I have heard so many explanations of how men and women process information. Things like blue hearing and pink hearing, Women’s brains are balls of wire and men’s brains are boxes or my favorite, Women’s brains are spaghetti and men’s brains are like waffles. Any explanation you want is fine. Reality is we all process information differently.
I Corinthians 7:4 “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does”.
I want to start by saying stop thinking in the frame work of us and them. When you were married you gave yourself wholly to the other as a gift. Now it is important to understand that that gift is no longer your own and approach it that way. You are not in a competition, but a team. By being on the same team you work together toward success and happiness. Learn what makes each other work.
Husbands need to learn how their wives operate to start with. You have this gift, but no manual how to work it. Women are very complicated so you have to be careful to offer the right commands or they get all screwed up. Consider a computer. You start it up and it opens all these programs in the background. You start using one program and other functions continue to run. Alerts come up every so often to tell you a function is complete or started; system needs attention, or other details that most of the time you ignore. If you ignore all those alerts and warnings because you are focused and want to get whatever you are doing done. End result, your computer shuts down. If you are lucky it only needs its battery charged, but at the same time all might be lost. Your wife is the same way. You can be going along, but if you do not pay attention to those other functions they will crash. Women not only need input, but they need you to consider setting, needs and emotions. Do not be upset if you are talking about something and it shifts to a whole other topic. They heard the information you gave, but it provoked other thoughts or needs that are connected somehow in their brain. Women multitask in their minds all the time. You just need to take each function in order of importance and focus them down so you can understand. It is not that they are functioning wrong, but we have a hard time keeping up or are so wrapped up in wanting to get done, we miss the clues. Listen for the alerts and respond. Your life will be much happier for it.
Wives also need to understand how your husband functions. We are not so complex and are easily broken. We are a series of crank up music boxes, each with their own handle. If you want a new song you just need to grab a different music box out of our stack. We will only play one music box at a time though or we get confused and just shut down. If no one chooses a box and cranks it up, we stop the music and are happy sitting quiet until a music box is pulled out again. Wives get frustrated because it seems like we do not care. The truth is we have a process we need done because we are not always operating ready to go. You must choose the music (subject or task), let us get it out and then you need to crank the handle (clearly explain what you need and reinforce each stage) you may need to re-crank the handle a few times to get through the song, finally we need you to put that music box away (give us praise for completion). If you leave the music box out and it gets wet, it rusts and stops working. Take care of the music boxes. They are yours now.
I have heard many people say use sex as a motivator; it is your greatest tool. I completely disagree. By holding sex as your motivator and then the next and the next I see many relationships become bitter because of frustration. Of course when things are done and emotions are managed well sex is easier to enjoy, but I would suggest finding other ways of encouraging each other.
Practice different ways of communicating with each other to find what best works in your particular marriage. Understanding that we each process information differently, be patient with each other. As we mature and change those needs or ways we communicate may change as well. It is important we change with those needs. If it seems like we aren’t getting it, you are probably right. When this happens you may need to take a moment to figure out what step you missed in the process or did something in the process change. Women go through a lot of computer upgrades so we constantly need to stay up on the new technology. This unique system called your wife needs you to encourage the upgrades and take interest for her health. Take the time to learn the new processes available to you.
Remember you have given each other your body as a gift. Care for that gift and it will last you a lifetime!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Married in Sickness and in Health
For those that are young I suggest taking care of your bodies. As you grow older injuries and illness add stress to living. The more pain you suffer, the more struggles for your family to manage as well. To my wife, I look at your face and see the worry and struggle you bear, the finances you juggle, and the children you encourage through it all. Thank you for being there!
I Corinthians 10:23 “All things are lawful, but not all things are helpful. All things are lawful, but not all things build up”.
I made a choice November 2007 to get out of my car and help a friend. While there I was run over by a SUV that crushed my pelvis. My intention was to help and there was nothing wrong with that, but because of that choice my family carries a burden. The stress that has been placed on my wife because of this event has changed a lot of things in our lives and relationship, but through it we are even closer. In one instant or if one thing had gone differently I would not be here today. I had some control of my circumstances, but not everyone gets that chance. I have friends and acquaintances that are dealing with different types of cancer, heart issues, and other disease processes. I have watched depression rip through families. The struggles in those marriages are the same. Their spouses look on with helplessness as they have no way to help. In some cases that helplessness causes such conflict that they run away. Their relationship dissolves and bitterness replaces that amazing love they had for each other.
