I love sitting on the beach, looking out at the movement of the sea. The beauty and power of the waves exhilarate me as they rush towards the shore. Starting out as a small bump it gains power. As it contacts the ocean floor it increases in size. Finally, it changes shape and shows its power. Quickly, it goes from the ripple that passes under to an incredible force. I am simply amazed by the power of a wave.
Luke 2:19 “But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart”.
Now that you have asked the question you have entered a whole new realm in your relationship. There are several traditions and activities that surround this time, but most important it is a time of preparation. Engagement is a time of special events and planning. What was a quiet commitment between the both of you is now public. You have announced to the world that you are a couple and have welcomed that same audience to celebrate with you or even critique the possibilities before you.
Parties:
There will be parties to celebrate the upcoming wedding, but also a time to gather friends and family around. They will shower you with fun and playful banter, but also ask the questions you need to think through. Friends will share embarrassing moments both from your life and theirs. A new bond is forming and deeper character is being exposed.
Questions:
This is an opportunity for you to ask specific questions regarding marriage. Look at your families and analyze what their marriages are like. What elements do you want in your marriage and what things do you want to do differently? You may even discuss why your parents did or didn’t do certain thing. It is possible they wanted the same things, but it was not possible because of circumstances and situations. Consider events, emotions and choices your parents made. You may be faced with many similar choices in your life.
Do not be surprised by the millions of questions you will be asked. Like a celebrity before a camera, many will want to know, no topic is sacred, and the settings are unpredictable. Ponder every question and answer truthful from your heart. This is not a time to offer a quick answer. Those around care about you and desire you to make the best choices possible for your life. Some questions do not require an answer, but simply offer something to think about. Be willing, not agitated.
Birth Control:
Make sure you have discussed birth control, as well as children. Have a plan. Consider on occasion they do not work. If you are planning on using something like the pill remember it takes some time for it to metabolize in your system to do the job. Consult wise council on this topic at least ninety days before your wedding day. Discuss alternatives, both types and applications. (Note: ooh gross is a normal response to some options.)
Emotions:
Consider the emotions you will be feeling. You need to get a handle on yourselves. As you begin to move to the next stage of your relationship you feel even more exhilarated. If you don’t keep your hormones in check they will run away with you. Those same hormones will make your wedding day the best day possible if you wait. Your emotions are flying high during this time in your life so you will discover a newer intensity in your senses. Your reactions will be more magnified in a way you have never felt before. You have found a new sense of happiness when you are together and longing when you are apart. Understand your feelings. Talk to your parents about their experiences or a trusted friend. You are going to be sensitive and you need someone to help keep you balanced. You may also need or want some more accountability, hormones are a powerful thing, it is okay to have reinforcements to help you keep them under control.
Just like the wave, the energy and speed of events and emotions will move faster and faster as you get closer to your wedding. Doubts may also materialize at this time. Explore those thoughts too. If during you engagement you or your future spouse struggle with infidelity you need to slow down and take a reality check. Marriage does not fix problems. Nor will it stop abuse, only magnify it. Lust and conquest are not love. Self confidence is not gained by uniting with another. A marriage relationship is a special union of intimacy and friendship, strengthened and intensified by love and faith. Your engagement time is that final opportunity to check and double check your commitment. The unique pressures will expose the flaws or the beauty. Infidelity and abuse are not going to get better after you are married. You cannot change the other person to suit you. Most likely you will compromise to suit them after you are married. This is the time to figure things out before the marriage commitment. Embrace your engagement, enjoy it, learn from it, and utilize the moments to their fullest.
Showing posts with label emotion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotion. Show all posts
Friday, May 28, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
So You Want to Talk Emotion
Have you watched a little boy ponder a beetle? They start by analyzing how they move, flip them over to see the belly and then the real curiosity kicks in. They dissect the little beetle limb by limb seeing how they move and recover based on the number of limbs left. Depending on the age, they may do either the smell or taste test for final assessment.
Revelations 1:19 “Write therefore the things that you have seen, those that are and those that are to take place after this”.
In some things we overanalyze the functions of the world around us. Trying to place meaning to every event or detail in our lives. I believe there are some things we simply need to accept and go on with life. Getting to bogged down in the details can distract from real issues.
