are headed to an exotic escape or local adventure. So much anticipation fills your moments as you travel. Are you ready?

Song of Solomon 6:3a “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine;”

I remember the anticipation as we raced out of the church. We were so excited to start our life together. When we arrived at our destination, we laughed and enjoyed the moment until the excitement was replaced with overwhelming exhaustion and we both crashed. After we took some time to rest and relax things were so much better. We were not prepared for the feelings and everything that surrounded the time after the wedding. Let me encourage you to be patient with each other and find time to rest. Things are so much better if you have had time to process all that has happened the last few days prior as well as earlier that day.

Now you are on your honeymoon and get to enjoy your time together with no other focus but each other. You have given up independence to be together and many things are going to change. If you have not had time before, this is the time to talk about everything. I’ve heard several new couples comment how horrible their honeymoon was. I research what caused such a horrible experience and found several fascinating details. The number one issue was the shower or bathroom etiquette. Things like he used all the hot water, she squeezes the toothpaste from the middle, She streaked the mirror, and she used my razor. These all may seem silly, but arguments are started over less. What really made it horrible was that they expected a state of perfection, because they didn’t want to ruin it they harbored the frustrations and didn’t say anything. The location may have been incredible, the setting perfect, but because of the little things their relationship started broken.

So what now: Talk to friends, pastor, etc and plan your honeymoon so you have time to learn about each other. Relax! If there are things that frustrate you while on your honeymoon, talk about it. By talking about it you are not going to ruin your time together, but may find it even better. Brain-storm ideas, figure out how to fix the problem and respect the needs of each other. If hot water is an issue, maybe take a shower together. If the razor is the issue, get two razors. The important thing is to talk issues through. By not saying anything many frustrations will not only take the joy away from your honeymoon, but may create conflicts that tear down your marriage if you let it. There are things that each of you do as individuals that you may never have thought about. When you are now a couple habits become evident, but this is the same person you fell in love with before. Now that you are a couple the things you do are going to be exaggerated in your mind. Do not be offended by what your spouse does. Talk about it when you are newly married. Build skills so that you can be open to one another. Work together as you have children. Smile and laugh together. Re-invent your marriage every so often. By opening these conversations up early, you will be that old married couple that everyone is shocked to hear how long you have been married.

Keep that love and appreciation fresh! You don’t have to be the “typical” old married couple.

Lion or Gazelle

The lion quietly approaches in the grass. The gazelle laps water from the nearby water hole. Unaware of the danger approaching, it raises its head to smell the air. Nothing alerts the gazelle of the doom that approaches. The grass explodes and fear catches the gazelle. Before it can even think it is trapped by the lion. How many marriages have been lost because of being unaware?

Proverbs 4:6 “Do not forsake her, and she will keep you; love her and she will guard you”.

Understand there are predators to your marriage. Those that would like to see your marriage fail or just desire to see you fall. Movies and television have cheapened the precious gift marriage is. Because of this attitude there are many that are unhappy. They watch to see those with the appearance of happiness and success and try to claim it for their own. Not only do they not find happiness here, but they destroy the happiness of that couple as well. Fight for your marriage and protect each other from those predators.

My wife calls it, “the cave man approach”. She is prepared to beat that predatory woman and drag me away. Chivalry was men fighting for the honor and appreciation of a woman in hopes of gaining favor and ultimately a wife. That honor was protected proudly even after they were married. I believe even today we like when are spouse is willing to fight for us. Not out of jealousy, but sincere value for their spouse and their relationship together.

Husbands, if your wife feels a woman is seeking your attention and wants you to avoid them. Honor that request. Women respond to emotions and will feel the conflict occur well before we may be aware there is a problem. Avoid situations that can put you in compromising positions and damage your marriage. Be there to protect your wife physically and emotionally. Do not allow men, especially friends, to treat them like a piece of meat. That man or friend may need to be physically removed from her presence and you should cut your relationship with them. Your wife is your most special piece of your life, treasure them.

Wives, it is okay to get your hackles up and defend your positions with your husband. There are women out there that would like to have the joy you appear to have. You may need to defend your ground and make your husband aware of the hazard. We like it when our wives are willing to fight for us as well. There is a sense of pride when we are valued enough that are wives are willing to fight for us. In the same way as husbands I would also encourage wives to avoid compromising situations.

Marriage has to be protected and in this day and age many would like to destroy it. Others try to modify the structure of marriage between one man and one woman so that they might be able to experience that same happiness. Reality is if a relationship is corrupt or perverse it will never find happiness. Don’t let them take the joy and pride of the marriage you have been blessed with away.

Fight for your marriage and the precious gift it offers you.