Why do some marriages endure and others crumble? I believe it is the foundation that their relationship is built on. The marriage built on physical needs falls apart when your body fails either by age or injury. If your marriage is built on success it goes the direction of the money or status. There are those marriages that are built on a strong foundation in both love and friendship that crisis hits and they still crash. So what makes the difference?
The difference is the counsel that surrounds us. Start with the model of our parents. Our parents modeled relationships that endured through the good times and bad. They are also there to offer wise counsel. They may not always agree with us in everything we do, but they are an encouragement to our marriage. Evaluate your parents when you have a chance. Will they be a good example and source of encouragement when you go through struggles? If not maybe you need to limit their influence in your relationship.
Friends can play a huge role in your successful marriage. Who are the friends that you stay in close contact with? Are they friends that encourage your relationship or do they encourage separation and independence? We have been blessed with friends that have come along side us and have encouraged us through the down times and celebrated in joy with us. We have a church family that has supported us when I was no longer able and taken time to encourage us through the day to day things. Those friendships have shifted as far as involvement based on needs of each other, but we are still there for each other when we call. Let me encourage you to find friends and people that will encourage you! The true friends are those that will be there during your deepest need! As you mature and grow together those friends should change, so do not be concerned. You want those of like mind to stay around, but those that cause conflict to move on. We do not do well as an island separated from other people, but it doesn’t mean we need to hold onto the same people through our entire lives. Relationships with friends will shift and flow like the tides of the ocean. Encourage each other and allow those changes to occur.
Understand that not only do we mature and change, but our bodies will change also. There will be times we look at each other and just do not like each other, but that does not mean we do not love one another. Do not fret these times, but embrace them. We grow in this way If we dig down and remember why we love each other those feeling too will pass and our relationship will become even stronger for it. There will be a time when youth is gone. Look beyond the appearance and find pleasure in the true beauty that remains. Finally, when our health has faltered it is tough for everyone involved. By creating a solid foundation these struggles can be overcome easily. Many hands makes light work. Remember, marriage is Sacred!
I Corinthians 10:23 “All things are lawful, but not all things are helpful. All things are lawful, but not all things build up”.
I made a choice November 2007 to get out of my car and help a friend. While there I was run over by a SUV that crushed my pelvis. My intention was to help and there was nothing wrong with that, but because of that choice my family carries a burden. The stress that has been placed on my wife because of this event has changed a lot of things in our lives and relationship, but through it we are even closer. In one instant or if one thing had gone differently I would not be here today. I had some control of my circumstances, but not everyone gets that chance. I have friends and acquaintances that are dealing with different types of cancer, heart issues, and other disease processes. I have watched depression rip through families. The struggles in those marriages are the same. Their spouses look on with helplessness as they have no way to help. In some cases that helplessness causes such conflict that they run away. Their relationship dissolves and bitterness replaces that amazing love they had for each other.
Why do some marriages endure and others crumble? I believe it is the foundation that their relationship is built on. The marriage built on physical needs falls apart when your body fails either by age or injury. If your marriage is built on success it goes the direction of the money or status. There are those marriages that are built on a strong foundation in both love and friendship that crisis hits and they still crash. So what makes the difference?
The difference is the counsel that surrounds us. Start with the model of our parents. Our parents modeled relationships that endured through the good times and bad. They are also there to offer wise counsel. They may not always agree with us in everything we do, but they are an encouragement to our marriage. Evaluate your parents when you have a chance. Will they be a good example and source of encouragement when you go through struggles? If not maybe you need to limit their influence in your relationship.
Friends can play a huge role in your successful marriage. Who are the friends that you stay in close contact with? Are they friends that encourage your relationship or do they encourage separation and independence? We have been blessed with friends that have come along side us and have encouraged us through the down times and celebrated in joy with us. We have a church family that has supported us when I was no longer able and taken time to encourage us through the day to day things. Those friendships have shifted as far as involvement based on needs of each other, but we are still there for each other when we call. Let me encourage you to find friends and people that will encourage you! The true friends are those that will be there during your deepest need! As you mature and grow together those friends should change, so do not be concerned. You want those of like mind to stay around, but those that cause conflict to move on. We do not do well as an island separated from other people, but it doesn’t mean we need to hold onto the same people through our entire lives. Relationships with friends will shift and flow like the tides of the ocean. Encourage each other and allow those changes to occur.
