Time and Changes

Does time change things so much that we “fall out of love”? I would have to first ask were you in love in the first place. I have been frustrated and even angry with my wife as I know she has been with me, but it did not change the love we have for each other. When I talk with young couples claiming to have fallen out of love their relationship was infatuation and they didn’t know anything about the real person they were marrying. Don’t mistake lust and love. Proverbs 11:6 “The righteousness of the upright delivers them, but the treacherous are taken captive by their lust”. Emotions are dulled over time and we become desensitized by routine. Studies are quoted about television violence desensitizing our youth. Even though I believe much of the statistics utilized are over-exaggerated, the basic point is true. Without substance in relationship, moral structure, and education we do lose part of compassion or love for another. Relationships take work! There are times we wake up and just need to step back. Figure out what is going on and build each other up. Stress of finances, outside family, and severe life changes can throw a curve in your relationship. By talking it through we can understand each other’s needs and how to meet them. Sometimes it may take a while to provide something needed or as we change can move from need to simply a want. Because of this it is important to always keep communication open. Create priorities together and re-evaluate them regularly. By planning together and discussing changes in priorities we can encourage each other for like goals. Working together towards alike goals encourages our relationship. Not always doing the same thing all the time enlivens our love for each other. By keeping our love and commitment towards each other helps our marriages to last. Plan for the future, but don’t be afraid to change. Change is healthy when it change is developing a stronger commitment to each other. Career’s fall apart regularly, friends come and go, relatives die, but if you have each other you can work through anything.

Husbands - Love is Kind

When we think of love the next word shared to describe love is that it is kind. Webster’s defines kind as having or showing a tender, considerate, and helping nature. So as husbands, we are instructed to love our wives. This in turn means we must be kind to our wives.

Proverbs 11: 17 “A man who is kind benefits himself, but a cruel man hurts himself.”

I know I grew up with a competitive attitude. Whether it was sports, politics, or possessions I was always competing to be the winner. It did not even matter if I cared about what or who I was competing against. Many times I would debate the opposite side simply to be competing so that there was a clear winner and looser even if I didn’t agree with the position I was defending.

How often have we argued with our wives simply to argue? I know the movies imply that arguing is positive, promoting the concept of “make-up sex” or having a barter point for when we want something for ourselves. How many times have we walked away from an argument feeling bad or hurt? In the end nothing positive may come from it at all. Most situations of divorce are simply because of an argument with misunderstandings that never get resolved. How many times were those arguments preventable or not even necessary?

Rather than pushing for an argument that we can win, maybe we might go further in our relationship by being considerate of our wives and their feelings. By being tender, considerate and helping, our relationship is given food to grow. Many studies have shown women are emotional by nature. By feeding their emotions in a positive way we encourage a healthy relationship. Too often we sabotage ourselves by not considering their emotions and reacting to statements without considering the full picture. Our wives may be considering the full impact of a decision and not just the narrow view we are focusing on. Or because of our pride and determination we push to win the argument even though we know we are wrong.

Be slow in decisions and consider all points of view. I know this is very tough for me. I want to make a plan and drive for it without considering the outcome. Many times I make things harder on myself because I fight through my plan until it works or fails miserably, rather than taking the easy way around. Then I have to accept the consequences attached to my decisions.

Being a helper has its own merits. By helping your wife with her burdens, comes great benefit. I know my wife and I both push hard at work as well as at home and anything I can do to take the burden off her makes more time for the two of us together. When I am helpful, I also find our household more at peace when we are running in all the crazy directions we do. Sharing the responsibility of household, children and activities makes it easier to set time aside for each other.

Nurture each other. Practice kindness in your home. Leave competition to when you are playing sports or at work.

Husbands - Love Is Patient

In this world of instant messaging, instant responses, and instant food, we are losing the skills for patience. I love technology personally. I appreciate the ability to get things done quickly and concisely. When technology fails I am quick to become agitated and reactionary. The poor customer service people must dread my phone call and people like me.

Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it.”

