Relationships Stage 2 Part 2 ( Engagement)

I love sitting on the beach, looking out at the movement of the sea. The beauty and power of the waves exhilarate me as they rush towards the shore. Starting out as a small bump it gains power. As it contacts the ocean floor it increases in size. Finally, it changes shape and shows its power. Quickly, it goes from the ripple that passes under to an incredible force. I am simply amazed by the power of a wave.

Luke 2:19 “But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart”.

Now that you have asked the question you have entered a whole new realm in your relationship. There are several traditions and activities that surround this time, but most important it is a time of preparation. Engagement is a time of special events and planning. What was a quiet commitment between the both of you is now public. You have announced to the world that you are a couple and have welcomed that same audience to celebrate with you or even critique the possibilities before you.

Parties:
There will be parties to celebrate the upcoming wedding, but also a time to gather friends and family around. They will shower you with fun and playful banter, but also ask the questions you need to think through. Friends will share embarrassing moments both from your life and theirs. A new bond is forming and deeper character is being exposed.

Questions:
This is an opportunity for you to ask specific questions regarding marriage. Look at your families and analyze what their marriages are like. What elements do you want in your marriage and what things do you want to do differently? You may even discuss why your parents did or didn’t do certain thing. It is possible they wanted the same things, but it was not possible because of circumstances and situations. Consider events, emotions and choices your parents made. You may be faced with many similar choices in your life.

Do not be surprised by the millions of questions you will be asked. Like a celebrity before a camera, many will want to know, no topic is sacred, and the settings are unpredictable. Ponder every question and answer truthful from your heart. This is not a time to offer a quick answer. Those around care about you and desire you to make the best choices possible for your life. Some questions do not require an answer, but simply offer something to think about. Be willing, not agitated.

Birth Control:
Make sure you have discussed birth control, as well as children. Have a plan. Consider on occasion they do not work. If you are planning on using something like the pill remember it takes some time for it to metabolize in your system to do the job. Consult wise council on this topic at least ninety days before your wedding day. Discuss alternatives, both types and applications. (Note: ooh gross is a normal response to some options.)

Emotions:
Consider the emotions you will be feeling. You need to get a handle on yourselves. As you begin to move to the next stage of your relationship you feel even more exhilarated. If you don’t keep your hormones in check they will run away with you. Those same hormones will make your wedding day the best day possible if you wait. Your emotions are flying high during this time in your life so you will discover a newer intensity in your senses. Your reactions will be more magnified in a way you have never felt before. You have found a new sense of happiness when you are together and longing when you are apart. Understand your feelings. Talk to your parents about their experiences or a trusted friend. You are going to be sensitive and you need someone to help keep you balanced. You may also need or want some more accountability, hormones are a powerful thing, it is okay to have reinforcements to help you keep them under control.

Just like the wave, the energy and speed of events and emotions will move faster and faster as you get closer to your wedding. Doubts may also materialize at this time. Explore those thoughts too. If during you engagement you or your future spouse struggle with infidelity you need to slow down and take a reality check. Marriage does not fix problems. Nor will it stop abuse, only magnify it. Lust and conquest are not love. Self confidence is not gained by uniting with another. A marriage relationship is a special union of intimacy and friendship, strengthened and intensified by love and faith. Your engagement time is that final opportunity to check and double check your commitment. The unique pressures will expose the flaws or the beauty. Infidelity and abuse are not going to get better after you are married. You cannot change the other person to suit you. Most likely you will compromise to suit them after you are married. This is the time to figure things out before the marriage commitment. Embrace your engagement, enjoy it, learn from it, and utilize the moments to their fullest.

Relationships Stage 2, Part 1(Engagement)

You walk into a jewelry store and mention you are looking at engagement rings. In an instant all the sales staff converges on you wanting to share their knowledge of diamonds. Your head is filled with information on cut, clarity and color. You feel weak in the knees as they ramble about price and financing. Finally, you run out overwhelmed at all that goes into the choice of a simple ring. How much harder is it going to be once you are married? The pit of your stomach churns in the anxiety of whether you are making the right decision or not. How do you know what’s right?

Matthew 19:4,5 “He answered, Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”?

You swoon at the thought of THE question and anticipate the date. If you are the man you brain storm ideas, what is the right way to propose? As the woman you imagine the moment, a soft smile upon your lips and explore the ideas of the perfect proposal with friends. All you want is to know that you are both feeling and thinking the same way.