Understand that not only do we mature and change, but our bodies will change also. There will be times we look at each other and just do not like each other, but that does not mean we do not love one another. Do not fret these times, but embrace them. We grow in this way If we dig down and remember why we love each other those feeling too will pass and our relationship will become even stronger for it. There will be a time when youth is gone. Look beyond the appearance and find pleasure in the true beauty that remains. Finally, when our health has faltered it is tough for everyone involved. By creating a solid foundation these struggles can be overcome easily. Many hands makes light work. Remember, marriage is Sacred!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Why are we fighting anyway?
The military established rules of engagement long ago for two reasons: (1) to ensure we did not start a fight with allies or people just seeking to get out of the fight and (2) so that those under their command know when the battle is over without escalation due to excessive force. Law Enforcement has rules as well called Standards of Procedures or SOP’s to manage situations with as little conflict as possible. So why are there no rules for marriage?
Proverbs 24:3,4 “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches”.
The greatest home is the one that is peaceful and filled with love. Reality is we all have moments of conflict. The difference is how we deal with that conflict. How we manage arguments will define not only our relationship, but also the relationships of our children. I was given several rules to live by when I was newly married. I believe they were good principles that have helped keep our marriage whole.
(1) Was no name calling and swearing. By keeping the argument to the specific issue and not escalating by derogatory language we didn’t have argument spiral out of control. Staying on the issue also helps to resolve it sooner.
(2) Divorce is no longer in the dictionary. By removing the easy out we have to work through the issue and figure out what the real problem is. Marriage is not going to always be easy. Real marriages take work and by working you invest time and energy to work through things and take care of each other. We made a commitment for life and so it is worth the effort to make it the best possible.
(3) Do not go to bed mad. Spend the time to get to the bottom of the argument and mend the relationship. By not letting it fester over night or sleeping in separate rooms you keep things specific to needs and do not become historical.
(4) Do not be historical. If you have resolved a conflict let it be forgotten not used as salt in a wound over and over again. We all need correction from time to time, but it is important that the correction is kept to related time and event that has brought about the conflict.
Conflict can be caused by so many things in life I believe it is also important to figure out what is causing the conflict. Some things we have control and other things are outside factors we have no control. Consider these categories to narrow things down. (Money, Family, Schedule, and Other). If these things can be controlled we can put a plan together to manage it, if not we need to figure out how important it is and if we can live without it. Ask yourself, what do we need to survive and will this improve our marriage? If it is a need and it will improve your marriage then you need to work through to come up with a plan, if it is not a need and/or it won’t improve your marriage how do you minimize it or eliminate it all together. Outside family may not be something you can get rid of, but you can limit how much time you spend with them if they are tearing down your marriage. What else can you evaluate this way?
Money is often times a big conflict for all of us. Our desire for success and comfort can be different between people and the drive to reach our goals can cause a divide in our relationship. A simple fix is to set goals together that you both agree with and then put a plan of how to reach those goals. This may relate to careers, education and location in order to reach these goals, but if you are in agreement and supportive of each other the conflicts will be minimal.
Family can be a huge conflict between husbands and wives. Not only have you married each other, but now you have all these additional people you have to consider. Some things can be controlled and other things we must just support each other through. Parents will demand a lot of a new marriage, especially around different traditions like Christmas and Thanksgiving. A new couple really needs to define their own traditions and how they are going to work with the traditions of their parents. Children change some of the pressure we receive as a couple and during this time it is important that we support each other and the traditions we have decided on. It is also important to establish boundaries for our families so that they know what is expected as well as needed time. We may also need to set physical boundaries so that our privacy is respected.
Schedules are a difficult thing to manage for some of us. I am not a big time-clock type of person and am inclined to work until things are complete. I am also rescuer by nature, so I have a hard time setting aside my phone and focusing on my wife and family. Because of this there have been times I have not come home till late and times I have left my wife sitting while I ran off to help someone in need. I have had to learn to set a schedule and set aside my phone. It may mean turning off my phone at night or ignoring it if we are engaged in something as a family and follow up with it later.
Not only is the physical schedule an issue, but working as a medic I saw a lot of traumatic things. I would come home and want to talk about my shift with my wife. Some things were very hard for her to deal with. She wanted to encourage and support me so she would sit and listen until it finally caused to much crisis in her. In order to allow time to process for both of us before going to bed we set up a 30 min rule. For 30 Minutes after I got home we would talk about my shift and then we would stop and go to doing things and talk about other topics. This was healthy for both of us because it let us relax and not go to bed on the heavy emotions of the previous day. So many arguments were relieved simply by controlling our schedule and the discussions that surrounded our time.
