Implied or Reality, It Hurts The Same...

When a soldier loses a leg or arm they talk about phantom pains. The limb is no longer there, but they swear they can feel it. He or she feels the sensations of movement and the pain of that damaged limb. Even though the limb is gone the pain is very real. Treating the soldier requires you to accept the pain is real and treat the pain as well as the person.

Psalms 35:17 “How long, O Lord, will you look on? Rescue me from their destruction, my precious life from the lions!”

How many conflicts could be avoided if we just listened and avoided the situation from the start? What begins as an innocent moment or event can become a crisis in our marriage. When the green eyed monster rears its head we must evaluate the situation and address the markers that prompted it. Jealousy is not always a negative response or mistrust, but a protective action for the marriage. Embrace it without offense and talk through what is going on. Infidelity, even implied can cause irreparable damage. Take the warning signs seriously to avoid a lifetime of pain.

If you have worked on your marriage from the start you should have established good communication skills. Utilize those skills.

Consider your image when you are out and about. There are many pitfalls in the world that married couples need to be aware of. Social events, work, even the computer can offer traps to a couple. In themselves innocent and mundane, but in the hands of some can become an arena for misconceptions and deceptions. Do not let yourself get in those situations. Either implied or reality they can leave the same wounds. From the outside what does your behavior imply? For example: having lunch with a co-worker every day in itself is nothing, but if you begin to move to a more secluded location and your conversations become hushed and distant implies something else. If your conversation at home is all about that co-worker it can cause insecurity. Be aware of what you are doing and what compromises others are encouraging you to do. Do not leave things open to become something damaging.

Know yourself and what weaknesses you have. For instance, I know I am a rescuer by nature. If someone needs help, I will go out of my way to make things all better. Not only is it part of my character, but I have invested a lot of time and education to condition my responses. There are those that play the damsel in distress well. If my wife and I did not have clear communication it would have been easy to slip into one of those traps. Be sensitive to the intuition of your wife when the barbs come up. This is not a time to argue or fight, but to listen and figure out what the signs your spouse is reacting to and begin distancing yourself from the hazard.

Midlife crisis is another excuse of the world for childish behaviors and throwing caution to the wind. Mortality has been thrown in your face and you scramble to regain your youth. Reality is, you cannot run away from reality, and the damage because you try affects everyone around you. You destroy the trust of your spouse and show your children a behavior that may encourage them to avoid responsibility and become destructive themselves. Do not regret what you have not done, be blessed by the things you have done. Reflect on family, friends, and successes. Do not compromise your values for a moment.

Life is fragile and we need to help each other. Not only should a couple be careful, but the friends you surround yourself with can help as well. When they recognize you doing something foolish or compromising be receptive to them correcting you. Family can be a great assistance as well. Use your family as a gage of your behavior. If they feel that they can’t be honest you probably shouldn’t be doing whatever you are thinking.

Self time and selfish time are totally different. To take a moment for you is alright. Regroup and find value in yourself and the things you are doing or to study in order to better yourself. On the other hand to shift and ignore the needs of everyone else around for self pleasure or gratification is wrong and destructive. Beware of those that encourage that destructive behavior. They are not your friends. Do not open yourself up to the manipulation of others or compromising situations. They do not have the investment of love and life that your spouse does.

Be devoted and honorable to your spouse and go through the adventure together.

Why are we fighting anyway?

The military established rules of engagement long ago for two reasons: (1) to ensure we did not start a fight with allies or people just seeking to get out of the fight and (2) so that those under their command know when the battle is over without escalation due to excessive force. Law Enforcement has rules as well called Standards of Procedures or SOP’s to manage situations with as little conflict as possible. So why are there no rules for marriage?

Proverbs 24:3,4 “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches”.

The greatest home is the one that is peaceful and filled with love. Reality is we all have moments of conflict. The difference is how we deal with that conflict. How we manage arguments will define not only our relationship, but also the relationships of our children. I was given several rules to live by when I was newly married. I believe they were good principles that have helped keep our marriage whole.
(1) Was no name calling and swearing. By keeping the argument to the specific issue and not escalating by derogatory language we didn’t have argument spiral out of control. Staying on the issue also helps to resolve it sooner.
(2) Divorce is no longer in the dictionary. By removing the easy out we have to work through the issue and figure out what the real problem is. Marriage is not going to always be easy. Real marriages take work and by working you invest time and energy to work through things and take care of each other. We made a commitment for life and so it is worth the effort to make it the best possible.
(3) Do not go to bed mad. Spend the time to get to the bottom of the argument and mend the relationship. By not letting it fester over night or sleeping in separate rooms you keep things specific to needs and do not become historical.
(4) Do not be historical. If you have resolved a conflict let it be forgotten not used as salt in a wound over and over again. We all need correction from time to time, but it is important that the correction is kept to related time and event that has brought about the conflict.

Conflict can be caused by so many things in life I believe it is also important to figure out what is causing the conflict. Some things we have control and other things are outside factors we have no control. Consider these categories to narrow things down. (Money, Family, Schedule, and Other). If these things can be controlled we can put a plan together to manage it, if not we need to figure out how important it is and if we can live without it. Ask yourself, what do we need to survive and will this improve our marriage? If it is a need and it will improve your marriage then you need to work through to come up with a plan, if it is not a need and/or it won’t improve your marriage how do you minimize it or eliminate it all together. Outside family may not be something you can get rid of, but you can limit how much time you spend with them if they are tearing down your marriage. What else can you evaluate this way?

