Re-Evaluate Marriage Needs and Goals...

Several years ago we let my older boys get some video games, that after seeing them, we decided our youngest son didn’t need to play them. It’s been several years since that decision was made. Now that his friends are playing similar games he would like to play them also. He has asked if we would relook at the games and see if we could let him play them with his older brothers. We realized we need to honor this request. Not that we will change our stance. He simply has a desire that we look at the game now that he is older.


I Peter 2:16 “Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God.”

Marriages go through changes as well. You each grow older, needs change, and the desires of your heart shift. Every so often you need to take time to re-evaluate things in your life. Some things will be tangible changes other things will be emotion based. If you have plans and goals written down this helps the process along.

Start with tangible changes that you both can grasp. Many times we have accomplished the goals we originally set, but don’t realize we surpassed those earmarks. Taking the time does not mean you have to change the direction you are going, but to make sure it is still what both of you want. Life events may change priorities and it may be as simple as the duration of time for a specific goal. Moving things sooner or later based on events and changes in family. A child born or parent dying can really alter priorities in our own lives. Look at the goals you have written down. Acknowledge when you see you have accomplished some plans and consider all things listed that are still unattained. Have your goals changed in some way or do you have different needs? These are the things you can put your finger on and measure. Make sure that these goals are attainable and not dreams that are so far reaching they will be a constant source of frustration. By setting goals together that list individual needs, needs as a couple, and family needs you are aware and help each other accomplish them.

The area that is most difficult to measure and monitor is the emotional changes you both go through. As you age and mature your needs will also change. Emotional needs are harder to measure so communication is critical. Be honest with each other. This is not a time to be sensitive, but listen to each other. Are you meeting each other’s needs?

Time:
Consider the time you spend together and apart. Is this enough or do you need something to change. Are there other time needs you need facilitated for each other? (Church, friends, family) Discuss how to best serve those needs.

Touch:
Touch is an area that can be significant. How much contact and type of contact you need from each other can be an area never discussed. Because you never talk about it, the problem is addressed after you are no longer willing to discuss it.

Sex:
This is a time to talk about sex. Are you satisfying each other? What foreplay do you both need and want? Has your wife reached an orgasm or does she have no idea what an orgasm feels like? Has she had children? Things may be different after the trauma of childbirth and you will need to explore this as well. Many times we gain new aches and pains that take the pleasure away. Rather than simply tolerating the pain, talk about it. Your spouse may be tolerating the pain as well trying to satisfy you.

Communication:
Communication can change as well. Figure out what location best suits your communication together. As your family grows it may be harder to find somewhere private that you can relax and talk. Some things will change in how you show your love for each other. I know over time some of the cute little poems and notes were harder to think of. Not that my love for my spouse was any less, but they just didn’t flow as freely and were frustrating. If you were doing anything like this, talk about it. Don’t just simply stop doing it.

How many times are you discouraged or disappointed when you lose something? This change can cause conflict if you don’t take the time to talk about the disappointment. Cry together, laugh together and enjoy each other as you talk about how your body and mind are getting older. Most of all accept the importance of recognizing each other’s changes, needs and desires.

Encouragement Verses Strengthening

Consider a weight lifter. In order to build up strength he will repeat the same work out over and over for several days slowly increasing the weight. To increase strength they must go beyond what is a comfortable routine and diligently repeat the exercise. Athletes who are serious about their goal will accept the demands and accountability of a qualified coach. A dedicated support person to help push them through the tough points in order for them to develop and grow stronger, while at the same time making sure they strive for their goal safely.

Romans 5:3-4 “More than that, we rejoice in our suffering, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope…”

I am writing this blog to not only encourage the marriage relationship, but to strengthen it. There is a big difference between these two processes. To encourage a marriage is to simply listen and tell them to keep trying. To strengthen marriage requires you to listen, asses the current situation and then give tools to build the marriage further. There are many people out there who will offer you words of encouragement, telling you to accept your lot in life. Friends may even tell you that you are shackled to your mate or situation because you made the decision to marry them. Encouragement is the simple pat on the back and the room to let you release some of the emotion that has built up. By simply offering encouragement we leave couples in a state of sorrow and frustration.

This blog is to strengthen marriages. Not simply something to read, but to take action in your own life. For a marriage to grow and become stronger takes activity. I hear of so many unhappy relationships where they stay together because that is what the Bible says, but miss the real joy because they are stuck in a cycle. The honeymoon is over and it is all about practical things. They have a roof over their head, food on the table and clothes on their back so they feel they have nothing more they can do. This thinking is all wrong. The Bible offers far more direction for our marriages than that. You need to be constantly developing and building your relationship. Not in a sense of physical strength, but emotional strength and dedication. You have to be active in your marriage and work at it in order for it to grow and become better. The wife that struggles with jealousy or the husband that doesn’t want to go home are signs of an unhealthy marriage. The marriage that is filled with arguments or quiet seclusion shows signs of a suffering marriage. Your marriage cannot always be in a state of tribulation unless you are not willing to accept the joy, growth, and hope that come after that struggle. You need to do the work, embrace the lessons, but accept the joy out of it as well. God has given the example of joy and love throughout His word. A simple example can be found throughout the Song of Solomon. Read it together.

When my wife and I got married, a family friend offered us a simple word of direction for our marriage as we were leaving the church. My wife wrote them down and I want to share them now.

“Water Your Garden”

Your marriage is like a garden. There are seasons of
change, beautiful flowers, weeds and thorns. It needs
water, food, protection, faith, and nurturing to grow.

In a marriage, each person is a garden, and it is the
responsibility of the spouse to water that garden, tend
it and even weed it when necessary. If a husband and
a wife tend each other’s garden faithfully, both will
grow. When we focus on our own garden, weeds will
grow and the relationship will be like an untended
garden, overgrown and sad.

In all gardens, there is a time to sow and a time to harvest.
Some of the most beautiful flowers have thorns, and the
fruit and blooms sprout from unexpected places.

So…remember…Water your garden.

So as I write the daily entries to this blog there is more than simply reading that goes along with it. You need to do the work. Take care of each other and build a stronger joy filled marriage. Push each other through the tough times and embrace each other in the joy of success. The prize is worth the pain if you are willing to go the extra mile.