Who's Job Is It

Companies spend a lot of time preparing and editing job descriptions. Each employee is given specific expectations as well as earmarks to measure their level of performance. Usually annually the employee will undergo a review to discuss their performance and expectations. Each year they push to improve their score for money, time, or other compensation. Most important though is that they do well and have a job for the next year.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.”

There are necessary jobs in a household to keep things going as well. You drive hard to maintain your job which may be gone tomorrow. How much harder should you work for the marriage that is forever? How you divide the work at home can have a long lasting impact on your life together. Talk to each other and clearly define expectations. I have heard a lot of conflict around the division of housework. Separating duties by men’s work and women’s work can cause even more conflict. Beware of stereo-types to define roles of the household. Instead, work together to share the work all around. You will each have skills, likes and dislikes. Some things you may both dislike, but if you separate those tasks between the two of you it will go much easier. Do not just ignore the tasks that you dislike.

If you take the time to find a schedule or rhythm then your household will run smoothly. I would suggest finding things you can do together to ease the load. Cooking for instance can be not only accomplished easier, but offer a fun time. Chores can be part of your foreplay as you find creative ways to play together while getting things accomplished. Your best times can be accomplished when you get away from your traditional daily schedule and find ways to relax together.

If the household is in order then it is easier to focus on each other. Many husbands may not be so impacted by a house out of order, but if you want the full attention of your wife work to put things right. Wives will be distracted if there are things that need to be done. Understand they function where all parts of their brain run together. Because of this they will be divided by the many things in their life. If you want them to focus on you it is important to eliminate as many outside distractions as possible.

Sunny Day but Clouds on the Way

So I was listening to the news this morning and if you know anything about Oregon we have an incredible variety of weather. We can have sunshine one minute and hail the next without too much effort. When the sun is out people race out to soak up a little joy, but when the clouds start rolling in we race home to layer up.

Psalm 18:2 “ The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold”.

Marriage is so much like days in Oregon. We can be having the time of our life and all of a sudden struggles come up. Newly married couples are at a height of blissful emotion that may help them steer through the first few conflicts, but at some time we all have to deal with things. This does not mean that struggles are bad, but we may have to change a little for the situation. First look at ourselves. What is it that is affecting us? Is it something we are willing to change or is it something that shapes who we are. Second is our spouse. Is it something that has changed or is it part of which they have been all along? Third is the situation. What has happened? We were going along soaking up the sun and now we are racing home to prepare for the cold. Situations arise to strengthen our relationship together just like a storm brings water to support the spring and summer flowers, trees and fields. The question is preparation. Have you gathered the tools so that you are prepared when things happen?

You need to have your tools ready. The first tool you need is resolve. Are you resolute in your commitment to each other? Ready to stand by each other through all events? Without resolve you have no way to hold things together. It is your anchor point. The second tool you need is Love. You need enduring true love that will help you navigate the storm. The third thing you need is communication. Have you developed a way to open and maintain communication in your marriage? It is important that you talk and practice using the tools of communication when things are good. By being prepared with communication skills, it will help you work through the storm together. The final thing I would suggest you need is a network. Do you have a team of friends and family that will honestly answer your questions and help encourage your marriage? Your network can build up or break down your marriage depending on who you gather around you. It is critical that you know their position in your relationship before you weather the storms that arise in life.

Learn to love the storm as much as the sunshine, because life is so much fuller with both. Draw closer to each other. Find rest and energy in the sunshine. Take joy in weathering the storm together. Encourage others and be aware that those around you are watching the model you show in your marriage.

Be a positive example to others.

So You Want the Fairy Tale Marriage

You dream of the hero, strong and gallant whisking you off your feet or the princess that dotes on your every thought, swoons at your every action, and is admired by everyone. You have aspirations of the perfect wedding and the happily ever after. So the question is what does it take to have that fairy tale?

Ecclesiastes 3:12,13 “I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil- this is God’s gift to man”.

Look at the elements of the fairy tale. The beginning offers character development where you find out about the parties as children. You see one of two beginnings; the spoiled child with the frustrated parents or tragedy that causes the child to be raised by strangers. In both cases they are thrown into some sort of struggle of endurance, patience, and survival. The child grows to gain character and honor as an adult. Now the proof of love enters the story. Overcoming all types of physical challenge and emotional hardship they are brought together. Man and woman now battling together against the darkest powers they can imagine. It is only through completing the battle and overcoming the obstacles that they get to ride off, finding that ending of happily ever after.