After you get your legs under you and have decided on a ring, it is time to finalize the commitment. For some that may mean going to her father for permission. Not a bad idea to be on the good side of her father and mother. Once you have their blessing, what is going to be the best way to ask? Mom and Dad may have some ideas on this topic also. You can also include them in the process to allow more creativity or adventure. Then there is always the issue of the parents that are not so “excited” about the concept. Like in a medieval sword fight, the heaviest emotional blow can come from the doubting words of a parent, sometimes your own. Or you may be met with the test of wills and the devil’s advocate approach. If you truly love the women you are inquiring about, these moments will not daunt you. Consider them your first micro lesson on marriage, ponder all the comments, the result will be a slightly stronger foundation for your relationship. Remember, parents love their children deeply.

Now on the other hand, there is a school of thought that says, “Why does it matter what the parents think?” True it is your life, but remember, they are going to become part of your life too or have been part of your life for a very long time and like to be included. If you choose not to be a traditionalist in this area, it is okay but do not be surprised if the topic is brought up over and over again through the course of your relationship. We call this “being historical” and this particular element of the young relationship is one parents seem to remember. The story of the engagement and all the events will live and be told a long time. If you doubt this concept, consider the tales of Robin Hood. What do you hear about most? His deeds or his relationship…

I have heard many different amazing proposals. Don’t feel pressure from any of them. You need to make it special to the two of you.

Mini Series Stage One (dating) Part Two

Consider how a pressure cooker works. To start you throw into your pot: veggies, meat, seasonings and water. You lock down the lid and set the top-not on the top. You turn on the fire under the pot to heat up the contents. For a while it seems like nothing is happening. Then you see steam begin to escape. What is going on? The pressure is building up inside along with heating the contents. Soon the top-not is screaming around in a circle with the release of steam. When it’s done you turn off the heat and wait for the steam to finish escaping. When it stops you open the lid and find the delicious contents inside.

Proverbs 27:2 “Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips”.

So what is dating for anyway? Is it a time for conquest leading to sex? If you ask most teenagers or young college that is their answer. The only reason they put out any effort is that final reward. If this is what they think, maybe first we need to ask who has been their teacher? Is it television and movies? Have they relied on their friends? As parents what have we modeled or told them? Sometimes those cool stories of days past can result in conflicting information.

Dating is a time for conversation. This is not a time to brag about all your accomplishments, but share things with each other. A good start may be something as simple as talking about what you read or watch on television. This may lead to conversation on your likes and dislikes. Do you both have similar interests? As you get to know each other talk more about things that worry you or what you dream of. One of the most complicated topics to explore are the what if’s. It may involve your relationship together, career promotion or loss, injury, and death. Quite simply dating conversation is anything you can read about, watch on television, what if about, worry about, or dream about. ALL topics are fair game.

Dating is an opportunity to play together. Not like play dates as children, but adult adventures. It may be as simple as a dinner and a movie or as exotic as a mountain climbing trip. This is an opportunity to share activities you like with another person. If this is the person you marry, are they going to support the activities you like when you are not working? Realize it does not mean they have to like everything you do, but can they support the time, money and other friends that are involved in that activity. What types of food do you each enjoy? This may be a chance to try something different, something you would have never considered before. Just a thought: sometimes exotic food can seem cool, but it may be extremely expensive and not satisfying. Be prepared just in case you need to stop off somewhere else for dessert. Don’t be upset if you or your companion doesn’t like something the other person does. It is our differences that make us special, and the goal of dating is to discover all these special nuances.

Dating prepares you for the family. Realize that if you marry that other person you are now related to a whole host of other people. Take the time to learn about each other’s families. Discuss traditions and upbringing. Is this a family you can get along with? Can you support their traditions and expectations or will you expect the other person to change? If you expect them to change you will need to discuss it before you meet their family.

Just like that boiling pressure cooker there is a lot involved in dating. You slowly turn on the heat and with it your relationship slowly blends. With heat and pressure the flavors slowly mix together. After you remove the pot from the heat, you can taste the blended result. Do the flavors you added work together? In other words when you have talked through what makes each of you unique, are you a good fit? Do you have heat? If the answer is yes, then you can work on sharing that meal with the others that are important to you. Let your families meet and learn about the things that make the two of you a special couple. Without pressure and heat the pressure cooker won’t work right. If you try to short cut the process such as jumping straight to sex and physical gratification it takes something away from the relationship. Dating or the processes associated with dating are very important to the overall recipe of the relationship. Remember, you are ultimately dating to find your mate!

Stages of Relationship Mini-Series Introduction

Living life is far more exciting than any movie you can see on the big screen. Take a step back and look at your life. What is it that marks events in your mind? Understand that memories are associated with emotions. Those deep seated reflections or moments with grandma as a kid or the day you made the winning play in high school. They are all connected to an emotion. Understand, not all memories are pleasant, just as emotions are not limited to one response. Parents, pastors and friends try to offer advice based on how we have handled events in the past. By listening to them we gain wisdom that prepare us for the future.

