What is it about adults and games? Graduation, wedding showers, bachelor parties, engagement parties, and baby showers. It seems like when there is a significant life changing event we are expected to throw a party. So what is it about the party that helps prepare us for the next event? Nothing really. It is a time for our friends to gather around us giving us a happy send-off to that next adventure in our lives together.
Psalm 127:3 “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth”.
Children are a huge adjustment to a marriage. No longer is it just the two of you. With a child there are many other considerations. So while planning and preparing it is a good time to talk about these adjustments. First of all, are both of you wanting children and how many? It is okay if you decide you do not want children. No pressure here. Whatever you decide, as long as you both agree in the decision. If your relationship is struggling, children will not make it all the better. Children add pressure and stress to schedules and relationships if you are not together in the decision.
So what do you need to talk about? First of all figure out if you both want children. Talk about what the ideal situation would be. What is the ideal number of kids and why? Be as specific about dreams as possible. So now you’ve discussed children and have decided you want them. (Note: If the ideal does not happen, do not be disappointed. Children are a blessing from God, a treasure no matter the situation. Treat them as a blessing, not an inconvenience. The ideal is simply a place to start. Not a mandatory schedule.) Now how are you going to work with career plans? Understand when they are newborn you will not get much sleep. How much time will you take off? Are parents going to help when they are first born? How much can the husband help? If you are breastfeeding it will limit what the husband can do to help. Talk about the impact.
Raising children can be a challenge as well. You have both come from different family dynamics. This is a good time to talk about things like discipline. Children need structure and boundaries as they grow up. How are you going to establish those boundaries and enforce them when they cross that line? Do you believe in spanking, time outs, etc? Parenting requires involvement from both parents. How are you going to share the responsibility and keep communication clear between the both of you? Children are quick, so it is important to have a game plan. Keep communication open and support each other’s decisions. How are you going to pick your battles? What things are okay for freedom of individual expression and what things are household rules? And do not forget general “Safety Rules” which by nature are in a class by themselves.
Finally, what if you are not able to conceive children? I have talked to a few couples struggling with the stigma of infertility. The process of infertility treatment is invasive and brutal and not guaranteed to work. Do not let the pressure of children damage a healthy relationship. This is one area that you need to be sincere and honest. Put a plan together of how much and how long you are both willing to go through with treatments. If it does not work are you willing to look at adoption? What specifics would you need if you were to adopt? Talk about the emotions related to the idea of not being able to have your own natural children. Both of you, men and women have strong feelings on this topic, as well as other members of the family. Do not be afraid to explore here.
Children are an amazing part of my life. They have challenged me, and filled a different part of our life. Now they are old enough that we talk through just about everything. They were there to support my wife when I was down. In many ways they completed our family. They filled our household with love and a future heritage. We have an opportunity to shape a next generation of husbands to be caring, strong and sincere. I believe we have raised them in a way that they will have the tools to succeed.
Children are your heritage. What heritage do you want to show the world?
2 comments:
And the big surprise is that what we think about kids and what we want out of life can do a 180 after the kids come along. I'm a much more humbler person after becoming a parent!
Thank you Debbie for leaving your comment. There are so many lessons we can gain from our children.
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