Mini Series Stage One (dating) Part Two

Consider how a pressure cooker works. To start you throw into your pot: veggies, meat, seasonings and water. You lock down the lid and set the top-not on the top. You turn on the fire under the pot to heat up the contents. For a while it seems like nothing is happening. Then you see steam begin to escape. What is going on? The pressure is building up inside along with heating the contents. Soon the top-not is screaming around in a circle with the release of steam. When it’s done you turn off the heat and wait for the steam to finish escaping. When it stops you open the lid and find the delicious contents inside.

Proverbs 27:2 “Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips”.

So what is dating for anyway? Is it a time for conquest leading to sex? If you ask most teenagers or young college that is their answer. The only reason they put out any effort is that final reward. If this is what they think, maybe first we need to ask who has been their teacher? Is it television and movies? Have they relied on their friends? As parents what have we modeled or told them? Sometimes those cool stories of days past can result in conflicting information.

Dating is a time for conversation. This is not a time to brag about all your accomplishments, but share things with each other. A good start may be something as simple as talking about what you read or watch on television. This may lead to conversation on your likes and dislikes. Do you both have similar interests? As you get to know each other talk more about things that worry you or what you dream of. One of the most complicated topics to explore are the what if’s. It may involve your relationship together, career promotion or loss, injury, and death. Quite simply dating conversation is anything you can read about, watch on television, what if about, worry about, or dream about. ALL topics are fair game.

Dating is an opportunity to play together. Not like play dates as children, but adult adventures. It may be as simple as a dinner and a movie or as exotic as a mountain climbing trip. This is an opportunity to share activities you like with another person. If this is the person you marry, are they going to support the activities you like when you are not working? Realize it does not mean they have to like everything you do, but can they support the time, money and other friends that are involved in that activity. What types of food do you each enjoy? This may be a chance to try something different, something you would have never considered before. Just a thought: sometimes exotic food can seem cool, but it may be extremely expensive and not satisfying. Be prepared just in case you need to stop off somewhere else for dessert. Don’t be upset if you or your companion doesn’t like something the other person does. It is our differences that make us special, and the goal of dating is to discover all these special nuances.

Dating prepares you for the family. Realize that if you marry that other person you are now related to a whole host of other people. Take the time to learn about each other’s families. Discuss traditions and upbringing. Is this a family you can get along with? Can you support their traditions and expectations or will you expect the other person to change? If you expect them to change you will need to discuss it before you meet their family.

Just like that boiling pressure cooker there is a lot involved in dating. You slowly turn on the heat and with it your relationship slowly blends. With heat and pressure the flavors slowly mix together. After you remove the pot from the heat, you can taste the blended result. Do the flavors you added work together? In other words when you have talked through what makes each of you unique, are you a good fit? Do you have heat? If the answer is yes, then you can work on sharing that meal with the others that are important to you. Let your families meet and learn about the things that make the two of you a special couple. Without pressure and heat the pressure cooker won’t work right. If you try to short cut the process such as jumping straight to sex and physical gratification it takes something away from the relationship. Dating or the processes associated with dating are very important to the overall recipe of the relationship. Remember, you are ultimately dating to find your mate!

Stages of Relationship – Part 1

Meeting is the first significant event of any relationship. If you are engaged or married there was a date and time significant to the start of your relationship. What was it that brought two people together? Was your relationship started at work, church, gym or another location? Was it a random start or planned? Planned could have been things like friends arranging blind dates, online source, or an arranged marriage. Was your relationship together more logical or romantic? It is important to understand what type of relationship you started with together?

Ephesians 5:17 “Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is”.

If your marriage was logical or arranged you may have had to learn about each other as you began your life together. The most common first stage of any relationship is dating. A relationship is more than mechanical dates and operations. What is it that attracted you to each other? From that first meeting there was something that carried you to the second date. What was it? Was it their physical looks, the way they sounded, or how you felt when you were around them? Think about the sensations?

When love is involved all senses are heightened. For example: Food. The meal you enjoy together and the food itself takes on the flavor of that love. The flavor takes on your desire of how the food should taste. It may even take on the emotion of that time. Just like when you go through a bad experience the food you remember often was the worst you ever tasted.

When you are first dating you desire time to slow down. What now frustrates you as bad service…was uninterrupted conversation between the two of you, then. You may have chosen a location that added to the excitement.

When you were younger did you live partially for the adventure? The adventure may have heightened the senses making it an even more intense special time. For the man, it was an opportunity to be the protector in a controlled situation. When it goes well, it builds up his ego. For the woman, it was a time to be valued like a jewel or other treasure. You were brought to the point of exhilaration and then back to a place of safety. It met an emotional need inside.