Proverbs 22:17, 18 “Incline your ear, and hear the words of the wise, and apply your heart to my knowledge, for it will be pleasant if you keep them within you, if all of them are ready on your lips”.

Marriage is so much more than meeting, living and dying. The unique complexities to the marriage relationship have enabled a whole commercial industry to be built around the subject. Just like the reality sex sells. Much of our retail and service market money is tied to marriage and family. Take for instance the societal traditions and expectations around the wedding alone. The wedding dress market makes millions every year. Even when the economy is down people are falling in love and getting married. There are locations set aside and landscaped just to offer the right setting for the fairy tale wedding, at a price. That happy marriage is expected to run into hard times so there are counselors attaching family to the front of their title to attract couples to them. Marketing professionals spend a large portion of their time designing advertising around family. The auto industry shows the family car with five star safety rating or the resort with great family vacation packages. Communities use slogans like “great family community”, spotlighting features like walking trails, parks, and activities. And let’s not forget books, magazines, and yes even tabloids all capitalize on the topic of relationships and marriage.

Rather than falling into the pitfall of chasing the next fad or scrambling to have the perfect fairy tale, I would suggest understanding the stages of marriage and how to navigate them yourself. Create a tool box just for your marriage. Remember every marriage is unique. Not everyone is exactly the same, but there are landmarks that are similar and with the right tools and processes the changing landscapes of your relationship can be successfully navigated. Just like when you are building something, you must have the plan, the parts, and the tools to put it together. Marriage is very similar to that building. By being prepared and filling your toolbox with the right tools you do not have to become another statistic.

Society likes to place a number on life’s failures. They put others down in order to build themselves up or maybe to make more money selling the next cure-all. Rather than measuring your relationship on the failures, understand it is a process. Over the next several weeks I will describe the stages of marriage in more detail. Exploring dating, engagement, being newlywed, sex, children, careers, loss, transition, retirement, health (or lack there of), and even death and some ideas how to navigate through them. Life is more than living and dying. You need contact with others and to feel value. You must feel and experience. In order to feel value you need to learn how to value others. So in summary, people are not tools, they are imperfect human beings filled with living emotion. Value your spouse, love them, and bring your tool belt along for the adventure.

Stages of Relationship – Part 1

Meeting is the first significant event of any relationship. If you are engaged or married there was a date and time significant to the start of your relationship. What was it that brought two people together? Was your relationship started at work, church, gym or another location? Was it a random start or planned? Planned could have been things like friends arranging blind dates, online source, or an arranged marriage. Was your relationship together more logical or romantic? It is important to understand what type of relationship you started with together?

Ephesians 5:17 “Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is”.

If your marriage was logical or arranged you may have had to learn about each other as you began your life together. The most common first stage of any relationship is dating. A relationship is more than mechanical dates and operations. What is it that attracted you to each other? From that first meeting there was something that carried you to the second date. What was it? Was it their physical looks, the way they sounded, or how you felt when you were around them? Think about the sensations?

When love is involved all senses are heightened. For example: Food. The meal you enjoy together and the food itself takes on the flavor of that love. The flavor takes on your desire of how the food should taste. It may even take on the emotion of that time. Just like when you go through a bad experience the food you remember often was the worst you ever tasted.

When you are first dating you desire time to slow down. What now frustrates you as bad service…was uninterrupted conversation between the two of you, then. You may have chosen a location that added to the excitement.

When you were younger did you live partially for the adventure? The adventure may have heightened the senses making it an even more intense special time. For the man, it was an opportunity to be the protector in a controlled situation. When it goes well, it builds up his ego. For the woman, it was a time to be valued like a jewel or other treasure. You were brought to the point of exhilaration and then back to a place of safety. It met an emotional need inside.

So what is it about the first stage of a relationship? How do we really reclaim what we believe is lost later in life? First of all talk about it. Mentally explore the feelings, expressions and things that attracted you to each other. Think about the sensations and emotions. Be honest with each other. This is a time you can laugh about the goofy things you did, trying to look cool or in control. Realize it was a different time in your life. You can’t necessarily re-live the details of that time, but you can experience the emotions that made that time significant. You may have to let go of expectations and schedules for a little bit. Just like how time just didn’t matter when you were dating. Just because you are married doesn’t mean those feelings and experiences aren’t important.

Children complicate the ability to totally reclaim the experience, but it is important to find the moments for you as a couple. Find time when you can block out the outside world and focus on each other. Preparing a meal together in the kitchen can be a great time to explore such concepts. It may require waiting till children are in bed or out on their own date if they are older. What are the types of things that you liked starting out? Was it food, activity, smells, or something else?