So many times, I see couples trying to leap straight to the happily ever after, but forgetting the journey. At the first sign that their happily ever after is not going to happen they throw their marriage away. Real life, just like a fairy tale has stages and growth, destinations and journeys. In truth it is a series of adventures. It is through struggle and hardship that we gain appreciation for our mate. Only when we overcome what is standing in the way of our happiness do we get the chance to understand true happy bliss. In reality though the story doesn’t end there, but continues. We have new enemies to overcome and personal growth we need to embrace. After these moments we come together again, not only enjoying one moment of bliss, but are blessed with many cycles of pure joy and happiness. Without cycles life would be mundane and worthless. Remember…joy is a series of happy moments acknowledged and glued together.

There are those that seek “their” happily ever after based on the surface. Beauty and success are far more than looks and popularity. You need to define in yourself what you need and then what you need in a spouse. When you look deeper into others you may find that the one not so obvious choice is actually the better match for you.

Understand a fairy tale marriage takes work and dedication. Both of you have to strive to overcome that dark force that battles to take not only your joy, but life itself. You also need to be aware of those influences around you. Evaluate them to be sure whether they are friend or foe. Be prepared to fight with every inch of your life to protect each other from not only physical attacks, but also the unseen adversaries. If you are prepared and committed to each other, when you overcome those struggles in your lives you will experience those happily ever after moments.

Encouragement Verses Strengthening

Consider a weight lifter. In order to build up strength he will repeat the same work out over and over for several days slowly increasing the weight. To increase strength they must go beyond what is a comfortable routine and diligently repeat the exercise. Athletes who are serious about their goal will accept the demands and accountability of a qualified coach. A dedicated support person to help push them through the tough points in order for them to develop and grow stronger, while at the same time making sure they strive for their goal safely.

Romans 5:3-4 “More than that, we rejoice in our suffering, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope…”

I am writing this blog to not only encourage the marriage relationship, but to strengthen it. There is a big difference between these two processes. To encourage a marriage is to simply listen and tell them to keep trying. To strengthen marriage requires you to listen, asses the current situation and then give tools to build the marriage further. There are many people out there who will offer you words of encouragement, telling you to accept your lot in life. Friends may even tell you that you are shackled to your mate or situation because you made the decision to marry them. Encouragement is the simple pat on the back and the room to let you release some of the emotion that has built up. By simply offering encouragement we leave couples in a state of sorrow and frustration.

This blog is to strengthen marriages. Not simply something to read, but to take action in your own life. For a marriage to grow and become stronger takes activity. I hear of so many unhappy relationships where they stay together because that is what the Bible says, but miss the real joy because they are stuck in a cycle. The honeymoon is over and it is all about practical things. They have a roof over their head, food on the table and clothes on their back so they feel they have nothing more they can do. This thinking is all wrong. The Bible offers far more direction for our marriages than that. You need to be constantly developing and building your relationship. Not in a sense of physical strength, but emotional strength and dedication. You have to be active in your marriage and work at it in order for it to grow and become better. The wife that struggles with jealousy or the husband that doesn’t want to go home are signs of an unhealthy marriage. The marriage that is filled with arguments or quiet seclusion shows signs of a suffering marriage. Your marriage cannot always be in a state of tribulation unless you are not willing to accept the joy, growth, and hope that come after that struggle. You need to do the work, embrace the lessons, but accept the joy out of it as well. God has given the example of joy and love throughout His word. A simple example can be found throughout the Song of Solomon. Read it together.

When my wife and I got married, a family friend offered us a simple word of direction for our marriage as we were leaving the church. My wife wrote them down and I want to share them now.

“Water Your Garden”

Your marriage is like a garden. There are seasons of
change, beautiful flowers, weeds and thorns. It needs
water, food, protection, faith, and nurturing to grow.

In a marriage, each person is a garden, and it is the
responsibility of the spouse to water that garden, tend
it and even weed it when necessary. If a husband and
a wife tend each other’s garden faithfully, both will
grow. When we focus on our own garden, weeds will
grow and the relationship will be like an untended
garden, overgrown and sad.

In all gardens, there is a time to sow and a time to harvest.
Some of the most beautiful flowers have thorns, and the
fruit and blooms sprout from unexpected places.

So…remember…Water your garden.

So as I write the daily entries to this blog there is more than simply reading that goes along with it. You need to do the work. Take care of each other and build a stronger joy filled marriage. Push each other through the tough times and embrace each other in the joy of success. The prize is worth the pain if you are willing to go the extra mile.

Are You Committed?

