So You Want to Talk Emotion

Have you watched a little boy ponder a beetle? They start by analyzing how they move, flip them over to see the belly and then the real curiosity kicks in. They dissect the little beetle limb by limb seeing how they move and recover based on the number of limbs left. Depending on the age, they may do either the smell or taste test for final assessment.

Revelations 1:19 “Write therefore the things that you have seen, those that are and those that are to take place after this”.

In some things we overanalyze the functions of the world around us. Trying to place meaning to every event or detail in our lives. I believe there are some things we simply need to accept and go on with life. Getting to bogged down in the details can distract from real issues.

Just like the child and the bug, men try to approach things logically. When we discuss topics with our wives we want to keep the conversation to logic and tasks. This is easiest for us to manage because of how we are wired. When our wives ask us to open up and discuss our emotions they are asking us to open up a section of our psyche that we are taught to close away most of our lives. Being a man for many families means closing away that part of us that are wives treasure the most. Only through time and understanding will that secret part of us be discovered. Depending on upbringing and life experience that part of us can be easier or harder to reach. Wives may need to look at family dynamics to understand the difficulty of this challenge.

Not to say every woman is emotional and every man is logical is too specific, but most will fit within this stereotype in some fashion. Wives that understand this difference will grasp the significance when their husbands do let them in. To find that point of truth and trust in a relationship that nothing is held back. It is when we both feel safe that we can hear each other out completely.

Husbands on the other hand need to understand that wives are more commonly attuned to their emotions. Rather than only accessed at limited points, wives entire thinking process is connected through emotion. Conversation prompts thoughts that are connected by emotional significance. That is why many times a conversation with your wife may bounce through many different topics. Do not be discouraged or frustrated, thinking they are not listening or understanding what you are talking about, but instead stay with them and the mental gymnastics they are going through. In some crazy way it will all relate. If you need, you can talk about the process of their logic. Most important, be sensitive to each other. When opening up you are most vulnerable. If insensitive substantial hurt can occur.

Anytime you need a serious conversation with each other choose a safe place that you both agree with. Be clear about what you both expect in your conversation. Be open to additional information that is shared. Respect Each Other!

Agree to Disagree

So I have to ask the question, does it matter anyway?
So many times we have silly arguments simply for the sake of the argument. The facts remain and they do not affect our marriage in reality, but we spend endless hours debating our side of an opinion. All that comes out of the debate is hurt feelings. So how does this build up our marriages. Sometimes we just need to just let it go.

Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it”.

Politics is a prime area that we may both be divided or simply the discussion of politics causes anxiety because we have no control of the outcome. We are each impressed by different issues and listen to different information we receive. We process the information differently and form our opinions. Politics is one of those areas that it really doesn’t matter when it comes to our marriages. Sure, there are policies that affect our life, but it doesn’t have a place in our relationship with each other. Political parties or policies are going to change, but it doesn’t define who we are or how we make decisions in life. Most policies are written and voted on without us even noticing.
It doesn’t mean never talk about things such as politics or topics that cause conflict. It is important to evaluate how it relates to our day to day. Is it worth sacrificing our marriage and relationship for something we have no control of anyway?

What then:
Let me dispute some crazy ideas that have been taken from the passage and how it relates. Wives, submitting does not mean walking around with your head low, not speaking unless spoken to, and running around as ordered. It is simply respecting your husband and being an active partner in your marriage. There are times you may not agree, but need to drop an issue simply to encourage a healthy marriage. Voice your opinion, but if your husband’s convictions are that important to him, allow him to hold onto those convictions. Respect his position and move forward. He has heard your opinion, it will perculate in his mind and down the road, as he has collected more information, he may come to embrace your opinion or he may not. Don’t be offended. He does love you and agreeing or disagreeing has nothing to do with his love for you.
Husbands are to Love our wives. This sounds pretty simple, but I will admit sometimes it is not. Consider the word Love. It can hold many meanings. That is why the example included in the passage is so important. It is letting go of ourselves even our life itself for our wives. It does not necessarily mean we need to physically die for our wives, but instead put aside ourselves (attitudes, comforts, opinions, schedules, etc.) for the support, encouragement, and protection of our wives. We need to be willing to protect both their physical body and their emotional body even at the expense of our own. How many times have we wounded or crushed our wives emotionally just to prove “We’re the man.” Yes, wives are told to submit to their husbands, but that doesn’t mean we are to lord over them with military force and authority. How is this loving your wife? We need to approach them with sensitivity of heart. Loving them means partnering together to manage the household and relationship. Loving is communicating together and ultimately taking responsibility for the household. We need to accept responsibility for everything that affects our household, good or bad. We also need to validate the opinion of our wives respecting their opinions and convictions. Showing love is treasuring what makes them who they are.

Last thought: Husbands, be wise in the topics you choose. Don’t just bring up topics because you want to hear yourself talk and prove how knowledgeable you are. Choose topics that are going to encourage your relationship and your wife. And wives, you know what riles us up. Do not poke those buttons to start a fight. Find ways to be creative in your marriage and vary your conversation.