It seems every project needs a tool of some sort to get it done. I think my favorite is a cordless drill and a whisk tip from a mixer to make fresh whipping cream or meringue. Necessity is the mother of invention or adaptation. As you go through life you will find many areas you need to adapt. The question is; what tools do you have to utilize?
Galatians 6:2 “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the Law of Christ”.
Yesterday, I wrote about talking through conflict, but realized I did not give you the tools to do this well. Because it is important I want to load your tool box with a start to help you. Even before you were married you received some guidance regarding marriage. By watching your parents and grandparents you may have started to fill you box. If you were blessed with open parents that discussed everything with you, then you have even more to draw from. The reality is most of us don’t even think to collect tools until we have a problem come up.
The tooth paste tube is such a great example to build from. Growing up we all are encouraged to brush our teeth. Some families share 1 tube and others each have their own tube. Why would this matter? Simply because depending on how many people are using it will shape how tolerant you are to how it is squeezed. Now you are married and the dynamics have changed. If you are an “A” type, you may squeeze from the bottom and it drives you CRAZY when your spouse squeezes in the middle. You fly off the handle and yell at your spouse because they should know you always squeeze from the bottom or you stew and just let it fester, slowly eating away at your joy. This is where tools come in. First of all how did your parents deal with conflict? This will be the first way you will handle this problem.
I encourage you to consider carefully how you talk. What is your tone and verbal word choice? It is better to talk everything through than to harbor that frustration. So how do you start out the conversation? Did you open by blaming or yelling? (You are…) Did you demean them by talking as if they are stupid? (Everybody knows…) Did you use name calling or profanity? (I think you can figure this one out).
Instead of being reactionary, first consider that you are joining two different people and it is going to take a little time to adjust to this new experience. Approach your spouse and discuss it. Maybe like this; honey, my mom used to use my toothpaste and she would squeeze it from the middle. This just really drives me crazy. Could you try and squeeze it from the bottom? Or simply express, I didn’t realize how sensitive I am, but it really drives me up the walls when someone squeezes the toothpaste from the bottom. Could you try to squeeze the tube from the bottom? Understand if you are asking your spouse to change it may take some time or it may be something they are very passionate about how they do it. Be open and understanding. They are not doing something simply to rile you up. They have 18 plus years to learn a behavior and it is impossible to change in an instant.
You may need to come up with a compromise. Things may not be so simple that they can be changed. I know in my household I follow up after everyone else uses the toothpaste and push it back to the top. Since I am the only one this bothers I take care of managing it. Compromise requires a little creativity and tolerance, but it doesn’t take the joy of your marriage away. Habits and processes will be different.
In some cases, you will begin to behave more as one unit doing things similar as time goes by. This is a process, not an overnight change. Other things will always be different, because this is what makes each of you unique. Embrace those differences as well. If you do not talk about it though, you open up opportunities for your relationship to be destroyed.
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