The military established rules of engagement long ago for two reasons: (1) to ensure we did not start a fight with allies or people just seeking to get out of the fight and (2) so that those under their command know when the battle is over without escalation due to excessive force. Law Enforcement has rules as well called Standards of Procedures or SOP’s to manage situations with as little conflict as possible. So why are there no rules for marriage?
Proverbs 24:3,4 “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches”.
The greatest home is the one that is peaceful and filled with love. Reality is we all have moments of conflict. The difference is how we deal with that conflict. How we manage arguments will define not only our relationship, but also the relationships of our children. I was given several rules to live by when I was newly married. I believe they were good principles that have helped keep our marriage whole.
(1) Was no name calling and swearing. By keeping the argument to the specific issue and not escalating by derogatory language we didn’t have argument spiral out of control. Staying on the issue also helps to resolve it sooner.
(2) Divorce is no longer in the dictionary. By removing the easy out we have to work through the issue and figure out what the real problem is. Marriage is not going to always be easy. Real marriages take work and by working you invest time and energy to work through things and take care of each other. We made a commitment for life and so it is worth the effort to make it the best possible.
(3) Do not go to bed mad. Spend the time to get to the bottom of the argument and mend the relationship. By not letting it fester over night or sleeping in separate rooms you keep things specific to needs and do not become historical.
(4) Do not be historical. If you have resolved a conflict let it be forgotten not used as salt in a wound over and over again. We all need correction from time to time, but it is important that the correction is kept to related time and event that has brought about the conflict.
Conflict can be caused by so many things in life I believe it is also important to figure out what is causing the conflict. Some things we have control and other things are outside factors we have no control. Consider these categories to narrow things down. (Money, Family, Schedule, and Other). If these things can be controlled we can put a plan together to manage it, if not we need to figure out how important it is and if we can live without it. Ask yourself, what do we need to survive and will this improve our marriage? If it is a need and it will improve your marriage then you need to work through to come up with a plan, if it is not a need and/or it won’t improve your marriage how do you minimize it or eliminate it all together. Outside family may not be something you can get rid of, but you can limit how much time you spend with them if they are tearing down your marriage. What else can you evaluate this way?
Money is often times a big conflict for all of us. Our desire for success and comfort can be different between people and the drive to reach our goals can cause a divide in our relationship. A simple fix is to set goals together that you both agree with and then put a plan of how to reach those goals. This may relate to careers, education and location in order to reach these goals, but if you are in agreement and supportive of each other the conflicts will be minimal.
Family can be a huge conflict between husbands and wives. Not only have you married each other, but now you have all these additional people you have to consider. Some things can be controlled and other things we must just support each other through. Parents will demand a lot of a new marriage, especially around different traditions like Christmas and Thanksgiving. A new couple really needs to define their own traditions and how they are going to work with the traditions of their parents. Children change some of the pressure we receive as a couple and during this time it is important that we support each other and the traditions we have decided on. It is also important to establish boundaries for our families so that they know what is expected as well as needed time. We may also need to set physical boundaries so that our privacy is respected.
Schedules are a difficult thing to manage for some of us. I am not a big time-clock type of person and am inclined to work until things are complete. I am also rescuer by nature, so I have a hard time setting aside my phone and focusing on my wife and family. Because of this there have been times I have not come home till late and times I have left my wife sitting while I ran off to help someone in need. I have had to learn to set a schedule and set aside my phone. It may mean turning off my phone at night or ignoring it if we are engaged in something as a family and follow up with it later.
Not only is the physical schedule an issue, but working as a medic I saw a lot of traumatic things. I would come home and want to talk about my shift with my wife. Some things were very hard for her to deal with. She wanted to encourage and support me so she would sit and listen until it finally caused to much crisis in her. In order to allow time to process for both of us before going to bed we set up a 30 min rule. For 30 Minutes after I got home we would talk about my shift and then we would stop and go to doing things and talk about other topics. This was healthy for both of us because it let us relax and not go to bed on the heavy emotions of the previous day. So many arguments were relieved simply by controlling our schedule and the discussions that surrounded our time.
Are outside events taking away from your time together such as bringing home work or the emotions from work? This can be easily remedied by simply putting a plan together how to get the things you need done and not take away from time together.
(My wife suggests when you come home do not go straight back to work, but spend time together and with your family. Set a specific time to do your work, start and finish. If you do not get it done, you need to still stop and if anything get up earlier in the morning to finish. Bring coffee in to your spouse at the time you would normally get up to nurture them because of the disruption of schedule. Even though they did not get up out of bed their sleep is impacted by getting up earlier.)
If you are having a hard time figuring out the cause of conflict or even working through an issue go to someone you both trust to help work through it or a counselor/ pastor. If you are seeking a counselor/ pastor, I would suggest you seek out a counselor that is currently married and has been married for some time as well as not currently involved in a divorce of their own.
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