Figure out what you enjoyed together. Is it something you might enjoy now or some part of it? How can you create these experiences in your current situation? Do not expect to recreate the events of the past, but be prepared to make new ones. While kids are at home it can be as simple as planning a desert together or going out to swing on your kids swing when they are in bed. Fix coffee and wrap up in a blanket on the porch. Whatever you do, it needs to envelope you emotionally, just like when you were dating. The conversation about what you like and don’t like may be relevant as well. As you mature, some likes and dislikes will change. You need to talk just like when you started to date. Be free to feel the emotion of the moment. Love each other! Be enraptured in the sight and sounds of the moment. And if you have kids, enjoy the “Ooh Gross Mom and Dad” moments when they see you hugging or kissing. Laugh in the moment, it’s good for both you and your children.

The Rest of the Team

Two teams on the field competing for the right to be called the winner. Teams made up of strong teens all prepared for this one event. It’s the final game of the season. Sweat and mud covers them all from head to toe. Everyone is tired, but motivated to keep going. The ball snaps and lines crash together. Just modern day gladiators pushing to prove their dominance. The quarterback sends the football aloft, floating on a cushion of air down the field. The Spectators wait, holding their breath, as they watch the play unfold. In the end zone one player waits alone as the ball is cradled into his hands. The announcer’s screaming touchdown over the loud speaker. As the players run off the field, the coach calls the receiver over, pats him on the back and gives him a hearty good job.

Proverbs 31: 28, 29 “Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all”.

Just like the game of football, many people are involved in the winning play, but only one or two receive the praise. If anyone had not done their job to the best of their ability, the ending may have been very different. Marriage can be like the game. There are multiple people involved, but often times only one receives the recognition.

When your marriage struggles through hard-times it takes the both of you. Pushing and sacrificing until a goal is reached. There may be times that you both just do what is needed without talking about it. In the end only one person may get the reward. It may mean the promotion at work you have been vying for. It may be a financial success so that you can buy the new boat or motorcycle. It may be a new house or car. How many times as a couple have you pushed together so that the husband can have the pat on the back and the good job? Men seek recognition and an image of accomplishment. This really builds up our egos and helps our fragile self esteem.

The problem is, what about our wives. They have sweated and gotten dirty with us. What have we done to tell them good job as well. What encouragement have they received for their part? I have heard it said their accomplishment and sign of success is their children. Children are an accomplishment, but should not be placed solely on them as their responsibility and sign of their success. Raising children is a responsibility of both parents and in so doing, a sign of both your success. Your wife needs as much support and encouragement for meeting goals and building self esteem as you. If it is education, career, or another goal, you need to work together so both of you succeed. Just as your wife supports rewards of your accomplishments, you need to figure out what she needs as well.

We all need encouragement to build up self esteem. Selfishness just gets in the way of a healthy marriage. Try to look at your life and what you have done for each other. Is it equitable for both of you? What goals are you working on reaching? Is there rewards planed for both of you as well?

Bored with Your Life, Not Your Wife

How many times have you heard a child come to their parents saying, “I’m Bored”? You look in their room and it’s brimming with toys. They own the newest game system, cell phone, and high tech computer. There is stimulation for their mind, physical body, and optic nerves and yet they are still not satisfied. How on earth can they be bored?

Philippians 2:14,15 “Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God, without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world”.

Bored is a developed misconception. I know many couples that talk about being bored in their relationship. They believe, like that child, they need and deserve something or someone more. Being overindulged as a child only validated this behavior and emotion. So how do we get to this point?

First of all we need to consider the emotion involved. It is not that we have really become bored, but have no other way of describing the emotion we are feeling. Stop for a minute to consider what is going on. Every whim or desire is right in front of us. We know what to expect mechanically. What is it we are looking for? We want connection. For some reason we feel we are not connecting and so we look for a way to stimulate that relationship. Rather than identifying the real problem we find a way to illicit a reaction. Quick solutions never solve the missing need. Just like a child with the room full of toys doesn’t need another toy.

Identify what it is that is missing. What is it about your relationship that has changed or is not satisfying anymore? Some things can be identified and simply resolved. When we are focused on one thing and drive to accomplish it, such as a career, we can let other parts of our life slide. We might have stopped talking, touching, laughing, smiling, or any other of many different behaviors that stimulated our marriage. The need that comes out as bored is simply finding what has been lost in our marriage. We may need to address additional stress or other outside influences.