I , like many husbands, want to hurry and get to the point. I become impatient and stop listening five minutes after the conversation begins. If I don’t see a purpose or direction in a conversation I find my mind wanders.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized how important it is to go through the process. Like a fine Italian sauce it has to simmer for hours or even days before all the individual ingredients come together creating an incredible explosion of flavor when properly served. Rush it by cooking it at a higher temperature or shorter time and it will be bitter and acidic.

In the same way our conversation with our wives need time to process. Because they are not wired differently all parts of their mind run simultaneously. Everything is interconnected within their mind in ways we might not understand right away. To require your wife to be direct and concise is requiring her to operate different than how she was designed.
Showing love to our wives means we need to go through the process with them. Follow along as they travel through their thoughts and develop a conclusion or decision. As with the sauce the process is as important as the finished product. When rushed feelings are hurt and relationships can begin to sour. Understanding that we may not be able to follow the whole process we still need to be involved. Stir the conversation and be attentive so that you can gather as much information as possible. There may be several conclusions to several different questions developing at one time. When you have heard all the details you can then take each part separately and logically. Together you can logically process the different issues weighing on her mind and set her at ease.

Husbands do not be in a rush! The obvious answer may not be correct after you have all the details. Organize the information she has offered you. Ask her questions on anything you do not understand. By doing this you will earn the right to offer your opinion. Loving your wife is being patient with her. It may take time. BE PATIENT!!!!

What's Our Role

So many times I hear the age old saying “who wears that pants in your house”? They imply there is a competition over who is in charge of the household. Let me first say there should never be competition in a household. Husbands and wives have responsibilities within a household. The only way things get done is if we work together as a “TEAM”.

Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Ephesians 5:22 “Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord”.

This is probably one of the most misused portions of scripture in both Christian an non-Christian households. It fascinates me how many times non-Christians that do not grasp the significance of scripture can quote the verses regarding the role of husband and wife.

So let’s take this apart a little bit. First of all I am going to address the husband. Your behavior is key to how a household is to run. We are to follow the example of Christ. We are not to be the authoritarian demanding respect and service from our wives. How did Christ lead the church? Throughout scripture Jesus showed love and compassion even before the church chose to follow him even through His sacrifice on the cross before they understood the significance of his love. I am not say you have to martyr yourself so that your wife understands how much you love them, but I am saying you may need to set your own needs and desires aside for your wife's. Christ gained authority and submission from the church by being an example. By sharing words of encouragement, taking some of the burden from others, relieving suffering, and by giving clear expectations He was able to earn respect and the desire of others to submit to Him. We as husbands have to take the first step by offering love; through encouragement, helping lift some of the burden and communicating clearly any expectations. It is important that we consider our own behavior in our marriage and what example we offer. We must show sincere love and commitment first before we can expect submission from our spouse. Jesus did not leave the church with a huge list of rules to live by. In the same way we should not run our own household burdened by a long set of rules. He instead left us with examples of how we can be successful with life. He did not demand, but simply left the church with a choice. Each day is a new day and with that day come new situations and choices we have to make. In our marriage is the same thing. We offer example and direction with simple rules, but we are not here to force our wives to submit. With time we earn the respect and submission of our wives. In some cases where there is clear communication and time during the dating and engagement phase of a relationship this can be a short process. In other cases where the ground work was not put in place, this may be a long process. But every day will offer new situations and with it decision. It is important not to be condemning when they choose their own path.

Wives, I know this is a sticky point. What does it mean to submit to your own husband? As Christians we desire the direction of Jesus as a starting point in life decisions. Jesus is not there with a big stick to beat us every time we choose to do something contrary to his instruction. That being said any time we choose our own way instead of listening to His direction things are just a bit tougher to get through. Submitting to your husband is simply listening to your husband’s direction and decisions. You may disagree and it is healthy to discuss your thoughts, but ultimately, as long as it does not mean putting yourself in harm’s way, you should respect your husband’s ultimate decision. By showing your husband respect and submitting to their authority there is a lot less conflict in your relationship. Remember in a marriage you are not in competition with each other. You are a team. With being a team someone has to lead and someone has to follow. It has nothing to do with who is stronger, faster, or better. It has to do with defining a chain of command so that life’s challenges can be overcome. If there is a competition over who is in authority then you will both be defeated by all the outside pressures of the world.