So what is it about the first stage of a relationship? How do we really reclaim what we believe is lost later in life? First of all talk about it. Mentally explore the feelings, expressions and things that attracted you to each other. Think about the sensations and emotions. Be honest with each other. This is a time you can laugh about the goofy things you did, trying to look cool or in control. Realize it was a different time in your life. You can’t necessarily re-live the details of that time, but you can experience the emotions that made that time significant. You may have to let go of expectations and schedules for a little bit. Just like how time just didn’t matter when you were dating. Just because you are married doesn’t mean those feelings and experiences aren’t important.

Children complicate the ability to totally reclaim the experience, but it is important to find the moments for you as a couple. Find time when you can block out the outside world and focus on each other. Preparing a meal together in the kitchen can be a great time to explore such concepts. It may require waiting till children are in bed or out on their own date if they are older. What are the types of things that you liked starting out? Was it food, activity, smells, or something else?

Figure out what you enjoyed together. Is it something you might enjoy now or some part of it? How can you create these experiences in your current situation? Do not expect to recreate the events of the past, but be prepared to make new ones. While kids are at home it can be as simple as planning a desert together or going out to swing on your kids swing when they are in bed. Fix coffee and wrap up in a blanket on the porch. Whatever you do, it needs to envelope you emotionally, just like when you were dating. The conversation about what you like and don’t like may be relevant as well. As you mature, some likes and dislikes will change. You need to talk just like when you started to date. Be free to feel the emotion of the moment. Love each other! Be enraptured in the sight and sounds of the moment. And if you have kids, enjoy the “Ooh Gross Mom and Dad” moments when they see you hugging or kissing. Laugh in the moment, it’s good for both you and your children.

Why Date?

Why do we put ourselves through this ritual of dating? What is the goal to dating? ( Sex, Friendship, Socializing, Escape, Marriage, Etc) With all the pressure of life, why on earth is dating important?

James 4:14 “You do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.”


So often we try to shortcut life. Speed dating, online dating services, mail order marriages, One night stands, or no string relationship. Movies and television show people meeting, moving straight to the bedroom and sex. Hollywood relationships are falling apart in the media left and right because of infidelity. The world is putting a lot of effort into promoting following your feelings, being spontaneous, and living the “grand life”. What is so grand about your life if you are on the fast track and not experiencing it? What is life without happiness!

So why is dating important? Dating begins before marriage to get to know each other. Explore likes and dislikes to find friends that we are compatible with. Dating is often times informal and relaxed so that we can sincerely focus on each other. It may vary between time with one other person or sometimes a group. We spend time sorting through people and finding that one person we have significant interest in. Wahoo, we have made a choice. Now what? We start to focus our time with that one other person. We talk about everything from food, music, family and sex. This is the point in a relationship where we have to define boundaries. Physically, how far is too far? (Teens ask this all the time).

Side Note: Right now I would like to suggest setting that bar at a comfortable place for both of you. Sex is the final step in the marriage ceremony to shift a couple from two flesh to one. Emotionally and physically you are joined together. Save this precious moment together for after your wedding and you will have a far more fulfilling relationship.

This is the point we meet each others parents and start talking about life goals and desires. If everything seems to click we make the next move, Marriage! Beautiful ceremony or justice of the peace, it doesn’t matter. Now you are married and ready for a life of bliss, or are you? You have closed the deal and now you have your spouse. Why does dating matter now? Dates together after marriage are to further your commitment to each other. By devoting specific time to each other you do not allow work and other influences to distract or divide your relationship. This is a time set aside focusing on each other. Not just our normal end to each day. (Until, it is more natural I would suggest putting this time on each others schedule or to-do list.) Dates after being married keep us connected to each other. As we grow and mature this is a time to discuss both physical and emotional changes and explore what we need to keep our marriage alive and interesting. Dates do not need to be complicated, but distractions need to be limited. If the household is only the two of you then a special dessert at home may be just what is needed. If you live with a house full of kids, like us, you may need to be away from the house and kids or may need to choose a different time after the kids are in bed. Being married comes with needs. Have fun shopping at the market together choosing the meals for the next week. Maybe pick out something special that you look forward to on a designated time. After marriage you have to be much more creative with your dates to keep things interesting.

I didn’t learn some of this till after I was run over by a SUV in 2007. So if you have been married for awhile, but had not been setting time aside don't be disheartened. Life is short and my opportunity to do things with my wife and family was almost cut short. There are many things that have changed because I can no longer physically do them. I have learned though that the simple things can be even more special. It is a reminder that life is fragile and can be gone in an instant.

Let me challenge you to schedule time for each other and follow through. Nothing is more important in this world than each other!