What was the core of the marriage that brought two people together? Just like when dating before married, there are emotions and behaviors that reinforced the connection. In the case of the child, they were not bored, but needed your attention and interaction. A new game or distraction temporarily relieved the need, but the need was there and still not satisfied. How many marriages break up because they didn’t figure out what they had left out, but still have a great friendship? If they had simply figured out what was missing in the relationship they could still be together, happily married. Not every case will fit this model. Just like not every person is the same. However, if the feeling comes up that you label as boredom, take a step back and figure out what you really need. It is not that you are bored with each other. There is something you both need. It is important to work together to figure it out. Be understanding.

Your marriage is worth the effort.

History and Politics Repeat Themselves

I am fascinated by the Romans. They rose to power quickly and conquered vast stretches of land around the Mediterranean. With all the power and authority that was given to them they still floundered and fell in the end. A people that started with discipline, status, and respect gave it all up for carnal desires. They ruled and played according to their emotion and sexual desires. In the end disease ravished their people, their military discipline was lost and they fell to all the surrounding countries.

Hebrews 13:4 “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral”.

So what is it about the Roman people? I think it’s because the United States is so similar to their society. Our Governmental stance is permissive of almost all religions. The Romans adopted all the surrounding religions as well. The Romans accepted or even elevated sexually immoral people and actions around the country. The US has followed this model and has even allowed the formation of a special minority group now a political power. The Roman Empire controlled a large portion of the world around them. Many practices are even part of our society today. Just like the Romans we influence a large portion of the world.

In the end the Romans chose the will of a minority group over what was right and crucified Jesus Christ. Blameless and without charge he suffered the most horrific death of the time. It was considered so cruel they passed a law forbidding it from being used on any Roman Citizen. Christians were arrested and tortured for sport in the coliseum. Today in the United States, there are small groups legislatively attacking Christian people. On a stance of equality Christianity is almost silenced by Political Correctness. People are becoming afraid to be identified with the moral conservative Christian.

This is the society we live in now. Marriage is questioned in every form of media. Television, Movies, Radio, and print all show a lifestyle contrary to strong dedicated marriages. That is why it is so important to consider what is occurring in your own marriage. Do not be misled by false concepts. Be careful what influences your decisions in your marriage. Carefully consider all the media around you. What ballot measures are attacking your relationship and commitment? I hope none. If there is something being voted on, does this change what marriage means to you? Yes or No?

For me this doesn’t change a thing. I am not confused in my stance or commitment to my wife. My marriage is precious and I will not allow anything to harm the relationship I have with my wife. As for those that choose to defile marriage, it is not for me to worry about. My commitment is more than words said at a ceremony or a piece of paper from the government. Marriage is a commitment between a man and a woman promised to God and blessed by God. Keeping marriage pure does not mean all other problems will go away, but does give a foundation to protect it from harm. No one can ruin what my wife and I mean to each other, if we do not let them. Politics does not belong in marriage. Keep that sacred for the two of you and the God you believe in. Stand with your friends, and encourage them to make the same commitment.

Avoidence is Going Nowhere

My son has a battery powered car that steers and adjusts all by itself. It zooms across the room until it runs into something. When it encounters something in its way it backs up, turns and goes another direction. It begins to do tighter and tighter circles as it tries to avoid the things put in its way, not really getting anywhere.

Proverbs 12:25 “Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad”.

We can be caught going in circles just like the car. Spinning and adjusting never really getting anywhere. A relationship that avoids conflict and hard decisions never truly grows. What are the words that might be used for avoiding conflict or even decisions? How many times have you thrown out words like whatever or maybe? Rather than giving a definite answer you preface your answers with “if I can” or “I’ll try”? If the request is a little more direct do you give yourself wiggle room with “we’ll see” or “I guess so”? Do you preface every comment with a “but” or other exception?

By running in verbal circles we manipulate our spouses into a position of frustration. They verbally spar with us until they just can’t take it anymore and give up. Feeling victorious we walk away. Then we realize the hurt we have caused. Something that could be simply resolved with a calm conversation ends up open ended. How many times has an argument ensued out of frustration? We never discuss the real issue because we are caught in the circle seeking our own selfish desires.

What do we really gain by running these circles? I have seen marriages where husbands and wives no longer talk to each other. Neither of them is happy, but because they don’t feel that there is anything to be accomplished talking they just stop. This marriage is nothing more than an immature shell. They stay together out of principle or responsibility. I have watched couples that can no longer calmly talk to each other. Every discussion is loud and heated. These couples share with friends, pastors and counselors how unhappy they are. They are focused on the things they have lost or believe they are sacrificing for the marriage. They are so focused on themselves and how miserable they are that they miss the fact; they are causing their own misery. There are those marriages that operate in a state of servitude thinking they are meeting the needs of their spouse, never voicing their own feelings. The spouse is frustrated because they can’t offer what they don’t know. The list of dysfunctional couples behaviors can go on and on, but the fact of the matter is they all need one simple thing. Clear communication!