Are outside events taking away from your time together such as bringing home work or the emotions from work? This can be easily remedied by simply putting a plan together how to get the things you need done and not take away from time together.
(My wife suggests when you come home do not go straight back to work, but spend time together and with your family. Set a specific time to do your work, start and finish. If you do not get it done, you need to still stop and if anything get up earlier in the morning to finish. Bring coffee in to your spouse at the time you would normally get up to nurture them because of the disruption of schedule. Even though they did not get up out of bed their sleep is impacted by getting up earlier.)
If you are having a hard time figuring out the cause of conflict or even working through an issue go to someone you both trust to help work through it or a counselor/ pastor. If you are seeking a counselor/ pastor, I would suggest you seek out a counselor that is currently married and has been married for some time as well as not currently involved in a divorce of their own.
Proverbs 24:3,4 “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches”.
The greatest home is the one that is peaceful and filled with love. Reality is we all have moments of conflict. The difference is how we deal with that conflict. How we manage arguments will define not only our relationship, but also the relationships of our children. I was given several rules to live by when I was newly married. I believe they were good principles that have helped keep our marriage whole.
(1) Was no name calling and swearing. By keeping the argument to the specific issue and not escalating by derogatory language we didn’t have argument spiral out of control. Staying on the issue also helps to resolve it sooner.
(2) Divorce is no longer in the dictionary. By removing the easy out we have to work through the issue and figure out what the real problem is. Marriage is not going to always be easy. Real marriages take work and by working you invest time and energy to work through things and take care of each other. We made a commitment for life and so it is worth the effort to make it the best possible.
(3) Do not go to bed mad. Spend the time to get to the bottom of the argument and mend the relationship. By not letting it fester over night or sleeping in separate rooms you keep things specific to needs and do not become historical.
(4) Do not be historical. If you have resolved a conflict let it be forgotten not used as salt in a wound over and over again. We all need correction from time to time, but it is important that the correction is kept to related time and event that has brought about the conflict.
Conflict can be caused by so many things in life I believe it is also important to figure out what is causing the conflict. Some things we have control and other things are outside factors we have no control. Consider these categories to narrow things down. (Money, Family, Schedule, and Other). If these things can be controlled we can put a plan together to manage it, if not we need to figure out how important it is and if we can live without it. Ask yourself, what do we need to survive and will this improve our marriage? If it is a need and it will improve your marriage then you need to work through to come up with a plan, if it is not a need and/or it won’t improve your marriage how do you minimize it or eliminate it all together. Outside family may not be something you can get rid of, but you can limit how much time you spend with them if they are tearing down your marriage. What else can you evaluate this way?
Money is often times a big conflict for all of us. Our desire for success and comfort can be different between people and the drive to reach our goals can cause a divide in our relationship. A simple fix is to set goals together that you both agree with and then put a plan of how to reach those goals. This may relate to careers, education and location in order to reach these goals, but if you are in agreement and supportive of each other the conflicts will be minimal.
Family can be a huge conflict between husbands and wives. Not only have you married each other, but now you have all these additional people you have to consider. Some things can be controlled and other things we must just support each other through. Parents will demand a lot of a new marriage, especially around different traditions like Christmas and Thanksgiving. A new couple really needs to define their own traditions and how they are going to work with the traditions of their parents. Children change some of the pressure we receive as a couple and during this time it is important that we support each other and the traditions we have decided on. It is also important to establish boundaries for our families so that they know what is expected as well as needed time. We may also need to set physical boundaries so that our privacy is respected.
Schedules are a difficult thing to manage for some of us. I am not a big time-clock type of person and am inclined to work until things are complete. I am also rescuer by nature, so I have a hard time setting aside my phone and focusing on my wife and family. Because of this there have been times I have not come home till late and times I have left my wife sitting while I ran off to help someone in need. I have had to learn to set a schedule and set aside my phone. It may mean turning off my phone at night or ignoring it if we are engaged in something as a family and follow up with it later.
Not only is the physical schedule an issue, but working as a medic I saw a lot of traumatic things. I would come home and want to talk about my shift with my wife. Some things were very hard for her to deal with. She wanted to encourage and support me so she would sit and listen until it finally caused to much crisis in her. In order to allow time to process for both of us before going to bed we set up a 30 min rule. For 30 Minutes after I got home we would talk about my shift and then we would stop and go to doing things and talk about other topics. This was healthy for both of us because it let us relax and not go to bed on the heavy emotions of the previous day. So many arguments were relieved simply by controlling our schedule and the discussions that surrounded our time.
