What's Our Role

So many times I hear the age old saying “who wears that pants in your house”? They imply there is a competition over who is in charge of the household. Let me first say there should never be competition in a household. Husbands and wives have responsibilities within a household. The only way things get done is if we work together as a “TEAM”.

Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Ephesians 5:22 “Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord”.

This is probably one of the most misused portions of scripture in both Christian an non-Christian households. It fascinates me how many times non-Christians that do not grasp the significance of scripture can quote the verses regarding the role of husband and wife.

So let’s take this apart a little bit. First of all I am going to address the husband. Your behavior is key to how a household is to run. We are to follow the example of Christ. We are not to be the authoritarian demanding respect and service from our wives. How did Christ lead the church? Throughout scripture Jesus showed love and compassion even before the church chose to follow him even through His sacrifice on the cross before they understood the significance of his love. I am not say you have to martyr yourself so that your wife understands how much you love them, but I am saying you may need to set your own needs and desires aside for your wife's. Christ gained authority and submission from the church by being an example. By sharing words of encouragement, taking some of the burden from others, relieving suffering, and by giving clear expectations He was able to earn respect and the desire of others to submit to Him. We as husbands have to take the first step by offering love; through encouragement, helping lift some of the burden and communicating clearly any expectations. It is important that we consider our own behavior in our marriage and what example we offer. We must show sincere love and commitment first before we can expect submission from our spouse. Jesus did not leave the church with a huge list of rules to live by. In the same way we should not run our own household burdened by a long set of rules. He instead left us with examples of how we can be successful with life. He did not demand, but simply left the church with a choice. Each day is a new day and with that day come new situations and choices we have to make. In our marriage is the same thing. We offer example and direction with simple rules, but we are not here to force our wives to submit. With time we earn the respect and submission of our wives. In some cases where there is clear communication and time during the dating and engagement phase of a relationship this can be a short process. In other cases where the ground work was not put in place, this may be a long process. But every day will offer new situations and with it decision. It is important not to be condemning when they choose their own path.

Wives, I know this is a sticky point. What does it mean to submit to your own husband? As Christians we desire the direction of Jesus as a starting point in life decisions. Jesus is not there with a big stick to beat us every time we choose to do something contrary to his instruction. That being said any time we choose our own way instead of listening to His direction things are just a bit tougher to get through. Submitting to your husband is simply listening to your husband’s direction and decisions. You may disagree and it is healthy to discuss your thoughts, but ultimately, as long as it does not mean putting yourself in harm’s way, you should respect your husband’s ultimate decision. By showing your husband respect and submitting to their authority there is a lot less conflict in your relationship. Remember in a marriage you are not in competition with each other. You are a team. With being a team someone has to lead and someone has to follow. It has nothing to do with who is stronger, faster, or better. It has to do with defining a chain of command so that life’s challenges can be overcome. If there is a competition over who is in authority then you will both be defeated by all the outside pressures of the world.

Husbands and wives need to understand that the world does not want to see healthy marriages. They work to pervert marriage and tear it apart. A lot of emphasis is put on devaluing marriage. It has even become a political issue where politics should hold no bearing simply because they are focused on it as a contract and not as a commitment. In this day and age there is very little commitment to anything. With our lives in a constant state of preparation for transitions; whether it be location, career, or friends it is hard to understand what commitment truly means. We are taught to look for the loophole in the contract and to defer responsibility. This is not the case with marriage. The minute you make vows to each other you have promised each other and God. Marriage is serious and the roles in marriage are serious. If we can work out the roles and commit our lives to each other, our marriages are the better for it.

It’s a Newlywed Thing

It is funny how people make assumptions before they know the facts. We have been invited to be part of different married groups. The groups start out with introductions. Usually, someone from the group will thank us for being there and make some comment about how nice it is to have a newlywed couple join them. It always gives us a great chuckle when we see their face after we tell them we have been married 20 plus years. What is it that makes people think we are newlyweds?

Ezekiel 16:13 “Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen and silk and embroidered cloth. You ate fine flour and honey and oil. You grew exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty…for it was perfect through the splendor that I had bestowed on you, declares the Lord God”.

It is your wedding day and you are king and queen for a moment. Standing in front of friends and family you share your vows. More importantly, you shine standing in front. Not because of bright lights or special effects, but with the love that you have for each other. When I think about what a newly married couple is, I think about the glow that they share. Perfect love. Maybe even a glimpse at what God has for us all. Because God is love. I have this picture of the wedding, where the couple is united with a glowing ring around them as God gives His Blessing. It is that moment when everyone can see a glimpse of God.

Whether you are newly married or married for years, that love can always shine through. So what is a newlywed? A couple that has dedicated their life to one another. Young love? A new union where they are now finding their way together? A team with fresh players?

Newlywed is a stage of joy and happiness that is obvious to those around. From the wedding to the honeymoon everyone sees the smiles, hears the laughter, and admires the joy a new couple offers. Newly married couples tend to touch and look at each other a lot also. They exhibit emotion, motion, and words. There is something about being around a new couple that is almost contagious. We all like to be around happy people. New couples are the happiest people to be around.

Being newly married is a time of new fresh beginnings. What were two separate individuals are now a couple. This is the first time you have to work together. Sorting out plans for chores, sharing spaces, learning to live and work together. Change is sometimes tough, but during this time there are hormones to help you. You overlook some little details and are tolerant of each other. This is the time you may forget to talk about things. The skills to communicate are not developed yet, so they choose to ignore some things.