Money is often times a big conflict for all of us. Our desire for success and comfort can be different between people and the drive to reach our goals can cause a divide in our relationship. A simple fix is to set goals together that you both agree with and then put a plan of how to reach those goals. This may relate to careers, education and location in order to reach these goals, but if you are in agreement and supportive of each other the conflicts will be minimal.

Family can be a huge conflict between husbands and wives. Not only have you married each other, but now you have all these additional people you have to consider. Some things can be controlled and other things we must just support each other through. Parents will demand a lot of a new marriage, especially around different traditions like Christmas and Thanksgiving. A new couple really needs to define their own traditions and how they are going to work with the traditions of their parents. Children change some of the pressure we receive as a couple and during this time it is important that we support each other and the traditions we have decided on. It is also important to establish boundaries for our families so that they know what is expected as well as needed time. We may also need to set physical boundaries so that our privacy is respected.

Schedules are a difficult thing to manage for some of us. I am not a big time-clock type of person and am inclined to work until things are complete. I am also rescuer by nature, so I have a hard time setting aside my phone and focusing on my wife and family. Because of this there have been times I have not come home till late and times I have left my wife sitting while I ran off to help someone in need. I have had to learn to set a schedule and set aside my phone. It may mean turning off my phone at night or ignoring it if we are engaged in something as a family and follow up with it later.

Not only is the physical schedule an issue, but working as a medic I saw a lot of traumatic things. I would come home and want to talk about my shift with my wife. Some things were very hard for her to deal with. She wanted to encourage and support me so she would sit and listen until it finally caused to much crisis in her. In order to allow time to process for both of us before going to bed we set up a 30 min rule. For 30 Minutes after I got home we would talk about my shift and then we would stop and go to doing things and talk about other topics. This was healthy for both of us because it let us relax and not go to bed on the heavy emotions of the previous day. So many arguments were relieved simply by controlling our schedule and the discussions that surrounded our time.

Are outside events taking away from your time together such as bringing home work or the emotions from work? This can be easily remedied by simply putting a plan together how to get the things you need done and not take away from time together.
(My wife suggests when you come home do not go straight back to work, but spend time together and with your family. Set a specific time to do your work, start and finish. If you do not get it done, you need to still stop and if anything get up earlier in the morning to finish. Bring coffee in to your spouse at the time you would normally get up to nurture them because of the disruption of schedule. Even though they did not get up out of bed their sleep is impacted by getting up earlier.)

If you are having a hard time figuring out the cause of conflict or even working through an issue go to someone you both trust to help work through it or a counselor/ pastor. If you are seeking a counselor/ pastor, I would suggest you seek out a counselor that is currently married and has been married for some time as well as not currently involved in a divorce of their own.

Agree to Disagree

So I have to ask the question, does it matter anyway?
So many times we have silly arguments simply for the sake of the argument. The facts remain and they do not affect our marriage in reality, but we spend endless hours debating our side of an opinion. All that comes out of the debate is hurt feelings. So how does this build up our marriages. Sometimes we just need to just let it go.

Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it”.

Politics is a prime area that we may both be divided or simply the discussion of politics causes anxiety because we have no control of the outcome. We are each impressed by different issues and listen to different information we receive. We process the information differently and form our opinions. Politics is one of those areas that it really doesn’t matter when it comes to our marriages. Sure, there are policies that affect our life, but it doesn’t have a place in our relationship with each other. Political parties or policies are going to change, but it doesn’t define who we are or how we make decisions in life. Most policies are written and voted on without us even noticing.
It doesn’t mean never talk about things such as politics or topics that cause conflict. It is important to evaluate how it relates to our day to day. Is it worth sacrificing our marriage and relationship for something we have no control of anyway?

What then:
Let me dispute some crazy ideas that have been taken from the passage and how it relates. Wives, submitting does not mean walking around with your head low, not speaking unless spoken to, and running around as ordered. It is simply respecting your husband and being an active partner in your marriage. There are times you may not agree, but need to drop an issue simply to encourage a healthy marriage. Voice your opinion, but if your husband’s convictions are that important to him, allow him to hold onto those convictions. Respect his position and move forward. He has heard your opinion, it will perculate in his mind and down the road, as he has collected more information, he may come to embrace your opinion or he may not. Don’t be offended. He does love you and agreeing or disagreeing has nothing to do with his love for you.
Husbands are to Love our wives. This sounds pretty simple, but I will admit sometimes it is not. Consider the word Love. It can hold many meanings. That is why the example included in the passage is so important. It is letting go of ourselves even our life itself for our wives. It does not necessarily mean we need to physically die for our wives, but instead put aside ourselves (attitudes, comforts, opinions, schedules, etc.) for the support, encouragement, and protection of our wives. We need to be willing to protect both their physical body and their emotional body even at the expense of our own. How many times have we wounded or crushed our wives emotionally just to prove “We’re the man.” Yes, wives are told to submit to their husbands, but that doesn’t mean we are to lord over them with military force and authority. How is this loving your wife? We need to approach them with sensitivity of heart. Loving them means partnering together to manage the household and relationship. Loving is communicating together and ultimately taking responsibility for the household. We need to accept responsibility for everything that affects our household, good or bad. We also need to validate the opinion of our wives respecting their opinions and convictions. Showing love is treasuring what makes them who they are.

Last thought: Husbands, be wise in the topics you choose. Don’t just bring up topics because you want to hear yourself talk and prove how knowledgeable you are. Choose topics that are going to encourage your relationship and your wife. And wives, you know what riles us up. Do not poke those buttons to start a fight. Find ways to be creative in your marriage and vary your conversation.