So why do we get trapped in the circle of avoidance? It may be something simple as embarrassment. It can be physical or emotional problems or limitations, so we feel we can not accomplish something so rather than discussing it, we throw up distractions. We may be financially strapped, so we discourage even the dream to relieve the pressure or stress of the situation. There is also the possibility that the verbal sparring is hiding significant issues. Work frustration, loss of job or other emotional crisis may create a situation that you feel you need to hide. Honesty is critical in a marriage to adjust and deal with any problem that arises. Avoid using distractions or phrases to manipulate the moment. It is important you work together to find solutions to meet the needs and desires of each other. By discussing feelings, circumstances, and desires you both have the ability to be proactive in finding solutions.

Mixed up or Blended

As the weather starts to shift and get warmer we start preparing for the summer. We plan vacations, camps for the kids, and anything else to fill the free time while it is warm. We pull out boats, wetsuits and life jackets from storage. Shop for new outfits and replace warn out clothing. We get all ready and the weather shifts to rain. What now?

I Corinthians 7:14 “For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace”.

Marriage is confusing enough if you really think about it. Two people are moving in together, married and now they have to learn how to care for each other. They need to find balance in both physical and emotional needs. They need to learn truly about each other. Then when they have it all figured out they mature a little more, get more education and everything changes again.

So considering this religion and beliefs can offer another challenge for a relationship. For example in the simple case, Christianity has many different denominations with different ways to worship. As you are dating it is a good time to explore each other’s beliefs so you can figure out if you can blend those beliefs together. Not making up your own religion, but abiding according to the rules and scripture you follow. Denominational rules are something you will have to decide on together. If you both have different beliefs all together there is even more conflict you will have to discuss. Do not try to sell yourself if you marry them they will change for you. If they are not willing to change before you are married they most likely not change after. Expectations of parents in this area, can also put additional strain on a relationship.

Be aware of the compromises you are willing to give in to. Is this changing who you are as a person and believer? What belief are you going to share with your children? The most confused are the ones trying to live in a mixture of both worlds suggesting tolerance of all religions. Religions of all types train up their people with conviction. No matter what the base there is an urgency to share your belief to offer a path for eternal happiness. In Christianity we believe strongly we serve the one and only living God. Through belief in Jesus Christ, not works, we are given the gift of eternal life. What is the basis of your belief?

Culture is another area that you are going to have to work out. Being we live in America we are exposed to many different cultures. When we are dating we may not consider cultural differences or expectations that may be placed on a marriage. In many ethnic cultures not only do you marry that other individual, but you accept responsibility for their family as well. Be sure you get along with the family and understand the social responsibilities you may be expected to maintain. There may be household expectations that you have not been exposed to growing up in a different type of household.

One example is what My wife calls the 1950’s housewife. She cooks, cleans, cares for the children and takes care of husband’s needs while he goes to work to provide for family. The modern twist to this is the same spouse is now sometimes expected to/or must work outside the home as well. Watch how the women behave in your spouse’s family. You will most likely be expected to function in a similar fashion. Are you prepared to live this way or do you desire a different lifestyle? Discuss who is the primary income earner or is it shared? Who is expected to manage the household? Or is it shared? You really need to talk these concepts through. Do not be critical of the way someone else has grown up, but consider if you can live in a similar environment. Discuss what you like and do not like of each family dynamic. Be clear about what you expect from each other.

What is a Mom

The world of the spider is fascinating. They weave intricate patterns of webs in corners, between branches or other locations where food might be caught. Every detail of their life is calculated even down to caring for their children. The female spider attracts the male to fertilize the eggs then when his work is done she kills him to provide food for her young and herself.

Isaiah 66:12,13 “ For thus says the Lord: Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river, and the glory of the nations like an overflowing stream; and you shall nurse, you shall be carried upon her hip, and bounced upon her knees. As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem”.

This weekend we celebrate Mother’s day. A time to remember all that our mothers have done for us and celebrate the gift they have given us. So what is it that makes a woman a mother? Is it childbirth? Is it providing food and clothing until we are able to provide for ourselves? Is it time invested? What is it that defines what a mother is? Webster’s defines a mother as a female parent, a woman in relation to her child; a way to take care of, a woman in position of authority.

