Showing posts with label plan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label plan. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Time and Changes
Does time change things so much that we “fall out of love”? I would have to first ask were you in love in the first place. I have been frustrated and even angry with my wife as I know she has been with me, but it did not change the love we have for each other. When I talk with young couples claiming to have fallen out of love their relationship was infatuation and they didn’t know anything about the real person they were marrying. Don’t mistake lust and love.
Proverbs 11:6 “The righteousness of the upright delivers them, but the treacherous are taken captive by their lust”.
Emotions are dulled over time and we become desensitized by routine. Studies are quoted about television violence desensitizing our youth. Even though I believe much of the statistics utilized are over-exaggerated, the basic point is true. Without substance in relationship, moral structure, and education we do lose part of compassion or love for another.
Relationships take work!
There are times we wake up and just need to step back. Figure out what is going on and build each other up. Stress of finances, outside family, and severe life changes can throw a curve in your relationship. By talking it through we can understand each other’s needs and how to meet them. Sometimes it may take a while to provide something needed or as we change can move from need to simply a want. Because of this it is important to always keep communication open.
Create priorities together and re-evaluate them regularly. By planning together and discussing changes in priorities we can encourage each other for like goals. Working together towards alike goals encourages our relationship. Not always doing the same thing all the time enlivens our love for each other. By keeping our love and commitment towards each other helps our marriages to last. Plan for the future, but don’t be afraid to change. Change is healthy when it change is developing a stronger commitment to each other.
Career’s fall apart regularly, friends come and go, relatives die, but if you have each other you can work through anything.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Re-Evaluate Marriage Needs and Goals...
Several years ago we let my older boys get some video games, that after seeing them, we decided our youngest son didn’t need to play them. It’s been several years since that decision was made. Now that his friends are playing similar games he would like to play them also. He has asked if we would relook at the games and see if we could let him play them with his older brothers. We realized we need to honor this request. Not that we will change our stance. He simply has a desire that we look at the game now that he is older.
I Peter 2:16 “Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God.”
Marriages go through changes as well. You each grow older, needs change, and the desires of your heart shift. Every so often you need to take time to re-evaluate things in your life. Some things will be tangible changes other things will be emotion based. If you have plans and goals written down this helps the process along.
Start with tangible changes that you both can grasp. Many times we have accomplished the goals we originally set, but don’t realize we surpassed those earmarks. Taking the time does not mean you have to change the direction you are going, but to make sure it is still what both of you want. Life events may change priorities and it may be as simple as the duration of time for a specific goal. Moving things sooner or later based on events and changes in family. A child born or parent dying can really alter priorities in our own lives. Look at the goals you have written down. Acknowledge when you see you have accomplished some plans and consider all things listed that are still unattained. Have your goals changed in some way or do you have different needs? These are the things you can put your finger on and measure. Make sure that these goals are attainable and not dreams that are so far reaching they will be a constant source of frustration. By setting goals together that list individual needs, needs as a couple, and family needs you are aware and help each other accomplish them.
The area that is most difficult to measure and monitor is the emotional changes you both go through. As you age and mature your needs will also change. Emotional needs are harder to measure so communication is critical. Be honest with each other. This is not a time to be sensitive, but listen to each other. Are you meeting each other’s needs?
Time:
Consider the time you spend together and apart. Is this enough or do you need something to change. Are there other time needs you need facilitated for each other? (Church, friends, family) Discuss how to best serve those needs.
Touch:
Touch is an area that can be significant. How much contact and type of contact you need from each other can be an area never discussed. Because you never talk about it, the problem is addressed after you are no longer willing to discuss it.
Sex:
This is a time to talk about sex. Are you satisfying each other? What foreplay do you both need and want? Has your wife reached an orgasm or does she have no idea what an orgasm feels like? Has she had children? Things may be different after the trauma of childbirth and you will need to explore this as well. Many times we gain new aches and pains that take the pleasure away. Rather than simply tolerating the pain, talk about it. Your spouse may be tolerating the pain as well trying to satisfy you.
