Mini Series Stage One (dating) Part Two

Consider how a pressure cooker works. To start you throw into your pot: veggies, meat, seasonings and water. You lock down the lid and set the top-not on the top. You turn on the fire under the pot to heat up the contents. For a while it seems like nothing is happening. Then you see steam begin to escape. What is going on? The pressure is building up inside along with heating the contents. Soon the top-not is screaming around in a circle with the release of steam. When it’s done you turn off the heat and wait for the steam to finish escaping. When it stops you open the lid and find the delicious contents inside.

Proverbs 27:2 “Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips”.

So what is dating for anyway? Is it a time for conquest leading to sex? If you ask most teenagers or young college that is their answer. The only reason they put out any effort is that final reward. If this is what they think, maybe first we need to ask who has been their teacher? Is it television and movies? Have they relied on their friends? As parents what have we modeled or told them? Sometimes those cool stories of days past can result in conflicting information.

Dating is a time for conversation. This is not a time to brag about all your accomplishments, but share things with each other. A good start may be something as simple as talking about what you read or watch on television. This may lead to conversation on your likes and dislikes. Do you both have similar interests? As you get to know each other talk more about things that worry you or what you dream of. One of the most complicated topics to explore are the what if’s. It may involve your relationship together, career promotion or loss, injury, and death. Quite simply dating conversation is anything you can read about, watch on television, what if about, worry about, or dream about. ALL topics are fair game.

Dating is an opportunity to play together. Not like play dates as children, but adult adventures. It may be as simple as a dinner and a movie or as exotic as a mountain climbing trip. This is an opportunity to share activities you like with another person. If this is the person you marry, are they going to support the activities you like when you are not working? Realize it does not mean they have to like everything you do, but can they support the time, money and other friends that are involved in that activity. What types of food do you each enjoy? This may be a chance to try something different, something you would have never considered before. Just a thought: sometimes exotic food can seem cool, but it may be extremely expensive and not satisfying. Be prepared just in case you need to stop off somewhere else for dessert. Don’t be upset if you or your companion doesn’t like something the other person does. It is our differences that make us special, and the goal of dating is to discover all these special nuances.

Dating prepares you for the family. Realize that if you marry that other person you are now related to a whole host of other people. Take the time to learn about each other’s families. Discuss traditions and upbringing. Is this a family you can get along with? Can you support their traditions and expectations or will you expect the other person to change? If you expect them to change you will need to discuss it before you meet their family.

Just like that boiling pressure cooker there is a lot involved in dating. You slowly turn on the heat and with it your relationship slowly blends. With heat and pressure the flavors slowly mix together. After you remove the pot from the heat, you can taste the blended result. Do the flavors you added work together? In other words when you have talked through what makes each of you unique, are you a good fit? Do you have heat? If the answer is yes, then you can work on sharing that meal with the others that are important to you. Let your families meet and learn about the things that make the two of you a special couple. Without pressure and heat the pressure cooker won’t work right. If you try to short cut the process such as jumping straight to sex and physical gratification it takes something away from the relationship. Dating or the processes associated with dating are very important to the overall recipe of the relationship. Remember, you are ultimately dating to find your mate!

Don’t let Anything Steal Your Joy

In Brazil there is a group of men that martyr themselves. They begin by flogging themselves as they march down the streets. When they arrive at the outside of the city they are secured to a cross and hoisted skyward. They put their body through this each year believing this is what Christ meant by dying to yourself. They avoid joy and self impose sacrifice to prove their commitment to Christ. I believe they missed the true message of God.

I John 1:5 “This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in Him is no darkness at all”.

Just like these men in Brazil I hear of husbands and wives being martyrs to the bad decisions they made in the past. I am confident that God intended marriage to be full of love and joy. I know this because God is Love. Do not buy into the messages from society that marriage is a drudgery or chore. Marriage does not need to be drudgery unless you accept it that way. Things happen, but there is no reason it should hang over your marriage forever. If you have asked forgiveness and served the consequences of that choice, do not carry the sorrow and pain year after year. So often, even though everyone else has moved on, spouses continue to start each morning wallowing in the pain of that decision. If they find joy and release they scramble to grab back hold of that “humble” attitude because they don’t feel they are worthy of the joy.

Self martyrdom is not humility! It is arrogant manipulation. By holding on to this emotion you cause hurt and harm to your spouse and family. Those believing that marriage is like a prison do not understand the true purpose of marriage. Marriage is supposed to be an opportunity to understand the true character of God. Marriage is to be an example of the relationship between God and the church. Each marriage is designed to be filled with joy, love and forgiveness. None of us are perfect, but we are all forgiven. Rather than dragging your family through a mire of negative emotion, accept the forgiveness and be an example of God’s unconditional love. There is so much to be happy and blessed by each day. Do not let the world steal the joy of your family away. There is no cost to joy except the investment of yourself in your family. Let your family be part of your life. Find reasons to laugh, smile and share joy with all those around you. Beat back the negative messages of the world. Do not involve yourself in negative bantering with friends and coworkers bashing marriage. Avoid movies and shows that tear down family and marriage. Find inspiration for your marriage.