I believe the definition of a mother is far more complicated than that. The person that receives the title of mother is the one that invests heart and soul into their child. I have watched my wife nurture my children over the last several years and am honored by the example she has been to them. A mother is the woman that provides food and clothing for her children and far more. Mothers offer security for their children. She is willing to do anything to protect her children from harm or hurt. A mother hurts with their child. She is there to hug away the fears when they need. She rubs out the sore muscles. A mother cries with her children, laughs with them, and dances with them. A mother is the foundation to the emotion in a home. She teaches her children respect and how to behave properly. A mother is a mediator in the household. She is there with a word of encouragement and the drive to see you succeed when you have nothing more to draw from. A mother offers a gentle touch. A mother has the toughest job in the family.

You may ask, what does this have to do with marriage. Well it has a lot to do with marriage. How you treat your wife is an example to your children. So many marriages melt down simply because of division in the household. Many times just because the mother feels taken advantage of, hurt in some fashion, or ignored till they stop feeling valued. Husbands need to make it a priority to nurture their wives and remember all they do. Not just on Mother’s Day, but all the time. Be an example to our children of the special person that makes up their mother. Not necessarily in gifts and comments, but in respect and love. Children see the sacrifice their mother offers. Husbands need to recognize the sacrifice and validate their wives, not take them for granted.

Love your wife and be an example to your children.

So You Want To Have Children or Do You

What is it about adults and games? Graduation, wedding showers, bachelor parties, engagement parties, and baby showers. It seems like when there is a significant life changing event we are expected to throw a party. So what is it about the party that helps prepare us for the next event? Nothing really. It is a time for our friends to gather around us giving us a happy send-off to that next adventure in our lives together.

Psalm 127:3 “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth”.

Children are a huge adjustment to a marriage. No longer is it just the two of you. With a child there are many other considerations. So while planning and preparing it is a good time to talk about these adjustments. First of all, are both of you wanting children and how many? It is okay if you decide you do not want children. No pressure here. Whatever you decide, as long as you both agree in the decision. If your relationship is struggling, children will not make it all the better. Children add pressure and stress to schedules and relationships if you are not together in the decision.

So what do you need to talk about? First of all figure out if you both want children. Talk about what the ideal situation would be. What is the ideal number of kids and why? Be as specific about dreams as possible. So now you’ve discussed children and have decided you want them. (Note: If the ideal does not happen, do not be disappointed. Children are a blessing from God, a treasure no matter the situation. Treat them as a blessing, not an inconvenience. The ideal is simply a place to start. Not a mandatory schedule.) Now how are you going to work with career plans? Understand when they are newborn you will not get much sleep. How much time will you take off? Are parents going to help when they are first born? How much can the husband help? If you are breastfeeding it will limit what the husband can do to help. Talk about the impact.

Raising children can be a challenge as well. You have both come from different family dynamics. This is a good time to talk about things like discipline. Children need structure and boundaries as they grow up. How are you going to establish those boundaries and enforce them when they cross that line? Do you believe in spanking, time outs, etc? Parenting requires involvement from both parents. How are you going to share the responsibility and keep communication clear between the both of you? Children are quick, so it is important to have a game plan. Keep communication open and support each other’s decisions. How are you going to pick your battles? What things are okay for freedom of individual expression and what things are household rules? And do not forget general “Safety Rules” which by nature are in a class by themselves.

Finally, what if you are not able to conceive children? I have talked to a few couples struggling with the stigma of infertility. The process of infertility treatment is invasive and brutal and not guaranteed to work. Do not let the pressure of children damage a healthy relationship. This is one area that you need to be sincere and honest. Put a plan together of how much and how long you are both willing to go through with treatments. If it does not work are you willing to look at adoption? What specifics would you need if you were to adopt? Talk about the emotions related to the idea of not being able to have your own natural children. Both of you, men and women have strong feelings on this topic, as well as other members of the family. Do not be afraid to explore here.

Children are an amazing part of my life. They have challenged me, and filled a different part of our life. Now they are old enough that we talk through just about everything. They were there to support my wife when I was down. In many ways they completed our family. They filled our household with love and a future heritage. We have an opportunity to shape a next generation of husbands to be caring, strong and sincere. I believe we have raised them in a way that they will have the tools to succeed.

Children are your heritage. What heritage do you want to show the world?

Helpless in the Moment

A calendar in itself is no more than a series of days organized in a fashion or order. We look at calendars to stay organized, anticipate significant events or mark off time that has passed. When working, we use calendars to tell when we are expected to arrive and leave as well measure work completed to exchange for pay. For those in the Northwest, we use a calendar to alert us of a change in season. Preparation of sorts for the work that is about to begin. We do not control the passing of time or the change of a day. So why do we get mad when things spin out of our perceived control?

I Corinthians 7:5 “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control”.

I find myself so paralyzed when I see my wife sick. I can only imagine how she felt when she saw me lying in a hospital bed after I was run over. I am reminded how fragile our lives really are and how we have no true control of our lives each day. So though I do not have control of illness or disease I do have control of choices I make.