Are outside events taking away from your time together such as bringing home work or the emotions from work? This can be easily remedied by simply putting a plan together how to get the things you need done and not take away from time together.
(My wife suggests when you come home do not go straight back to work, but spend time together and with your family. Set a specific time to do your work, start and finish. If you do not get it done, you need to still stop and if anything get up earlier in the morning to finish. Bring coffee in to your spouse at the time you would normally get up to nurture them because of the disruption of schedule. Even though they did not get up out of bed their sleep is impacted by getting up earlier.)
If you are having a hard time figuring out the cause of conflict or even working through an issue go to someone you both trust to help work through it or a counselor/ pastor. If you are seeking a counselor/ pastor, I would suggest you seek out a counselor that is currently married and has been married for some time as well as not currently involved in a divorce of their own.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Why Date?
Why do we put ourselves through this ritual of dating? What is the goal to dating? ( Sex, Friendship, Socializing, Escape, Marriage, Etc) With all the pressure of life, why on earth is dating important?
James 4:14 “You do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.”
So often we try to shortcut life. Speed dating, online dating services, mail order marriages, One night stands, or no string relationship. Movies and television show people meeting, moving straight to the bedroom and sex. Hollywood relationships are falling apart in the media left and right because of infidelity. The world is putting a lot of effort into promoting following your feelings, being spontaneous, and living the “grand life”. What is so grand about your life if you are on the fast track and not experiencing it? What is life without happiness!
So why is dating important? Dating begins before marriage to get to know each other. Explore likes and dislikes to find friends that we are compatible with. Dating is often times informal and relaxed so that we can sincerely focus on each other. It may vary between time with one other person or sometimes a group. We spend time sorting through people and finding that one person we have significant interest in. Wahoo, we have made a choice. Now what? We start to focus our time with that one other person. We talk about everything from food, music, family and sex. This is the point in a relationship where we have to define boundaries. Physically, how far is too far? (Teens ask this all the time).
Side Note: Right now I would like to suggest setting that bar at a comfortable place for both of you. Sex is the final step in the marriage ceremony to shift a couple from two flesh to one. Emotionally and physically you are joined together. Save this precious moment together for after your wedding and you will have a far more fulfilling relationship.
This is the point we meet each others parents and start talking about life goals and desires. If everything seems to click we make the next move, Marriage! Beautiful ceremony or justice of the peace, it doesn’t matter. Now you are married and ready for a life of bliss, or are you? You have closed the deal and now you have your spouse. Why does dating matter now? Dates together after marriage are to further your commitment to each other. By devoting specific time to each other you do not allow work and other influences to distract or divide your relationship. This is a time set aside focusing on each other. Not just our normal end to each day. (Until, it is more natural I would suggest putting this time on each others schedule or to-do list.) Dates after being married keep us connected to each other. As we grow and mature this is a time to discuss both physical and emotional changes and explore what we need to keep our marriage alive and interesting. Dates do not need to be complicated, but distractions need to be limited. If the household is only the two of you then a special dessert at home may be just what is needed. If you live with a house full of kids, like us, you may need to be away from the house and kids or may need to choose a different time after the kids are in bed. Being married comes with needs. Have fun shopping at the market together choosing the meals for the next week. Maybe pick out something special that you look forward to on a designated time. After marriage you have to be much more creative with your dates to keep things interesting.
I didn’t learn some of this till after I was run over by a SUV in 2007. So if you have been married for awhile, but had not been setting time aside don't be disheartened. Life is short and my opportunity to do things with my wife and family was almost cut short. There are many things that have changed because I can no longer physically do them. I have learned though that the simple things can be even more special. It is a reminder that life is fragile and can be gone in an instant.
Let me challenge you to schedule time for each other and follow through. Nothing is more important in this world than each other!
James 4:14 “You do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.”
So often we try to shortcut life. Speed dating, online dating services, mail order marriages, One night stands, or no string relationship. Movies and television show people meeting, moving straight to the bedroom and sex. Hollywood relationships are falling apart in the media left and right because of infidelity. The world is putting a lot of effort into promoting following your feelings, being spontaneous, and living the “grand life”. What is so grand about your life if you are on the fast track and not experiencing it? What is life without happiness!