Just like the child and the bug, men try to approach things logically. When we discuss topics with our wives we want to keep the conversation to logic and tasks. This is easiest for us to manage because of how we are wired. When our wives ask us to open up and discuss our emotions they are asking us to open up a section of our psyche that we are taught to close away most of our lives. Being a man for many families means closing away that part of us that are wives treasure the most. Only through time and understanding will that secret part of us be discovered. Depending on upbringing and life experience that part of us can be easier or harder to reach. Wives may need to look at family dynamics to understand the difficulty of this challenge.
Not to say every woman is emotional and every man is logical is too specific, but most will fit within this stereotype in some fashion. Wives that understand this difference will grasp the significance when their husbands do let them in. To find that point of truth and trust in a relationship that nothing is held back. It is when we both feel safe that we can hear each other out completely.
Husbands on the other hand need to understand that wives are more commonly attuned to their emotions. Rather than only accessed at limited points, wives entire thinking process is connected through emotion. Conversation prompts thoughts that are connected by emotional significance. That is why many times a conversation with your wife may bounce through many different topics. Do not be discouraged or frustrated, thinking they are not listening or understanding what you are talking about, but instead stay with them and the mental gymnastics they are going through. In some crazy way it will all relate. If you need, you can talk about the process of their logic. Most important, be sensitive to each other. When opening up you are most vulnerable. If insensitive substantial hurt can occur.
Anytime you need a serious conversation with each other choose a safe place that you both agree with. Be clear about what you both expect in your conversation. Be open to additional information that is shared. Respect Each Other!
Revelations 1:19 “Write therefore the things that you have seen, those that are and those that are to take place after this”.
In some things we overanalyze the functions of the world around us. Trying to place meaning to every event or detail in our lives. I believe there are some things we simply need to accept and go on with life. Getting to bogged down in the details can distract from real issues.
Just like the child and the bug, men try to approach things logically. When we discuss topics with our wives we want to keep the conversation to logic and tasks. This is easiest for us to manage because of how we are wired. When our wives ask us to open up and discuss our emotions they are asking us to open up a section of our psyche that we are taught to close away most of our lives. Being a man for many families means closing away that part of us that are wives treasure the most. Only through time and understanding will that secret part of us be discovered. Depending on upbringing and life experience that part of us can be easier or harder to reach. Wives may need to look at family dynamics to understand the difficulty of this challenge.
Not to say every woman is emotional and every man is logical is too specific, but most will fit within this stereotype in some fashion. Wives that understand this difference will grasp the significance when their husbands do let them in. To find that point of truth and trust in a relationship that nothing is held back. It is when we both feel safe that we can hear each other out completely.
Husbands on the other hand need to understand that wives are more commonly attuned to their emotions. Rather than only accessed at limited points, wives entire thinking process is connected through emotion. Conversation prompts thoughts that are connected by emotional significance. That is why many times a conversation with your wife may bounce through many different topics. Do not be discouraged or frustrated, thinking they are not listening or understanding what you are talking about, but instead stay with them and the mental gymnastics they are going through. In some crazy way it will all relate. If you need, you can talk about the process of their logic. Most important, be sensitive to each other. When opening up you are most vulnerable. If insensitive substantial hurt can occur.
Anytime you need a serious conversation with each other choose a safe place that you both agree with. Be clear about what you both expect in your conversation. Be open to additional information that is shared. Respect Each Other!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Regretful Things
Hot in the news are stories about what is being coined road rage. Again our roads are becoming places of verbal outrage battered back and forth. In some cases that rage is becoming more physical or threatening. Some of the news media has contributed this to the added stress of the economy and direction of our country. Consider this, if the highly visible problems around the nation are being considered factors contributing to the visible stress of the people. How many problems are being hidden behind closed doors?
Romans 12:9 “Let love be genuine, Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good”.
There are times we are all under points of stress. Whether it be work, money, or other people we can feel pressure all around us. If we do not manage that stress then we have a tendency of exploding at the most inopportune times. After exploding we replay the events and gain insight into how we were behaving. That time of reflection causes a sinking feeling in your chest. What do you do now?
It is important that we all put some tools in place to manage the stress we are under. If we do not manage our stress then our outbursts can cause hurt to those we love the most. Those moments can destroy our witness to others as well. So many marriages fall apart because of the hurt caused by these moments. Individual couples will need to discuss processes and develop ways of releasing stress in their relationship. I will make some suggestions, but it is important that you find methods that work for you.