The world has become unstable with the latest financial crisis. Jobs are disappearing left and right as more pressure is put on small business. The media is reporting that marriages are failing at an increased rate during this crisis. The government is coming up with plans to help those in financial struggle, bailing out banks, businesses and home owners, but no one is scrambling to save the families.

Revelation 2:4 “But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first”.

I am astounded by the attitude regarding marriage as I talk to different people. Young college couples are telling me how they have been encouraged to just live together. Marriage is not really necessary till you are older and need the tax write off’s. I also had one couple tell me that they were told marriage is a political position of the conservative right. One couple explained that they were trying each other on for size before they got married. All of the college age couples I talked to at the time, had no real idea why marriage even mattered. They figured if no one expects them to stay together anyway, then why go through the hassle.

I am here to tell you that marriage is important and not a political position. Marriage is a commitment to one other person that you promise to be with for the rest of your life. Marriage is not the paper you receive from the government. It is the covenant you make with God and that other person. Marriage can only be honorable if it is in line with the Bible and the law of the land. You cannot pick and choose what works for you. This is a structure since the beginning of time.
Seriously think before you are married. Are you prepared to commit the rest of your life with that man or woman you are thinking about? Have you talked with them and are they ready to commit that same promise to you? Is your relationship honorable to God? Being this relationship is a covenant with God as well as each other you need to be sure. Seek wise counsel in your relationship. It is important that you understand that politics and government philosophy has nothing to do with your marriage. Do not give them the power to dictate something that is contrary to the word of God. Divorce is not an option so be sure of your relationship before you make that commitment.

There is nothing wrong with being a virgin before you get marriage. Do not be fooled with the concept that you have to be compatible sexually before you can be sure they are the right person. This is another false concept. If you are invested and committed the sex will be fine and become better with time. In this area, not having the ability to compare really keeps life simple and eliminates an unnecessary conflict.

For those that are married, find the joy in your marriage. Be committed to your marriage. Put God in your marriage and find the joy. With this covenant you are able to tap into pure love that can make your relationship whole if you let Him. There will be times of struggle and lows in life, but it holds no bearing on the marriage you have committed to. Look past life to the person you promised your life to and value the time together.

Technology, Friend or Foe?

My wife and I had an issue with technology the other day. She emailed me a note asking me to do something. I couldn’t do it at the time, so I wrote back to remind me later. I was anxious about a meeting and was getting prepared at the time. I received an email exactly the same as the first, so I wrote back telling her not to be smart, I was already quite anxious. I had assumed that she was messing with me. She wrote back she wasn’t being smart. I responded just laying out the pressure I was feeling. The next day we were talking about it and realized there was a glitch in the email system and when she went to close out her browser it resent the initial email. She had been stewing all night because I had not apologized for accusing her of messing with me.

Ephesians 5:15 “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise”.

Technology has been promoted as a tool to ease our complicated lives. The truth is if we are not careful it can complicate it even more. Text, Email, voicemail, social media’s and instant messaging are all tools to share information quickly. We may focus on communicating with one person or a whole group. The problem is, “What is the message that is coming across? “ As in my example, because the dialog was electronic without other feedback, assumptions were made. Something so simple caused hurt to the both of us. I am not suggesting that you throw out all sources of technology, but not to let it replace face to face conversations where possible.

Consider this: I have watched teens sitting next to each other, text back and forth because they were more comfortable typing their conversation than to actually talk it out. We are watching a generation loose the art of verbal communication. They are missing the understanding that body language is as much a part of a conversation as the words that are offered.

There are so many additional things to be careful of when using technology to communicate on both sides. Because large parts of conversation have been removed I would suggest; be slow to react or take offense. There may be more to a message than what was sent. It may become more obvious with time. There are some conversations that just can’t be done without face to face communication. Choose your words wisely. Be careful what you share using technology. With all the social media’s out there you can get caught up sharing all parts of your lives and the lives of your friends and family. Consider what you are posting. Is it something you might find funny, but could hurt someone else. Some information just doesn’t need to be put out for the world to know. Things that are posted in public are impossible to remove. Friendships are often ruined by something written and shared even though it was not meant to cause harm.

Messages left on a voicemail even though it is the voice of the person may also be missing some of the details necessary to understand the whole message. Even though there is voice inflection and more content, it is still not the whole message. Take it the same as if it were an email. Consider the words, but be slow to react until you can gather enough information to be sure you have all the details of the message. Do not be afraid to ask questions in order to clarify the meaning. More understanding means better judgment in decisions.

Technology does not replace time together. Turn off the cell phone, television, and computer every so often and focus on each other.

