I have several years working with different extreme situations. The one that has torn my heart out the most is seeing violence in the family. I have watched the cycle of violence from the outside for years. As a medic, investigator, advocate or pastor I have seen the harm violence has caused generations. The cycle of violence has been proven over and over again. The truth is violence does not belong in any relationship and anyone telling you it is okay is wrong. What was kept to marriage is now becoming more prevalent with dating couples, younger and younger.
I Corinthians 13: 4-8 “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong-doing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends”.
It is important that I explain the cycle of violence for those that don’t understand or are caught in it and don’t realize it. If you are caught in the cycle, recognize it and find help to change it, because it is not alright. The cycle starts in the honeymoon stage. Everything is wonderful and filled with gifts and pleasurable feelings. Many times considered the best time of your life. As you both grow more comfortable tension starts to take the place of the joy you had. Tension is then replaced by an action of violence. Violence and abuse can be physical and/or emotional. After the abusive event the abuser will go into a state of remorse. The whole cycle starts back over with the honeymoon phase again. If you don’t break the cycle it will just continue. The only thing that will change is the length of the phases becoming shorter and shorter.
The cycle is a trap and many times it is taught from generation to generation. When things are going good it is usually very good, but when things are bad it becomes very bad. I have met so many people that enable this cycle because they blame themselves for the actions of the other. Nothing you have done justifies violence against you. They may be a good person, but they have a serious problem. Do not let it be taught to your children. Don’t be fooled that you can control it either. Nothing you can do will stop the cycle without outside help.
If anyone tells you it will pass, that it is normal or to ignore it they are as much of the problem as the one being violent. Seek out wise counsel from friends, family or outside agencies. Also, do not be fooled by stereotypes. Both men and women can be abusers.
If you have a friend going through anything like this stop the cycle! The only thing you can do is get them help. There are many organizations out there to help. If you are not sure seek wise counsel. Be a friend and get them real help. Don’t wait until you get to stand over their grave. If you are in this cycle get out before.
For all others realize marriage is a blessed union. Never raise a hand against one another. The Bible offers clear guidance for your relationship. Remember that the promise of marriage is also a commitment to Protect and Love each other.
You should never have to endure any violence at home.
2 comments:
Very good advice here but easier to say "get out" then done, especially when there are kids involved. My cycle of violence started before marriage and continued into marriage during the honeymoon - it was always my fault. A Christian counselor told me I need to be more submissive to my husband--I left the session feeling like ground in dirt on the bottom of someone's shoe. I became a doormat, a punching bag, always trying to figure out how to change myself to make him stop. Everyone loved my husband, no one understood what really went on behind closed doors. My cries for help were ignored or glossed over in the Christian community.
Zoom forward 15 years and after an explosion of violence, I finally call the cops which sets off a series of circumstances forcing me (through domestic violence counseling) to see the truth about my husband and the circumstances and forcing my husband into court-ordered counseling. He is repentent (as always), completes counseling, but the rage and hate is still there being expressed other ways.
Zoom forward 5 years ... my husband's mother dies, he inherits a large sum of money, and the Saturday before Christmas tells me he's going to visit a friend and never returns. Found out later he cleaned out our bank accounts forcing me into foresclosure situation and further duress.
I tell you so that whoever is reading will know I am speaking from a place of profound experience: do not stay in a domestic violence situation, do not waste your time, your heart, and your tears. Get out now to save yourself and your children from this awful heart destroying life. God does not want you to stay and be submissive to these circumstances.
If anyone needs to discuss further, message me. Thank you Michael for discussing this very important topic. People need to be given the freedom to discuss this topic openly and honestly, Christian or not. People must acquire a better understanding of domestic violence issues to be able to recognize it, offer help, get help, and have the support to leave and build a life based on security, safety, respect, mutual love, and so on.
Korie,
Thank you for your comments.
As you pointed out the system is flawed. There are those that do not understand the reality of domestic violence and should not be counseling in these cases. There is also some that are teaching programs that may implied this is okay. Avoid these programs.
For those that think this is an isolated case, it is not. It is however the toughest thing anyone that is in it or has been in it to talk about. We should all be so bold in our convictions and desire to help others.
In one of my other blogs I talk about wise counsel! This is critical to surround yourself with those that will offer wise advice. If you come from a family system that has been stuck in this cycle for generations be the one to stop the cycle!
If you do not know where to go feel free to contact me and we will find the right contact for you based on whatever state you reside.
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