Being a newlywed is a time of happiness, freshness, Joy and love. Just because you have been married for years does not mean you can’t have attributes of a newlywed. Let your love for one another shine through. Keeping your marriage fresh and your commitment strong will give others the impression that you are a newlywed couple also.

Are You Committed?

The world has become unstable with the latest financial crisis. Jobs are disappearing left and right as more pressure is put on small business. The media is reporting that marriages are failing at an increased rate during this crisis. The government is coming up with plans to help those in financial struggle, bailing out banks, businesses and home owners, but no one is scrambling to save the families.

Revelation 2:4 “But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first”.

I am astounded by the attitude regarding marriage as I talk to different people. Young college couples are telling me how they have been encouraged to just live together. Marriage is not really necessary till you are older and need the tax write off’s. I also had one couple tell me that they were told marriage is a political position of the conservative right. One couple explained that they were trying each other on for size before they got married. All of the college age couples I talked to at the time, had no real idea why marriage even mattered. They figured if no one expects them to stay together anyway, then why go through the hassle.

I am here to tell you that marriage is important and not a political position. Marriage is a commitment to one other person that you promise to be with for the rest of your life. Marriage is not the paper you receive from the government. It is the covenant you make with God and that other person. Marriage can only be honorable if it is in line with the Bible and the law of the land. You cannot pick and choose what works for you. This is a structure since the beginning of time.
Seriously think before you are married. Are you prepared to commit the rest of your life with that man or woman you are thinking about? Have you talked with them and are they ready to commit that same promise to you? Is your relationship honorable to God? Being this relationship is a covenant with God as well as each other you need to be sure. Seek wise counsel in your relationship. It is important that you understand that politics and government philosophy has nothing to do with your marriage. Do not give them the power to dictate something that is contrary to the word of God. Divorce is not an option so be sure of your relationship before you make that commitment.

There is nothing wrong with being a virgin before you get marriage. Do not be fooled with the concept that you have to be compatible sexually before you can be sure they are the right person. This is another false concept. If you are invested and committed the sex will be fine and become better with time. In this area, not having the ability to compare really keeps life simple and eliminates an unnecessary conflict.

For those that are married, find the joy in your marriage. Be committed to your marriage. Put God in your marriage and find the joy. With this covenant you are able to tap into pure love that can make your relationship whole if you let Him. There will be times of struggle and lows in life, but it holds no bearing on the marriage you have committed to. Look past life to the person you promised your life to and value the time together.

Why Date?

Why do we put ourselves through this ritual of dating? What is the goal to dating? ( Sex, Friendship, Socializing, Escape, Marriage, Etc) With all the pressure of life, why on earth is dating important?

James 4:14 “You do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.”


So often we try to shortcut life. Speed dating, online dating services, mail order marriages, One night stands, or no string relationship. Movies and television show people meeting, moving straight to the bedroom and sex. Hollywood relationships are falling apart in the media left and right because of infidelity. The world is putting a lot of effort into promoting following your feelings, being spontaneous, and living the “grand life”. What is so grand about your life if you are on the fast track and not experiencing it? What is life without happiness!

So why is dating important? Dating begins before marriage to get to know each other. Explore likes and dislikes to find friends that we are compatible with. Dating is often times informal and relaxed so that we can sincerely focus on each other. It may vary between time with one other person or sometimes a group. We spend time sorting through people and finding that one person we have significant interest in. Wahoo, we have made a choice. Now what? We start to focus our time with that one other person. We talk about everything from food, music, family and sex. This is the point in a relationship where we have to define boundaries. Physically, how far is too far? (Teens ask this all the time).

Side Note: Right now I would like to suggest setting that bar at a comfortable place for both of you. Sex is the final step in the marriage ceremony to shift a couple from two flesh to one. Emotionally and physically you are joined together. Save this precious moment together for after your wedding and you will have a far more fulfilling relationship.

This is the point we meet each others parents and start talking about life goals and desires. If everything seems to click we make the next move, Marriage! Beautiful ceremony or justice of the peace, it doesn’t matter. Now you are married and ready for a life of bliss, or are you? You have closed the deal and now you have your spouse. Why does dating matter now? Dates together after marriage are to further your commitment to each other. By devoting specific time to each other you do not allow work and other influences to distract or divide your relationship. This is a time set aside focusing on each other. Not just our normal end to each day. (Until, it is more natural I would suggest putting this time on each others schedule or to-do list.) Dates after being married keep us connected to each other. As we grow and mature this is a time to discuss both physical and emotional changes and explore what we need to keep our marriage alive and interesting. Dates do not need to be complicated, but distractions need to be limited. If the household is only the two of you then a special dessert at home may be just what is needed. If you live with a house full of kids, like us, you may need to be away from the house and kids or may need to choose a different time after the kids are in bed. Being married comes with needs. Have fun shopping at the market together choosing the meals for the next week. Maybe pick out something special that you look forward to on a designated time. After marriage you have to be much more creative with your dates to keep things interesting.

I didn’t learn some of this till after I was run over by a SUV in 2007. So if you have been married for awhile, but had not been setting time aside don't be disheartened. Life is short and my opportunity to do things with my wife and family was almost cut short. There are many things that have changed because I can no longer physically do them. I have learned though that the simple things can be even more special. It is a reminder that life is fragile and can be gone in an instant.

Let me challenge you to schedule time for each other and follow through. Nothing is more important in this world than each other!