Communication:
Communication can change as well. Figure out what location best suits your communication together. As your family grows it may be harder to find somewhere private that you can relax and talk. Some things will change in how you show your love for each other. I know over time some of the cute little poems and notes were harder to think of. Not that my love for my spouse was any less, but they just didn’t flow as freely and were frustrating. If you were doing anything like this, talk about it. Don’t just simply stop doing it.
How many times are you discouraged or disappointed when you lose something? This change can cause conflict if you don’t take the time to talk about the disappointment. Cry together, laugh together and enjoy each other as you talk about how your body and mind are getting older. Most of all accept the importance of recognizing each other’s changes, needs and desires.
I Peter 2:16 “Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God.”
Marriages go through changes as well. You each grow older, needs change, and the desires of your heart shift. Every so often you need to take time to re-evaluate things in your life. Some things will be tangible changes other things will be emotion based. If you have plans and goals written down this helps the process along.
Start with tangible changes that you both can grasp. Many times we have accomplished the goals we originally set, but don’t realize we surpassed those earmarks. Taking the time does not mean you have to change the direction you are going, but to make sure it is still what both of you want. Life events may change priorities and it may be as simple as the duration of time for a specific goal. Moving things sooner or later based on events and changes in family. A child born or parent dying can really alter priorities in our own lives. Look at the goals you have written down. Acknowledge when you see you have accomplished some plans and consider all things listed that are still unattained. Have your goals changed in some way or do you have different needs? These are the things you can put your finger on and measure. Make sure that these goals are attainable and not dreams that are so far reaching they will be a constant source of frustration. By setting goals together that list individual needs, needs as a couple, and family needs you are aware and help each other accomplish them.
The area that is most difficult to measure and monitor is the emotional changes you both go through. As you age and mature your needs will also change. Emotional needs are harder to measure so communication is critical. Be honest with each other. This is not a time to be sensitive, but listen to each other. Are you meeting each other’s needs?
Time:
Consider the time you spend together and apart. Is this enough or do you need something to change. Are there other time needs you need facilitated for each other? (Church, friends, family) Discuss how to best serve those needs.
Touch:
Touch is an area that can be significant. How much contact and type of contact you need from each other can be an area never discussed. Because you never talk about it, the problem is addressed after you are no longer willing to discuss it.
Sex:
This is a time to talk about sex. Are you satisfying each other? What foreplay do you both need and want? Has your wife reached an orgasm or does she have no idea what an orgasm feels like? Has she had children? Things may be different after the trauma of childbirth and you will need to explore this as well. Many times we gain new aches and pains that take the pleasure away. Rather than simply tolerating the pain, talk about it. Your spouse may be tolerating the pain as well trying to satisfy you.
Communication:
Communication can change as well. Figure out what location best suits your communication together. As your family grows it may be harder to find somewhere private that you can relax and talk. Some things will change in how you show your love for each other. I know over time some of the cute little poems and notes were harder to think of. Not that my love for my spouse was any less, but they just didn’t flow as freely and were frustrating. If you were doing anything like this, talk about it. Don’t just simply stop doing it.
How many times are you discouraged or disappointed when you lose something? This change can cause conflict if you don’t take the time to talk about the disappointment. Cry together, laugh together and enjoy each other as you talk about how your body and mind are getting older. Most of all accept the importance of recognizing each other’s changes, needs and desires.
Monday, April 5, 2010
It's in The Details
I watched my kids run through the house Easter morning. They were trying to make sense of the clues their mom left for them. It was fun to watch, but I found it interesting how difficult it was for them to figure out the details.
Philippians 2:4 “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others”.
Now that you are married you receive all kinds of special offers in the mail. Most advertising sells the concept that success is measured by the amount of possessions you hold. Sales men and women encourage you to run everything on credit. In order to own, you finance house, cars and other toys. We are all lured in by advertisements featuring low interest rates and the concept of free money. Money can play a big part in the disagreements married couples have with each other. Arguments are often fueled by the stress of trying to keep up with the burden of debt.