How does a pebble tossed in a pond change the surface of the water? Our decisions have the same affect of the lives around us. These ripples in the pond of our lives can be positive or negative. This is something we do have control of. Being aware of the choices we make and the consequences, we can reduce the stress on our families. Out of our hands, time passes by. We helplessly watch our loved ones ride the waves of decision, consequence, injury or illness.

So, remember, regret simply steals joy and love away from us. Time is but a vapor!

So You Want to Talk Emotion

Have you watched a little boy ponder a beetle? They start by analyzing how they move, flip them over to see the belly and then the real curiosity kicks in. They dissect the little beetle limb by limb seeing how they move and recover based on the number of limbs left. Depending on the age, they may do either the smell or taste test for final assessment.

Revelations 1:19 “Write therefore the things that you have seen, those that are and those that are to take place after this”.

In some things we overanalyze the functions of the world around us. Trying to place meaning to every event or detail in our lives. I believe there are some things we simply need to accept and go on with life. Getting to bogged down in the details can distract from real issues.

Just like the child and the bug, men try to approach things logically. When we discuss topics with our wives we want to keep the conversation to logic and tasks. This is easiest for us to manage because of how we are wired. When our wives ask us to open up and discuss our emotions they are asking us to open up a section of our psyche that we are taught to close away most of our lives. Being a man for many families means closing away that part of us that are wives treasure the most. Only through time and understanding will that secret part of us be discovered. Depending on upbringing and life experience that part of us can be easier or harder to reach. Wives may need to look at family dynamics to understand the difficulty of this challenge.

Not to say every woman is emotional and every man is logical is too specific, but most will fit within this stereotype in some fashion. Wives that understand this difference will grasp the significance when their husbands do let them in. To find that point of truth and trust in a relationship that nothing is held back. It is when we both feel safe that we can hear each other out completely.

Husbands on the other hand need to understand that wives are more commonly attuned to their emotions. Rather than only accessed at limited points, wives entire thinking process is connected through emotion. Conversation prompts thoughts that are connected by emotional significance. That is why many times a conversation with your wife may bounce through many different topics. Do not be discouraged or frustrated, thinking they are not listening or understanding what you are talking about, but instead stay with them and the mental gymnastics they are going through. In some crazy way it will all relate. If you need, you can talk about the process of their logic. Most important, be sensitive to each other. When opening up you are most vulnerable. If insensitive substantial hurt can occur.

Anytime you need a serious conversation with each other choose a safe place that you both agree with. Be clear about what you both expect in your conversation. Be open to additional information that is shared. Respect Each Other!

Don’t let Anything Steal Your Joy

In Brazil there is a group of men that martyr themselves. They begin by flogging themselves as they march down the streets. When they arrive at the outside of the city they are secured to a cross and hoisted skyward. They put their body through this each year believing this is what Christ meant by dying to yourself. They avoid joy and self impose sacrifice to prove their commitment to Christ. I believe they missed the true message of God.

I John 1:5 “This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in Him is no darkness at all”.

Just like these men in Brazil I hear of husbands and wives being martyrs to the bad decisions they made in the past. I am confident that God intended marriage to be full of love and joy. I know this because God is Love. Do not buy into the messages from society that marriage is a drudgery or chore. Marriage does not need to be drudgery unless you accept it that way. Things happen, but there is no reason it should hang over your marriage forever. If you have asked forgiveness and served the consequences of that choice, do not carry the sorrow and pain year after year. So often, even though everyone else has moved on, spouses continue to start each morning wallowing in the pain of that decision. If they find joy and release they scramble to grab back hold of that “humble” attitude because they don’t feel they are worthy of the joy.

Self martyrdom is not humility! It is arrogant manipulation. By holding on to this emotion you cause hurt and harm to your spouse and family. Those believing that marriage is like a prison do not understand the true purpose of marriage. Marriage is supposed to be an opportunity to understand the true character of God. Marriage is to be an example of the relationship between God and the church. Each marriage is designed to be filled with joy, love and forgiveness. None of us are perfect, but we are all forgiven. Rather than dragging your family through a mire of negative emotion, accept the forgiveness and be an example of God’s unconditional love. There is so much to be happy and blessed by each day. Do not let the world steal the joy of your family away. There is no cost to joy except the investment of yourself in your family. Let your family be part of your life. Find reasons to laugh, smile and share joy with all those around you. Beat back the negative messages of the world. Do not involve yourself in negative bantering with friends and coworkers bashing marriage. Avoid movies and shows that tear down family and marriage. Find inspiration for your marriage.

Show your family how much you truly love them. Give up whatever is stealing the joy away from you and your family. LOVE!