So why is dating important? Dating begins before marriage to get to know each other. Explore likes and dislikes to find friends that we are compatible with. Dating is often times informal and relaxed so that we can sincerely focus on each other. It may vary between time with one other person or sometimes a group. We spend time sorting through people and finding that one person we have significant interest in. Wahoo, we have made a choice. Now what? We start to focus our time with that one other person. We talk about everything from food, music, family and sex. This is the point in a relationship where we have to define boundaries. Physically, how far is too far? (Teens ask this all the time).
Side Note: Right now I would like to suggest setting that bar at a comfortable place for both of you. Sex is the final step in the marriage ceremony to shift a couple from two flesh to one. Emotionally and physically you are joined together. Save this precious moment together for after your wedding and you will have a far more fulfilling relationship.
This is the point we meet each others parents and start talking about life goals and desires. If everything seems to click we make the next move, Marriage! Beautiful ceremony or justice of the peace, it doesn’t matter. Now you are married and ready for a life of bliss, or are you? You have closed the deal and now you have your spouse. Why does dating matter now? Dates together after marriage are to further your commitment to each other. By devoting specific time to each other you do not allow work and other influences to distract or divide your relationship. This is a time set aside focusing on each other. Not just our normal end to each day. (Until, it is more natural I would suggest putting this time on each others schedule or to-do list.) Dates after being married keep us connected to each other. As we grow and mature this is a time to discuss both physical and emotional changes and explore what we need to keep our marriage alive and interesting. Dates do not need to be complicated, but distractions need to be limited. If the household is only the two of you then a special dessert at home may be just what is needed. If you live with a house full of kids, like us, you may need to be away from the house and kids or may need to choose a different time after the kids are in bed. Being married comes with needs. Have fun shopping at the market together choosing the meals for the next week. Maybe pick out something special that you look forward to on a designated time. After marriage you have to be much more creative with your dates to keep things interesting.
I didn’t learn some of this till after I was run over by a SUV in 2007. So if you have been married for awhile, but had not been setting time aside don't be disheartened. Life is short and my opportunity to do things with my wife and family was almost cut short. There are many things that have changed because I can no longer physically do them. I have learned though that the simple things can be even more special. It is a reminder that life is fragile and can be gone in an instant.
Let me challenge you to schedule time for each other and follow through. Nothing is more important in this world than each other!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Agree to Disagree
So I have to ask the question, does it matter anyway?
So many times we have silly arguments simply for the sake of the argument. The facts remain and they do not affect our marriage in reality, but we spend endless hours debating our side of an opinion. All that comes out of the debate is hurt feelings. So how does this build up our marriages. Sometimes we just need to just let it go.
Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it”.
Politics is a prime area that we may both be divided or simply the discussion of politics causes anxiety because we have no control of the outcome. We are each impressed by different issues and listen to different information we receive. We process the information differently and form our opinions. Politics is one of those areas that it really doesn’t matter when it comes to our marriages. Sure, there are policies that affect our life, but it doesn’t have a place in our relationship with each other. Political parties or policies are going to change, but it doesn’t define who we are or how we make decisions in life. Most policies are written and voted on without us even noticing.
It doesn’t mean never talk about things such as politics or topics that cause conflict. It is important to evaluate how it relates to our day to day. Is it worth sacrificing our marriage and relationship for something we have no control of anyway?
What then:
Let me dispute some crazy ideas that have been taken from the passage and how it relates. Wives, submitting does not mean walking around with your head low, not speaking unless spoken to, and running around as ordered. It is simply respecting your husband and being an active partner in your marriage. There are times you may not agree, but need to drop an issue simply to encourage a healthy marriage. Voice your opinion, but if your husband’s convictions are that important to him, allow him to hold onto those convictions. Respect his position and move forward. He has heard your opinion, it will perculate in his mind and down the road, as he has collected more information, he may come to embrace your opinion or he may not. Don’t be offended. He does love you and agreeing or disagreeing has nothing to do with his love for you.