It's in The Details

I watched my kids run through the house Easter morning. They were trying to make sense of the clues their mom left for them. It was fun to watch, but I found it interesting how difficult it was for them to figure out the details.

Philippians 2:4 “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others”.

Now that you are married you receive all kinds of special offers in the mail. Most advertising sells the concept that success is measured by the amount of possessions you hold. Sales men and women encourage you to run everything on credit. In order to own, you finance house, cars and other toys. We are all lured in by advertisements featuring low interest rates and the concept of free money. Money can play a big part in the disagreements married couples have with each other. Arguments are often fueled by the stress of trying to keep up with the burden of debt.

Consider the details when you hear of a great opportunity. You are married and have greater buying power as a couple. When you are young the “what-if’s” are the farthest from your mind. Changes in life will happen. It is when these changes occur in life that you become buried in debt and have no way to deal with it. Before you take on loans and credit cards plan for the future. Not only the good times, but also plan for the unexpected. A baby is a gift from God, but can be a crisis if you are not prepared. Increased expenses can rob you of your joy if you have not prepared for future events. Injury or illness can also create additional stress on a relationship.

I would suggest avoiding debt. Rather than buying to the maximum of your income, look at the details. Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst financial situation. With preparation your family will only have to deal with the stress of changes and events and not the additional burden of money problems. Talk to your parents or those you know who are good savers. As a couple set a goal plan that includes short term and long term desires and planning. Include a “what-if” plan if things don’t go the way you hope. Talking about the good and potential bad will help lessen the stress if the unthinkable occurs because you will have a game plan to go back to.


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What's in Your Tool Box?

It seems every project needs a tool of some sort to get it done. I think my favorite is a cordless drill and a whisk tip from a mixer to make fresh whipping cream or meringue. Necessity is the mother of invention or adaptation. As you go through life you will find many areas you need to adapt. The question is; what tools do you have to utilize?

Galatians 6:2 “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the Law of Christ”.

Yesterday, I wrote about talking through conflict, but realized I did not give you the tools to do this well. Because it is important I want to load your tool box with a start to help you. Even before you were married you received some guidance regarding marriage. By watching your parents and grandparents you may have started to fill you box. If you were blessed with open parents that discussed everything with you, then you have even more to draw from. The reality is most of us don’t even think to collect tools until we have a problem come up.

The tooth paste tube is such a great example to build from. Growing up we all are encouraged to brush our teeth. Some families share 1 tube and others each have their own tube. Why would this matter? Simply because depending on how many people are using it will shape how tolerant you are to how it is squeezed. Now you are married and the dynamics have changed. If you are an “A” type, you may squeeze from the bottom and it drives you CRAZY when your spouse squeezes in the middle. You fly off the handle and yell at your spouse because they should know you always squeeze from the bottom or you stew and just let it fester, slowly eating away at your joy. This is where tools come in. First of all how did your parents deal with conflict? This will be the first way you will handle this problem.

I encourage you to consider carefully how you talk. What is your tone and verbal word choice? It is better to talk everything through than to harbor that frustration. So how do you start out the conversation? Did you open by blaming or yelling? (You are…) Did you demean them by talking as if they are stupid? (Everybody knows…) Did you use name calling or profanity? (I think you can figure this one out).

Instead of being reactionary, first consider that you are joining two different people and it is going to take a little time to adjust to this new experience. Approach your spouse and discuss it. Maybe like this; honey, my mom used to use my toothpaste and she would squeeze it from the middle. This just really drives me crazy. Could you try and squeeze it from the bottom? Or simply express, I didn’t realize how sensitive I am, but it really drives me up the walls when someone squeezes the toothpaste from the bottom. Could you try to squeeze the tube from the bottom? Understand if you are asking your spouse to change it may take some time or it may be something they are very passionate about how they do it. Be open and understanding. They are not doing something simply to rile you up. They have 18 plus years to learn a behavior and it is impossible to change in an instant.

You may need to come up with a compromise. Things may not be so simple that they can be changed. I know in my household I follow up after everyone else uses the toothpaste and push it back to the top. Since I am the only one this bothers I take care of managing it. Compromise requires a little creativity and tolerance, but it doesn’t take the joy of your marriage away. Habits and processes will be different.

In some cases, you will begin to behave more as one unit doing things similar as time goes by. This is a process, not an overnight change. Other things will always be different, because this is what makes each of you unique. Embrace those differences as well. If you do not talk about it though, you open up opportunities for your relationship to be destroyed.

Honeymoon Bliss or Is It?

You have made it through the stress and excitement of the wedding and now you are headed to an exotic escape or local adventure. So much anticipation fills your moments as you travel. Are you ready?