Consider the details when you hear of a great opportunity. You are married and have greater buying power as a couple. When you are young the “what-if’s” are the farthest from your mind. Changes in life will happen. It is when these changes occur in life that you become buried in debt and have no way to deal with it. Before you take on loans and credit cards plan for the future. Not only the good times, but also plan for the unexpected. A baby is a gift from God, but can be a crisis if you are not prepared. Increased expenses can rob you of your joy if you have not prepared for future events. Injury or illness can also create additional stress on a relationship.
I would suggest avoiding debt. Rather than buying to the maximum of your income, look at the details. Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst financial situation. With preparation your family will only have to deal with the stress of changes and events and not the additional burden of money problems. Talk to your parents or those you know who are good savers. As a couple set a goal plan that includes short term and long term desires and planning. Include a “what-if” plan if things don’t go the way you hope. Talking about the good and potential bad will help lessen the stress if the unthinkable occurs because you will have a game plan to go back to.
Master Your Money - Complete Set of 6 VHS
Philippians 2:4 “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others”.
Now that you are married you receive all kinds of special offers in the mail. Most advertising sells the concept that success is measured by the amount of possessions you hold. Sales men and women encourage you to run everything on credit. In order to own, you finance house, cars and other toys. We are all lured in by advertisements featuring low interest rates and the concept of free money. Money can play a big part in the disagreements married couples have with each other. Arguments are often fueled by the stress of trying to keep up with the burden of debt.
Consider the details when you hear of a great opportunity. You are married and have greater buying power as a couple. When you are young the “what-if’s” are the farthest from your mind. Changes in life will happen. It is when these changes occur in life that you become buried in debt and have no way to deal with it. Before you take on loans and credit cards plan for the future. Not only the good times, but also plan for the unexpected. A baby is a gift from God, but can be a crisis if you are not prepared. Increased expenses can rob you of your joy if you have not prepared for future events. Injury or illness can also create additional stress on a relationship.
I would suggest avoiding debt. Rather than buying to the maximum of your income, look at the details. Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst financial situation. With preparation your family will only have to deal with the stress of changes and events and not the additional burden of money problems. Talk to your parents or those you know who are good savers. As a couple set a goal plan that includes short term and long term desires and planning. Include a “what-if” plan if things don’t go the way you hope. Talking about the good and potential bad will help lessen the stress if the unthinkable occurs because you will have a game plan to go back to.
Master Your Money - Complete Set of 6 VHS
Monday, March 29, 2010
Why are we fighting anyway?
The military established rules of engagement long ago for two reasons: (1) to ensure we did not start a fight with allies or people just seeking to get out of the fight and (2) so that those under their command know when the battle is over without escalation due to excessive force. Law Enforcement has rules as well called Standards of Procedures or SOP’s to manage situations with as little conflict as possible. So why are there no rules for marriage?
Proverbs 24:3,4 “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches”.
The greatest home is the one that is peaceful and filled with love. Reality is we all have moments of conflict. The difference is how we deal with that conflict. How we manage arguments will define not only our relationship, but also the relationships of our children. I was given several rules to live by when I was newly married. I believe they were good principles that have helped keep our marriage whole.
(1) Was no name calling and swearing. By keeping the argument to the specific issue and not escalating by derogatory language we didn’t have argument spiral out of control. Staying on the issue also helps to resolve it sooner.
(2) Divorce is no longer in the dictionary. By removing the easy out we have to work through the issue and figure out what the real problem is. Marriage is not going to always be easy. Real marriages take work and by working you invest time and energy to work through things and take care of each other. We made a commitment for life and so it is worth the effort to make it the best possible.
(3) Do not go to bed mad. Spend the time to get to the bottom of the argument and mend the relationship. By not letting it fester over night or sleeping in separate rooms you keep things specific to needs and do not become historical.
(4) Do not be historical. If you have resolved a conflict let it be forgotten not used as salt in a wound over and over again. We all need correction from time to time, but it is important that the correction is kept to related time and event that has brought about the conflict.
