The Rest of the Team

Two teams on the field competing for the right to be called the winner. Teams made up of strong teens all prepared for this one event. It’s the final game of the season. Sweat and mud covers them all from head to toe. Everyone is tired, but motivated to keep going. The ball snaps and lines crash together. Just modern day gladiators pushing to prove their dominance. The quarterback sends the football aloft, floating on a cushion of air down the field. The Spectators wait, holding their breath, as they watch the play unfold. In the end zone one player waits alone as the ball is cradled into his hands. The announcer’s screaming touchdown over the loud speaker. As the players run off the field, the coach calls the receiver over, pats him on the back and gives him a hearty good job.

Proverbs 31: 28, 29 “Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all”.

Just like the game of football, many people are involved in the winning play, but only one or two receive the praise. If anyone had not done their job to the best of their ability, the ending may have been very different. Marriage can be like the game. There are multiple people involved, but often times only one receives the recognition.

When your marriage struggles through hard-times it takes the both of you. Pushing and sacrificing until a goal is reached. There may be times that you both just do what is needed without talking about it. In the end only one person may get the reward. It may mean the promotion at work you have been vying for. It may be a financial success so that you can buy the new boat or motorcycle. It may be a new house or car. How many times as a couple have you pushed together so that the husband can have the pat on the back and the good job? Men seek recognition and an image of accomplishment. This really builds up our egos and helps our fragile self esteem.

The problem is, what about our wives. They have sweated and gotten dirty with us. What have we done to tell them good job as well. What encouragement have they received for their part? I have heard it said their accomplishment and sign of success is their children. Children are an accomplishment, but should not be placed solely on them as their responsibility and sign of their success. Raising children is a responsibility of both parents and in so doing, a sign of both your success. Your wife needs as much support and encouragement for meeting goals and building self esteem as you. If it is education, career, or another goal, you need to work together so both of you succeed. Just as your wife supports rewards of your accomplishments, you need to figure out what she needs as well.

We all need encouragement to build up self esteem. Selfishness just gets in the way of a healthy marriage. Try to look at your life and what you have done for each other. Is it equitable for both of you? What goals are you working on reaching? Is there rewards planed for both of you as well?

Re-Evaluate Marriage Needs and Goals...

Several years ago we let my older boys get some video games, that after seeing them, we decided our youngest son didn’t need to play them. It’s been several years since that decision was made. Now that his friends are playing similar games he would like to play them also. He has asked if we would relook at the games and see if we could let him play them with his older brothers. We realized we need to honor this request. Not that we will change our stance. He simply has a desire that we look at the game now that he is older.


I Peter 2:16 “Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God.”

Marriages go through changes as well. You each grow older, needs change, and the desires of your heart shift. Every so often you need to take time to re-evaluate things in your life. Some things will be tangible changes other things will be emotion based. If you have plans and goals written down this helps the process along.

Start with tangible changes that you both can grasp. Many times we have accomplished the goals we originally set, but don’t realize we surpassed those earmarks. Taking the time does not mean you have to change the direction you are going, but to make sure it is still what both of you want. Life events may change priorities and it may be as simple as the duration of time for a specific goal. Moving things sooner or later based on events and changes in family. A child born or parent dying can really alter priorities in our own lives. Look at the goals you have written down. Acknowledge when you see you have accomplished some plans and consider all things listed that are still unattained. Have your goals changed in some way or do you have different needs? These are the things you can put your finger on and measure. Make sure that these goals are attainable and not dreams that are so far reaching they will be a constant source of frustration. By setting goals together that list individual needs, needs as a couple, and family needs you are aware and help each other accomplish them.

The area that is most difficult to measure and monitor is the emotional changes you both go through. As you age and mature your needs will also change. Emotional needs are harder to measure so communication is critical. Be honest with each other. This is not a time to be sensitive, but listen to each other. Are you meeting each other’s needs?

Time:
Consider the time you spend together and apart. Is this enough or do you need something to change. Are there other time needs you need facilitated for each other? (Church, friends, family) Discuss how to best serve those needs.

Touch:
Touch is an area that can be significant. How much contact and type of contact you need from each other can be an area never discussed. Because you never talk about it, the problem is addressed after you are no longer willing to discuss it.

Sex:
This is a time to talk about sex. Are you satisfying each other? What foreplay do you both need and want? Has your wife reached an orgasm or does she have no idea what an orgasm feels like? Has she had children? Things may be different after the trauma of childbirth and you will need to explore this as well. Many times we gain new aches and pains that take the pleasure away. Rather than simply tolerating the pain, talk about it. Your spouse may be tolerating the pain as well trying to satisfy you.

Communication:
Communication can change as well. Figure out what location best suits your communication together. As your family grows it may be harder to find somewhere private that you can relax and talk. Some things will change in how you show your love for each other. I know over time some of the cute little poems and notes were harder to think of. Not that my love for my spouse was any less, but they just didn’t flow as freely and were frustrating. If you were doing anything like this, talk about it. Don’t just simply stop doing it.

How many times are you discouraged or disappointed when you lose something? This change can cause conflict if you don’t take the time to talk about the disappointment. Cry together, laugh together and enjoy each other as you talk about how your body and mind are getting older. Most of all accept the importance of recognizing each other’s changes, needs and desires.

It's in The Details

I watched my kids run through the house Easter morning. They were trying to make sense of the clues their mom left for them. It was fun to watch, but I found it interesting how difficult it was for them to figure out the details.

Philippians 2:4 “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others”.

Now that you are married you receive all kinds of special offers in the mail. Most advertising sells the concept that success is measured by the amount of possessions you hold. Sales men and women encourage you to run everything on credit. In order to own, you finance house, cars and other toys. We are all lured in by advertisements featuring low interest rates and the concept of free money. Money can play a big part in the disagreements married couples have with each other. Arguments are often fueled by the stress of trying to keep up with the burden of debt.

Consider the details when you hear of a great opportunity. You are married and have greater buying power as a couple. When you are young the “what-if’s” are the farthest from your mind. Changes in life will happen. It is when these changes occur in life that you become buried in debt and have no way to deal with it. Before you take on loans and credit cards plan for the future. Not only the good times, but also plan for the unexpected. A baby is a gift from God, but can be a crisis if you are not prepared. Increased expenses can rob you of your joy if you have not prepared for future events. Injury or illness can also create additional stress on a relationship.

I would suggest avoiding debt. Rather than buying to the maximum of your income, look at the details. Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst financial situation. With preparation your family will only have to deal with the stress of changes and events and not the additional burden of money problems. Talk to your parents or those you know who are good savers. As a couple set a goal plan that includes short term and long term desires and planning. Include a “what-if” plan if things don’t go the way you hope. Talking about the good and potential bad will help lessen the stress if the unthinkable occurs because you will have a game plan to go back to.


Master Your Money - Complete Set of 6 VHS