Song of Solomon 6:3a “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine;”

I remember the anticipation as we raced out of the church. We were so excited to start our life together. When we arrived at our destination, we laughed and enjoyed the moment until the excitement was replaced with overwhelming exhaustion and we both crashed. After we took some time to rest and relax things were so much better. We were not prepared for the feelings and everything that surrounded the time after the wedding. Let me encourage you to be patient with each other and find time to rest. Things are so much better if you have had time to process all that has happened the last few days prior as well as earlier that day.

Now you are on your honeymoon and get to enjoy your time together with no other focus but each other. You have given up independence to be together and many things are going to change. If you have not had time before, this is the time to talk about everything. I’ve heard several new couples comment how horrible their honeymoon was. I research what caused such a horrible experience and found several fascinating details. The number one issue was the shower or bathroom etiquette. Things like he used all the hot water, she squeezes the toothpaste from the middle, She streaked the mirror, and she used my razor. These all may seem silly, but arguments are started over less. What really made it horrible was that they expected a state of perfection, because they didn’t want to ruin it they harbored the frustrations and didn’t say anything. The location may have been incredible, the setting perfect, but because of the little things their relationship started broken.

So what now: Talk to friends, pastor, etc and plan your honeymoon so you have time to learn about each other. Relax! If there are things that frustrate you while on your honeymoon, talk about it. By talking about it you are not going to ruin your time together, but may find it even better. Brain-storm ideas, figure out how to fix the problem and respect the needs of each other. If hot water is an issue, maybe take a shower together. If the razor is the issue, get two razors. The important thing is to talk issues through. By not saying anything many frustrations will not only take the joy away from your honeymoon, but may create conflicts that tear down your marriage if you let it. There are things that each of you do as individuals that you may never have thought about. When you are now a couple habits become evident, but this is the same person you fell in love with before. Now that you are a couple the things you do are going to be exaggerated in your mind. Do not be offended by what your spouse does. Talk about it when you are newly married. Build skills so that you can be open to one another. Work together as you have children. Smile and laugh together. Re-invent your marriage every so often. By opening these conversations up early, you will be that old married couple that everyone is shocked to hear how long you have been married.

Keep that love and appreciation fresh! You don’t have to be the “typical” old married couple.

Lion or Gazelle

The lion quietly approaches in the grass. The gazelle laps water from the nearby water hole. Unaware of the danger approaching, it raises its head to smell the air. Nothing alerts the gazelle of the doom that approaches. The grass explodes and fear catches the gazelle. Before it can even think it is trapped by the lion. How many marriages have been lost because of being unaware?

Proverbs 4:6 “Do not forsake her, and she will keep you; love her and she will guard you”.

Understand there are predators to your marriage. Those that would like to see your marriage fail or just desire to see you fall. Movies and television have cheapened the precious gift marriage is. Because of this attitude there are many that are unhappy. They watch to see those with the appearance of happiness and success and try to claim it for their own. Not only do they not find happiness here, but they destroy the happiness of that couple as well. Fight for your marriage and protect each other from those predators.

My wife calls it, “the cave man approach”. She is prepared to beat that predatory woman and drag me away. Chivalry was men fighting for the honor and appreciation of a woman in hopes of gaining favor and ultimately a wife. That honor was protected proudly even after they were married. I believe even today we like when are spouse is willing to fight for us. Not out of jealousy, but sincere value for their spouse and their relationship together.

Husbands, if your wife feels a woman is seeking your attention and wants you to avoid them. Honor that request. Women respond to emotions and will feel the conflict occur well before we may be aware there is a problem. Avoid situations that can put you in compromising positions and damage your marriage. Be there to protect your wife physically and emotionally. Do not allow men, especially friends, to treat them like a piece of meat. That man or friend may need to be physically removed from her presence and you should cut your relationship with them. Your wife is your most special piece of your life, treasure them.

Wives, it is okay to get your hackles up and defend your positions with your husband. There are women out there that would like to have the joy you appear to have. You may need to defend your ground and make your husband aware of the hazard. We like it when our wives are willing to fight for us as well. There is a sense of pride when we are valued enough that are wives are willing to fight for us. In the same way as husbands I would also encourage wives to avoid compromising situations.

Marriage has to be protected and in this day and age many would like to destroy it. Others try to modify the structure of marriage between one man and one woman so that they might be able to experience that same happiness. Reality is if a relationship is corrupt or perverse it will never find happiness. Don’t let them take the joy and pride of the marriage you have been blessed with away.

Fight for your marriage and the precious gift it offers you.