Husbands are to Love our wives. This sounds pretty simple, but I will admit sometimes it is not. Consider the word Love. It can hold many meanings. That is why the example included in the passage is so important. It is letting go of ourselves even our life itself for our wives. It does not necessarily mean we need to physically die for our wives, but instead put aside ourselves (attitudes, comforts, opinions, schedules, etc.) for the support, encouragement, and protection of our wives. We need to be willing to protect both their physical body and their emotional body even at the expense of our own. How many times have we wounded or crushed our wives emotionally just to prove “We’re the man.” Yes, wives are told to submit to their husbands, but that doesn’t mean we are to lord over them with military force and authority. How is this loving your wife? We need to approach them with sensitivity of heart. Loving them means partnering together to manage the household and relationship. Loving is communicating together and ultimately taking responsibility for the household. We need to accept responsibility for everything that affects our household, good or bad. We also need to validate the opinion of our wives respecting their opinions and convictions. Showing love is treasuring what makes them who they are.
Last thought: Husbands, be wise in the topics you choose. Don’t just bring up topics because you want to hear yourself talk and prove how knowledgeable you are. Choose topics that are going to encourage your relationship and your wife. And wives, you know what riles us up. Do not poke those buttons to start a fight. Find ways to be creative in your marriage and vary your conversation.
So many times we have silly arguments simply for the sake of the argument. The facts remain and they do not affect our marriage in reality, but we spend endless hours debating our side of an opinion. All that comes out of the debate is hurt feelings. So how does this build up our marriages. Sometimes we just need to just let it go.
Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it”.
Politics is a prime area that we may both be divided or simply the discussion of politics causes anxiety because we have no control of the outcome. We are each impressed by different issues and listen to different information we receive. We process the information differently and form our opinions. Politics is one of those areas that it really doesn’t matter when it comes to our marriages. Sure, there are policies that affect our life, but it doesn’t have a place in our relationship with each other. Political parties or policies are going to change, but it doesn’t define who we are or how we make decisions in life. Most policies are written and voted on without us even noticing.
It doesn’t mean never talk about things such as politics or topics that cause conflict. It is important to evaluate how it relates to our day to day. Is it worth sacrificing our marriage and relationship for something we have no control of anyway?
What then:
Let me dispute some crazy ideas that have been taken from the passage and how it relates. Wives, submitting does not mean walking around with your head low, not speaking unless spoken to, and running around as ordered. It is simply respecting your husband and being an active partner in your marriage. There are times you may not agree, but need to drop an issue simply to encourage a healthy marriage. Voice your opinion, but if your husband’s convictions are that important to him, allow him to hold onto those convictions. Respect his position and move forward. He has heard your opinion, it will perculate in his mind and down the road, as he has collected more information, he may come to embrace your opinion or he may not. Don’t be offended. He does love you and agreeing or disagreeing has nothing to do with his love for you.
Husbands are to Love our wives. This sounds pretty simple, but I will admit sometimes it is not. Consider the word Love. It can hold many meanings. That is why the example included in the passage is so important. It is letting go of ourselves even our life itself for our wives. It does not necessarily mean we need to physically die for our wives, but instead put aside ourselves (attitudes, comforts, opinions, schedules, etc.) for the support, encouragement, and protection of our wives. We need to be willing to protect both their physical body and their emotional body even at the expense of our own. How many times have we wounded or crushed our wives emotionally just to prove “We’re the man.” Yes, wives are told to submit to their husbands, but that doesn’t mean we are to lord over them with military force and authority. How is this loving your wife? We need to approach them with sensitivity of heart. Loving them means partnering together to manage the household and relationship. Loving is communicating together and ultimately taking responsibility for the household. We need to accept responsibility for everything that affects our household, good or bad. We also need to validate the opinion of our wives respecting their opinions and convictions. Showing love is treasuring what makes them who they are.
Last thought: Husbands, be wise in the topics you choose. Don’t just bring up topics because you want to hear yourself talk and prove how knowledgeable you are. Choose topics that are going to encourage your relationship and your wife. And wives, you know what riles us up. Do not poke those buttons to start a fight. Find ways to be creative in your marriage and vary your conversation.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
You're on the Same Team
So many things I have read and heard talk about Him and Her as if they are on opposite sides or different teams. I want to address this issue first.
Genesis 2:24 says “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”.
When we are married we are on the same team. We are one unit moving through life. Decisions, Choices and circumstances don’t only affect just one of us, but rather both of us. I hear a lot of He doesn’t listen to me or she doesn’t care what I think. The truth is they both care, but aren’t sure how to clearly signal to the other.