Show your family how much you truly love them. Give up whatever is stealing the joy away from you and your family. LOVE!

Why are we fighting anyway?

The military established rules of engagement long ago for two reasons: (1) to ensure we did not start a fight with allies or people just seeking to get out of the fight and (2) so that those under their command know when the battle is over without escalation due to excessive force. Law Enforcement has rules as well called Standards of Procedures or SOP’s to manage situations with as little conflict as possible. So why are there no rules for marriage?

Proverbs 24:3,4 “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches”.

The greatest home is the one that is peaceful and filled with love. Reality is we all have moments of conflict. The difference is how we deal with that conflict. How we manage arguments will define not only our relationship, but also the relationships of our children. I was given several rules to live by when I was newly married. I believe they were good principles that have helped keep our marriage whole.
(1) Was no name calling and swearing. By keeping the argument to the specific issue and not escalating by derogatory language we didn’t have argument spiral out of control. Staying on the issue also helps to resolve it sooner.
(2) Divorce is no longer in the dictionary. By removing the easy out we have to work through the issue and figure out what the real problem is. Marriage is not going to always be easy. Real marriages take work and by working you invest time and energy to work through things and take care of each other. We made a commitment for life and so it is worth the effort to make it the best possible.
(3) Do not go to bed mad. Spend the time to get to the bottom of the argument and mend the relationship. By not letting it fester over night or sleeping in separate rooms you keep things specific to needs and do not become historical.
(4) Do not be historical. If you have resolved a conflict let it be forgotten not used as salt in a wound over and over again. We all need correction from time to time, but it is important that the correction is kept to related time and event that has brought about the conflict.

Conflict can be caused by so many things in life I believe it is also important to figure out what is causing the conflict. Some things we have control and other things are outside factors we have no control. Consider these categories to narrow things down. (Money, Family, Schedule, and Other). If these things can be controlled we can put a plan together to manage it, if not we need to figure out how important it is and if we can live without it. Ask yourself, what do we need to survive and will this improve our marriage? If it is a need and it will improve your marriage then you need to work through to come up with a plan, if it is not a need and/or it won’t improve your marriage how do you minimize it or eliminate it all together. Outside family may not be something you can get rid of, but you can limit how much time you spend with them if they are tearing down your marriage. What else can you evaluate this way?

Money is often times a big conflict for all of us. Our desire for success and comfort can be different between people and the drive to reach our goals can cause a divide in our relationship. A simple fix is to set goals together that you both agree with and then put a plan of how to reach those goals. This may relate to careers, education and location in order to reach these goals, but if you are in agreement and supportive of each other the conflicts will be minimal.

Family can be a huge conflict between husbands and wives. Not only have you married each other, but now you have all these additional people you have to consider. Some things can be controlled and other things we must just support each other through. Parents will demand a lot of a new marriage, especially around different traditions like Christmas and Thanksgiving. A new couple really needs to define their own traditions and how they are going to work with the traditions of their parents. Children change some of the pressure we receive as a couple and during this time it is important that we support each other and the traditions we have decided on. It is also important to establish boundaries for our families so that they know what is expected as well as needed time. We may also need to set physical boundaries so that our privacy is respected.

Schedules are a difficult thing to manage for some of us. I am not a big time-clock type of person and am inclined to work until things are complete. I am also rescuer by nature, so I have a hard time setting aside my phone and focusing on my wife and family. Because of this there have been times I have not come home till late and times I have left my wife sitting while I ran off to help someone in need. I have had to learn to set a schedule and set aside my phone. It may mean turning off my phone at night or ignoring it if we are engaged in something as a family and follow up with it later.

Not only is the physical schedule an issue, but working as a medic I saw a lot of traumatic things. I would come home and want to talk about my shift with my wife. Some things were very hard for her to deal with. She wanted to encourage and support me so she would sit and listen until it finally caused to much crisis in her. In order to allow time to process for both of us before going to bed we set up a 30 min rule. For 30 Minutes after I got home we would talk about my shift and then we would stop and go to doing things and talk about other topics. This was healthy for both of us because it let us relax and not go to bed on the heavy emotions of the previous day. So many arguments were relieved simply by controlling our schedule and the discussions that surrounded our time.

Are outside events taking away from your time together such as bringing home work or the emotions from work? This can be easily remedied by simply putting a plan together how to get the things you need done and not take away from time together.
(My wife suggests when you come home do not go straight back to work, but spend time together and with your family. Set a specific time to do your work, start and finish. If you do not get it done, you need to still stop and if anything get up earlier in the morning to finish. Bring coffee in to your spouse at the time you would normally get up to nurture them because of the disruption of schedule. Even though they did not get up out of bed their sleep is impacted by getting up earlier.)

If you are having a hard time figuring out the cause of conflict or even working through an issue go to someone you both trust to help work through it or a counselor/ pastor. If you are seeking a counselor/ pastor, I would suggest you seek out a counselor that is currently married and has been married for some time as well as not currently involved in a divorce of their own.