Bored with Your Life, Not Your Wife

How many times have you heard a child come to their parents saying, “I’m Bored”? You look in their room and it’s brimming with toys. They own the newest game system, cell phone, and high tech computer. There is stimulation for their mind, physical body, and optic nerves and yet they are still not satisfied. How on earth can they be bored?

Philippians 2:14,15 “Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God, without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world”.

Bored is a developed misconception. I know many couples that talk about being bored in their relationship. They believe, like that child, they need and deserve something or someone more. Being overindulged as a child only validated this behavior and emotion. So how do we get to this point?

First of all we need to consider the emotion involved. It is not that we have really become bored, but have no other way of describing the emotion we are feeling. Stop for a minute to consider what is going on. Every whim or desire is right in front of us. We know what to expect mechanically. What is it we are looking for? We want connection. For some reason we feel we are not connecting and so we look for a way to stimulate that relationship. Rather than identifying the real problem we find a way to illicit a reaction. Quick solutions never solve the missing need. Just like a child with the room full of toys doesn’t need another toy.

Identify what it is that is missing. What is it about your relationship that has changed or is not satisfying anymore? Some things can be identified and simply resolved. When we are focused on one thing and drive to accomplish it, such as a career, we can let other parts of our life slide. We might have stopped talking, touching, laughing, smiling, or any other of many different behaviors that stimulated our marriage. The need that comes out as bored is simply finding what has been lost in our marriage. We may need to address additional stress or other outside influences.

What was the core of the marriage that brought two people together? Just like when dating before married, there are emotions and behaviors that reinforced the connection. In the case of the child, they were not bored, but needed your attention and interaction. A new game or distraction temporarily relieved the need, but the need was there and still not satisfied. How many marriages break up because they didn’t figure out what they had left out, but still have a great friendship? If they had simply figured out what was missing in the relationship they could still be together, happily married. Not every case will fit this model. Just like not every person is the same. However, if the feeling comes up that you label as boredom, take a step back and figure out what you really need. It is not that you are bored with each other. There is something you both need. It is important to work together to figure it out. Be understanding.

Your marriage is worth the effort.

Avoidence is Going Nowhere

My son has a battery powered car that steers and adjusts all by itself. It zooms across the room until it runs into something. When it encounters something in its way it backs up, turns and goes another direction. It begins to do tighter and tighter circles as it tries to avoid the things put in its way, not really getting anywhere.

Proverbs 12:25 “Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad”.

We can be caught going in circles just like the car. Spinning and adjusting never really getting anywhere. A relationship that avoids conflict and hard decisions never truly grows. What are the words that might be used for avoiding conflict or even decisions? How many times have you thrown out words like whatever or maybe? Rather than giving a definite answer you preface your answers with “if I can” or “I’ll try”? If the request is a little more direct do you give yourself wiggle room with “we’ll see” or “I guess so”? Do you preface every comment with a “but” or other exception?

By running in verbal circles we manipulate our spouses into a position of frustration. They verbally spar with us until they just can’t take it anymore and give up. Feeling victorious we walk away. Then we realize the hurt we have caused. Something that could be simply resolved with a calm conversation ends up open ended. How many times has an argument ensued out of frustration? We never discuss the real issue because we are caught in the circle seeking our own selfish desires.

What do we really gain by running these circles? I have seen marriages where husbands and wives no longer talk to each other. Neither of them is happy, but because they don’t feel that there is anything to be accomplished talking they just stop. This marriage is nothing more than an immature shell. They stay together out of principle or responsibility. I have watched couples that can no longer calmly talk to each other. Every discussion is loud and heated. These couples share with friends, pastors and counselors how unhappy they are. They are focused on the things they have lost or believe they are sacrificing for the marriage. They are so focused on themselves and how miserable they are that they miss the fact; they are causing their own misery. There are those marriages that operate in a state of servitude thinking they are meeting the needs of their spouse, never voicing their own feelings. The spouse is frustrated because they can’t offer what they don’t know. The list of dysfunctional couples behaviors can go on and on, but the fact of the matter is they all need one simple thing. Clear communication!

So why do we get trapped in the circle of avoidance? It may be something simple as embarrassment. It can be physical or emotional problems or limitations, so we feel we can not accomplish something so rather than discussing it, we throw up distractions. We may be financially strapped, so we discourage even the dream to relieve the pressure or stress of the situation. There is also the possibility that the verbal sparring is hiding significant issues. Work frustration, loss of job or other emotional crisis may create a situation that you feel you need to hide. Honesty is critical in a marriage to adjust and deal with any problem that arises. Avoid using distractions or phrases to manipulate the moment. It is important you work together to find solutions to meet the needs and desires of each other. By discussing feelings, circumstances, and desires you both have the ability to be proactive in finding solutions.

Who's Job Is It

Companies spend a lot of time preparing and editing job descriptions. Each employee is given specific expectations as well as earmarks to measure their level of performance. Usually annually the employee will undergo a review to discuss their performance and expectations. Each year they push to improve their score for money, time, or other compensation. Most important though is that they do well and have a job for the next year.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.”

There are necessary jobs in a household to keep things going as well. You drive hard to maintain your job which may be gone tomorrow. How much harder should you work for the marriage that is forever? How you divide the work at home can have a long lasting impact on your life together. Talk to each other and clearly define expectations. I have heard a lot of conflict around the division of housework. Separating duties by men’s work and women’s work can cause even more conflict. Beware of stereo-types to define roles of the household. Instead, work together to share the work all around. You will each have skills, likes and dislikes. Some things you may both dislike, but if you separate those tasks between the two of you it will go much easier. Do not just ignore the tasks that you dislike.

If you take the time to find a schedule or rhythm then your household will run smoothly. I would suggest finding things you can do together to ease the load. Cooking for instance can be not only accomplished easier, but offer a fun time. Chores can be part of your foreplay as you find creative ways to play together while getting things accomplished. Your best times can be accomplished when you get away from your traditional daily schedule and find ways to relax together.

If the household is in order then it is easier to focus on each other. Many husbands may not be so impacted by a house out of order, but if you want the full attention of your wife work to put things right. Wives will be distracted if there are things that need to be done. Understand they function where all parts of their brain run together. Because of this they will be divided by the many things in their life. If you want them to focus on you it is important to eliminate as many outside distractions as possible.