Consider football. On one team there are many players. Each player is focusing on a call or code to signal the job they are required to do for the team. They may not remember what the other players are doing, but they know their job. Each player hears the same call and it means something completely different for each player. Other factors may also affect the way a player responds. Sometimes plays get completely messed up if a player couldn’t hear the call simply because of noise around or other distractions. In this same way we, husband and wives, hear different words and phrases that mean something specific to our job in our relationship. If we get those signals crossed, we end up going different directions and completely missing the needs of each other. Not that we didn’t hear or care, but just didn’t know how to respond based on the signal we received. So many marriages have fallen apart simply because they were running the other way and never got turned around.
So what now: Learn the signals. In football it takes lots of practice to work as a unit and become a winning team. It takes even more to win year after year. So in the same way we need to approach marriage. Practice! When we are newly married we’ve had a chance to get to know each other, but we may not understand what each signal means. It is important that we take the time to talk about everything. For a little while it is important that we give each other complete explanations until we learn the codes that replace long discussions. It is important that we do not shortcut the discussions, creating code words until we are both sure we are both talking about the same thing and expects the same reaction for that word. As we are married longer we do not need to explain everything all the time. But we all have to step back sometimes and talk things out again. When there are kids in the picture code words can be fun as well as essential to a healthy marriage. So practice codes before they are around if possible. Sometimes you may need to change up the calls if they get wise to you.
The games change, the teams change, and the observers change, but the two of you stay the same. Talk to each other!
Topics to discuss: Food (who is fixing it, likes and dislikes, etc), Chores (inside, outside, daily, weekly, who does what), Children (how many, discipline, when to have, education), Belief (what religious teaching/faith, authority, boundaries, etc), intimacy (talking, boundaries, likes/dislikes, sex, foreplay, birth-control, etc.) Family (parents, siblings, holiday schedules, boundaries).
There are so many things that need to be talked out, but this is a short list to get you started.
Genesis 2:24 says “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”.
When we are married we are on the same team. We are one unit moving through life. Decisions, Choices and circumstances don’t only affect just one of us, but rather both of us. I hear a lot of He doesn’t listen to me or she doesn’t care what I think. The truth is they both care, but aren’t sure how to clearly signal to the other.
Consider football. On one team there are many players. Each player is focusing on a call or code to signal the job they are required to do for the team. They may not remember what the other players are doing, but they know their job. Each player hears the same call and it means something completely different for each player. Other factors may also affect the way a player responds. Sometimes plays get completely messed up if a player couldn’t hear the call simply because of noise around or other distractions. In this same way we, husband and wives, hear different words and phrases that mean something specific to our job in our relationship. If we get those signals crossed, we end up going different directions and completely missing the needs of each other. Not that we didn’t hear or care, but just didn’t know how to respond based on the signal we received. So many marriages have fallen apart simply because they were running the other way and never got turned around.
So what now: Learn the signals. In football it takes lots of practice to work as a unit and become a winning team. It takes even more to win year after year. So in the same way we need to approach marriage. Practice! When we are newly married we’ve had a chance to get to know each other, but we may not understand what each signal means. It is important that we take the time to talk about everything. For a little while it is important that we give each other complete explanations until we learn the codes that replace long discussions. It is important that we do not shortcut the discussions, creating code words until we are both sure we are both talking about the same thing and expects the same reaction for that word. As we are married longer we do not need to explain everything all the time. But we all have to step back sometimes and talk things out again. When there are kids in the picture code words can be fun as well as essential to a healthy marriage. So practice codes before they are around if possible. Sometimes you may need to change up the calls if they get wise to you.
The games change, the teams change, and the observers change, but the two of you stay the same. Talk to each other!
Topics to discuss: Food (who is fixing it, likes and dislikes, etc), Chores (inside, outside, daily, weekly, who does what), Children (how many, discipline, when to have, education), Belief (what religious teaching/faith, authority, boundaries, etc), intimacy (talking, boundaries, likes/dislikes, sex, foreplay, birth-control, etc.) Family (parents, siblings, holiday schedules, boundaries).
There are so many things that need to be talked out, but this is a short list to get you started.
Introduction To Marriage Blog
Some may be offended by my thoughts and opinions, but it is a foundation that you can build from. With over 20 years married to only one person I have some thoughts about how to make your marriage work. I am also open to questions that I will answer to the best of my ability, but understand, this is my opinion and you do not have to agree. I will clearly explain my foundation for building my marriage as well as good advise I have received over the years. I will also include thoughts from my wife as well so that there is a well rounded scope of information.
My desire is to strengthen marriages. Marriage is precious and we have to do everything we can to support each other.
My desire is to strengthen marriages. Marriage is precious and we have to do everything we can to support each other.
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