Avoidence is Going Nowhere

My son has a battery powered car that steers and adjusts all by itself. It zooms across the room until it runs into something. When it encounters something in its way it backs up, turns and goes another direction. It begins to do tighter and tighter circles as it tries to avoid the things put in its way, not really getting anywhere.

Proverbs 12:25 “Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad”.

We can be caught going in circles just like the car. Spinning and adjusting never really getting anywhere. A relationship that avoids conflict and hard decisions never truly grows. What are the words that might be used for avoiding conflict or even decisions? How many times have you thrown out words like whatever or maybe? Rather than giving a definite answer you preface your answers with “if I can” or “I’ll try”? If the request is a little more direct do you give yourself wiggle room with “we’ll see” or “I guess so”? Do you preface every comment with a “but” or other exception?

By running in verbal circles we manipulate our spouses into a position of frustration. They verbally spar with us until they just can’t take it anymore and give up. Feeling victorious we walk away. Then we realize the hurt we have caused. Something that could be simply resolved with a calm conversation ends up open ended. How many times has an argument ensued out of frustration? We never discuss the real issue because we are caught in the circle seeking our own selfish desires.

What do we really gain by running these circles? I have seen marriages where husbands and wives no longer talk to each other. Neither of them is happy, but because they don’t feel that there is anything to be accomplished talking they just stop. This marriage is nothing more than an immature shell. They stay together out of principle or responsibility. I have watched couples that can no longer calmly talk to each other. Every discussion is loud and heated. These couples share with friends, pastors and counselors how unhappy they are. They are focused on the things they have lost or believe they are sacrificing for the marriage. They are so focused on themselves and how miserable they are that they miss the fact; they are causing their own misery. There are those marriages that operate in a state of servitude thinking they are meeting the needs of their spouse, never voicing their own feelings. The spouse is frustrated because they can’t offer what they don’t know. The list of dysfunctional couples behaviors can go on and on, but the fact of the matter is they all need one simple thing. Clear communication!

So why do we get trapped in the circle of avoidance? It may be something simple as embarrassment. It can be physical or emotional problems or limitations, so we feel we can not accomplish something so rather than discussing it, we throw up distractions. We may be financially strapped, so we discourage even the dream to relieve the pressure or stress of the situation. There is also the possibility that the verbal sparring is hiding significant issues. Work frustration, loss of job or other emotional crisis may create a situation that you feel you need to hide. Honesty is critical in a marriage to adjust and deal with any problem that arises. Avoid using distractions or phrases to manipulate the moment. It is important you work together to find solutions to meet the needs and desires of each other. By discussing feelings, circumstances, and desires you both have the ability to be proactive in finding solutions.