You're on the Same Team

So many things I have read and heard talk about Him and Her as if they are on opposite sides or different teams. I want to address this issue first.


Genesis 2:24 says “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”.

When we are married we are on the same team. We are one unit moving through life. Decisions, Choices and circumstances don’t only affect just one of us, but rather both of us. I hear a lot of He doesn’t listen to me or she doesn’t care what I think. The truth is they both care, but aren’t sure how to clearly signal to the other.

Consider football. On one team there are many players. Each player is focusing on a call or code to signal the job they are required to do for the team. They may not remember what the other players are doing, but they know their job. Each player hears the same call and it means something completely different for each player. Other factors may also affect the way a player responds. Sometimes plays get completely messed up if a player couldn’t hear the call simply because of noise around or other distractions. In this same way we, husband and wives, hear different words and phrases that mean something specific to our job in our relationship. If we get those signals crossed, we end up going different directions and completely missing the needs of each other. Not that we didn’t hear or care, but just didn’t know how to respond based on the signal we received. So many marriages have fallen apart simply because they were running the other way and never got turned around.

So what now: Learn the signals. In football it takes lots of practice to work as a unit and become a winning team. It takes even more to win year after year. So in the same way we need to approach marriage. Practice! When we are newly married we’ve had a chance to get to know each other, but we may not understand what each signal means. It is important that we take the time to talk about everything. For a little while it is important that we give each other complete explanations until we learn the codes that replace long discussions. It is important that we do not shortcut the discussions, creating code words until we are both sure we are both talking about the same thing and expects the same reaction for that word. As we are married longer we do not need to explain everything all the time. But we all have to step back sometimes and talk things out again. When there are kids in the picture code words can be fun as well as essential to a healthy marriage. So practice codes before they are around if possible. Sometimes you may need to change up the calls if they get wise to you.

The games change, the teams change, and the observers change, but the two of you stay the same. Talk to each other!

Topics to discuss: Food (who is fixing it, likes and dislikes, etc), Chores (inside, outside, daily, weekly, who does what), Children (how many, discipline, when to have, education), Belief (what religious teaching/faith, authority, boundaries, etc), intimacy (talking, boundaries, likes/dislikes, sex, foreplay, birth-control, etc.) Family (parents, siblings, holiday schedules, boundaries).
There are so many things that need to be talked out, but this is a short list to get you started.