Schedule
I have been involved in a lot of high stress careers. Because of things that would occur at work I would come home heavy hearted. I would share events that happened from my shift to get them off my mind, but never considered the impact on my wife. We recognized the need for this time, but also realized we needed to do something for my wife as well. We put together a schedule for our household. For the first 30 minutes after I get home we would talk about my time at work and her day. After the 30 minutes we focus on the family and things around the house.
Activity
We figured out that there are times when I just needed to physically unload some of the pent up stress from the day. Frustration would cause me to feel knotted up and angry. We found something that would benefit the household as well. We would gather wood rounds and when I would come home I would go out and split wood. If I was splitting wood, then everyone in the family knew I was venting proactively and would allow me the time uninterrupted. I would come in and talk after I was a bit more collected.
Venting
There are times that we would both voice the frustrations from the day. Yell, cry or just talk through the day. It is critical that you allow total honesty and not take offense of anything said. You need to create a safe place for the both of you. Nothing said while venting can be used against each other later. It is important to identify that you are going to take a venting moment (or in some cases, have just taken a venting moment). This will help prepare both of you for the exercise to follow. Understand that this is an open time that all emotion and random thoughts can be voiced. After venting understand that you may both be exhausted. Let each other recover before you try to engage in further conversation.
Delay response
If a situation arises that sets you off, take a moment. Walk away for a short time and consider what was said. How do you best respond to avoid regret later? In some cases it may be best not to respond. It is important that if your spouse voices they need a moment you give them that room. Come back together with cool minds and emotions. By waiting you most likely won’t regret what you say or cause hurt.
Whatever method you decide is best for you and your family; don’t be rigid on one set plan. As you grow and mature situations may change and with it process will change also. It is important that you keep communication open. Learn how to manage your reactions because of emotion. Be wise and teach your children well also. You are modeling communication tools that your kids will adopt in their own life.
Romans 12:9 “Let love be genuine, Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good”.
There are times we are all under points of stress. Whether it be work, money, or other people we can feel pressure all around us. If we do not manage that stress then we have a tendency of exploding at the most inopportune times. After exploding we replay the events and gain insight into how we were behaving. That time of reflection causes a sinking feeling in your chest. What do you do now?
It is important that we all put some tools in place to manage the stress we are under. If we do not manage our stress then our outbursts can cause hurt to those we love the most. Those moments can destroy our witness to others as well. So many marriages fall apart because of the hurt caused by these moments. Individual couples will need to discuss processes and develop ways of releasing stress in their relationship. I will make some suggestions, but it is important that you find methods that work for you.
Schedule
I have been involved in a lot of high stress careers. Because of things that would occur at work I would come home heavy hearted. I would share events that happened from my shift to get them off my mind, but never considered the impact on my wife. We recognized the need for this time, but also realized we needed to do something for my wife as well. We put together a schedule for our household. For the first 30 minutes after I get home we would talk about my time at work and her day. After the 30 minutes we focus on the family and things around the house.
Activity
We figured out that there are times when I just needed to physically unload some of the pent up stress from the day. Frustration would cause me to feel knotted up and angry. We found something that would benefit the household as well. We would gather wood rounds and when I would come home I would go out and split wood. If I was splitting wood, then everyone in the family knew I was venting proactively and would allow me the time uninterrupted. I would come in and talk after I was a bit more collected.
Venting
There are times that we would both voice the frustrations from the day. Yell, cry or just talk through the day. It is critical that you allow total honesty and not take offense of anything said. You need to create a safe place for the both of you. Nothing said while venting can be used against each other later. It is important to identify that you are going to take a venting moment (or in some cases, have just taken a venting moment). This will help prepare both of you for the exercise to follow. Understand that this is an open time that all emotion and random thoughts can be voiced. After venting understand that you may both be exhausted. Let each other recover before you try to engage in further conversation.
Delay response
If a situation arises that sets you off, take a moment. Walk away for a short time and consider what was said. How do you best respond to avoid regret later? In some cases it may be best not to respond. It is important that if your spouse voices they need a moment you give them that room. Come back together with cool minds and emotions. By waiting you most likely won’t regret what you say or cause hurt.
Whatever method you decide is best for you and your family; don’t be rigid on one set plan. As you grow and mature situations may change and with it process will change also. It is important that you keep communication open. Learn how to manage your reactions because of emotion. Be wise and teach your children well also. You are modeling communication tools that your kids will adopt in their own life.
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