Conflict can be caused by so many things in life I believe it is also important to figure out what is causing the conflict. Some things we have control and other things are outside factors we have no control. Consider these categories to narrow things down. (Money, Family, Schedule, and Other). If these things can be controlled we can put a plan together to manage it, if not we need to figure out how important it is and if we can live without it. Ask yourself, what do we need to survive and will this improve our marriage? If it is a need and it will improve your marriage then you need to work through to come up with a plan, if it is not a need and/or it won’t improve your marriage how do you minimize it or eliminate it all together. Outside family may not be something you can get rid of, but you can limit how much time you spend with them if they are tearing down your marriage. What else can you evaluate this way?
Money is often times a big conflict for all of us. Our desire for success and comfort can be different between people and the drive to reach our goals can cause a divide in our relationship. A simple fix is to set goals together that you both agree with and then put a plan of how to reach those goals. This may relate to careers, education and location in order to reach these goals, but if you are in agreement and supportive of each other the conflicts will be minimal.
Family can be a huge conflict between husbands and wives. Not only have you married each other, but now you have all these additional people you have to consider. Some things can be controlled and other things we must just support each other through. Parents will demand a lot of a new marriage, especially around different traditions like Christmas and Thanksgiving. A new couple really needs to define their own traditions and how they are going to work with the traditions of their parents. Children change some of the pressure we receive as a couple and during this time it is important that we support each other and the traditions we have decided on. It is also important to establish boundaries for our families so that they know what is expected as well as needed time. We may also need to set physical boundaries so that our privacy is respected.
Schedules are a difficult thing to manage for some of us. I am not a big time-clock type of person and am inclined to work until things are complete. I am also rescuer by nature, so I have a hard time setting aside my phone and focusing on my wife and family. Because of this there have been times I have not come home till late and times I have left my wife sitting while I ran off to help someone in need. I have had to learn to set a schedule and set aside my phone. It may mean turning off my phone at night or ignoring it if we are engaged in something as a family and follow up with it later.
Not only is the physical schedule an issue, but working as a medic I saw a lot of traumatic things. I would come home and want to talk about my shift with my wife. Some things were very hard for her to deal with. She wanted to encourage and support me so she would sit and listen until it finally caused to much crisis in her. In order to allow time to process for both of us before going to bed we set up a 30 min rule. For 30 Minutes after I got home we would talk about my shift and then we would stop and go to doing things and talk about other topics. This was healthy for both of us because it let us relax and not go to bed on the heavy emotions of the previous day. So many arguments were relieved simply by controlling our schedule and the discussions that surrounded our time.
Are outside events taking away from your time together such as bringing home work or the emotions from work? This can be easily remedied by simply putting a plan together how to get the things you need done and not take away from time together.
(My wife suggests when you come home do not go straight back to work, but spend time together and with your family. Set a specific time to do your work, start and finish. If you do not get it done, you need to still stop and if anything get up earlier in the morning to finish. Bring coffee in to your spouse at the time you would normally get up to nurture them because of the disruption of schedule. Even though they did not get up out of bed their sleep is impacted by getting up earlier.)
If you are having a hard time figuring out the cause of conflict or even working through an issue go to someone you both trust to help work through it or a counselor/ pastor. If you are seeking a counselor/ pastor, I would suggest you seek out a counselor that is currently married and has been married for some time as well as not currently involved in a divorce of their own.
Proverbs 24:3,4 “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches”.
The greatest home is the one that is peaceful and filled with love. Reality is we all have moments of conflict. The difference is how we deal with that conflict. How we manage arguments will define not only our relationship, but also the relationships of our children. I was given several rules to live by when I was newly married. I believe they were good principles that have helped keep our marriage whole.
(1) Was no name calling and swearing. By keeping the argument to the specific issue and not escalating by derogatory language we didn’t have argument spiral out of control. Staying on the issue also helps to resolve it sooner.
(2) Divorce is no longer in the dictionary. By removing the easy out we have to work through the issue and figure out what the real problem is. Marriage is not going to always be easy. Real marriages take work and by working you invest time and energy to work through things and take care of each other. We made a commitment for life and so it is worth the effort to make it the best possible.
(3) Do not go to bed mad. Spend the time to get to the bottom of the argument and mend the relationship. By not letting it fester over night or sleeping in separate rooms you keep things specific to needs and do not become historical.
(4) Do not be historical. If you have resolved a conflict let it be forgotten not used as salt in a wound over and over again. We all need correction from time to time, but it is important that the correction is kept to related time and event that has brought about the conflict.
Conflict can be caused by so many things in life I believe it is also important to figure out what is causing the conflict. Some things we have control and other things are outside factors we have no control. Consider these categories to narrow things down. (Money, Family, Schedule, and Other). If these things can be controlled we can put a plan together to manage it, if not we need to figure out how important it is and if we can live without it. Ask yourself, what do we need to survive and will this improve our marriage? If it is a need and it will improve your marriage then you need to work through to come up with a plan, if it is not a need and/or it won’t improve your marriage how do you minimize it or eliminate it all together. Outside family may not be something you can get rid of, but you can limit how much time you spend with them if they are tearing down your marriage. What else can you evaluate this way?
Money is often times a big conflict for all of us. Our desire for success and comfort can be different between people and the drive to reach our goals can cause a divide in our relationship. A simple fix is to set goals together that you both agree with and then put a plan of how to reach those goals. This may relate to careers, education and location in order to reach these goals, but if you are in agreement and supportive of each other the conflicts will be minimal.
Family can be a huge conflict between husbands and wives. Not only have you married each other, but now you have all these additional people you have to consider. Some things can be controlled and other things we must just support each other through. Parents will demand a lot of a new marriage, especially around different traditions like Christmas and Thanksgiving. A new couple really needs to define their own traditions and how they are going to work with the traditions of their parents. Children change some of the pressure we receive as a couple and during this time it is important that we support each other and the traditions we have decided on. It is also important to establish boundaries for our families so that they know what is expected as well as needed time. We may also need to set physical boundaries so that our privacy is respected.
Schedules are a difficult thing to manage for some of us. I am not a big time-clock type of person and am inclined to work until things are complete. I am also rescuer by nature, so I have a hard time setting aside my phone and focusing on my wife and family. Because of this there have been times I have not come home till late and times I have left my wife sitting while I ran off to help someone in need. I have had to learn to set a schedule and set aside my phone. It may mean turning off my phone at night or ignoring it if we are engaged in something as a family and follow up with it later.
Not only is the physical schedule an issue, but working as a medic I saw a lot of traumatic things. I would come home and want to talk about my shift with my wife. Some things were very hard for her to deal with. She wanted to encourage and support me so she would sit and listen until it finally caused to much crisis in her. In order to allow time to process for both of us before going to bed we set up a 30 min rule. For 30 Minutes after I got home we would talk about my shift and then we would stop and go to doing things and talk about other topics. This was healthy for both of us because it let us relax and not go to bed on the heavy emotions of the previous day. So many arguments were relieved simply by controlling our schedule and the discussions that surrounded our time.
Are outside events taking away from your time together such as bringing home work or the emotions from work? This can be easily remedied by simply putting a plan together how to get the things you need done and not take away from time together.
(My wife suggests when you come home do not go straight back to work, but spend time together and with your family. Set a specific time to do your work, start and finish. If you do not get it done, you need to still stop and if anything get up earlier in the morning to finish. Bring coffee in to your spouse at the time you would normally get up to nurture them because of the disruption of schedule. Even though they did not get up out of bed their sleep is impacted by getting up earlier.)
If you are having a hard time figuring out the cause of conflict or even working through an issue go to someone you both trust to help work through it or a counselor/ pastor. If you are seeking a counselor/ pastor, I would suggest you seek out a counselor that is currently married and has been married for some time as well as not currently involved in a divorce of their own.
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