Husbands and wives need to understand that the world does not want to see healthy marriages. They work to pervert marriage and tear it apart. A lot of emphasis is put on devaluing marriage. It has even become a political issue where politics should hold no bearing simply because they are focused on it as a contract and not as a commitment. In this day and age there is very little commitment to anything. With our lives in a constant state of preparation for transitions; whether it be location, career, or friends it is hard to understand what commitment truly means. We are taught to look for the loophole in the contract and to defer responsibility. This is not the case with marriage. The minute you make vows to each other you have promised each other and God. Marriage is serious and the roles in marriage are serious. If we can work out the roles and commit our lives to each other, our marriages are the better for it.

Don’t let Anything Steal Your Joy

In Brazil there is a group of men that martyr themselves. They begin by flogging themselves as they march down the streets. When they arrive at the outside of the city they are secured to a cross and hoisted skyward. They put their body through this each year believing this is what Christ meant by dying to yourself. They avoid joy and self impose sacrifice to prove their commitment to Christ. I believe they missed the true message of God.

I John 1:5 “This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in Him is no darkness at all”.

Just like these men in Brazil I hear of husbands and wives being martyrs to the bad decisions they made in the past. I am confident that God intended marriage to be full of love and joy. I know this because God is Love. Do not buy into the messages from society that marriage is a drudgery or chore. Marriage does not need to be drudgery unless you accept it that way. Things happen, but there is no reason it should hang over your marriage forever. If you have asked forgiveness and served the consequences of that choice, do not carry the sorrow and pain year after year. So often, even though everyone else has moved on, spouses continue to start each morning wallowing in the pain of that decision. If they find joy and release they scramble to grab back hold of that “humble” attitude because they don’t feel they are worthy of the joy.

Self martyrdom is not humility! It is arrogant manipulation. By holding on to this emotion you cause hurt and harm to your spouse and family. Those believing that marriage is like a prison do not understand the true purpose of marriage. Marriage is supposed to be an opportunity to understand the true character of God. Marriage is to be an example of the relationship between God and the church. Each marriage is designed to be filled with joy, love and forgiveness. None of us are perfect, but we are all forgiven. Rather than dragging your family through a mire of negative emotion, accept the forgiveness and be an example of God’s unconditional love. There is so much to be happy and blessed by each day. Do not let the world steal the joy of your family away. There is no cost to joy except the investment of yourself in your family. Let your family be part of your life. Find reasons to laugh, smile and share joy with all those around you. Beat back the negative messages of the world. Do not involve yourself in negative bantering with friends and coworkers bashing marriage. Avoid movies and shows that tear down family and marriage. Find inspiration for your marriage.

Show your family how much you truly love them. Give up whatever is stealing the joy away from you and your family. LOVE!

Loving Routine

What is it about a cup of coffee in the morning? Is it the warm cup in your hands, the steam on your nose, or the taste in the morning? All over the world, coffee is prepared in different ways. People develop their preferences in bean, style, and added ingredients. There are heated debates on what makes the best cup of coffee. Drip, pressed, or espresso, but they all start with water and coffee beans.

Ephesians 5:28 “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself”.

Men and women develop routines and behaviors to improve ourselves all through school. Spending time in a weight room or practicing our sport, if we are an athlete. Studying, reading and research if we are academic oriented. Mixing and experimenting if our main craving is food. After graduation unless we are part of that elite, we change our focus. We spend more energy holding on to jobs and improving our financial base so we can survive. We work for gain so that we can feed little indulgences, such as a cup of coffee. Not that coffee is critical for our very existence, but simply a pleasure to start our day.

What is it that you do for yourself to just feel a little better? For me a cup of coffee is a source of balance in my world. I started to enjoy coffee on the cold mornings after practicing in an outdoor pool. It wasn’t so much the taste, but the warming feeling it offered in my hands that seemed to move throughout my body. I would breathe in the steam that seemed to open up my lungs. After years I acquired a taste for the source of heat and people around me started to offer their recommendations on the best way to enjoy coffee. My surfing coach always explained simple is better. Nothing is better than a black coffee from VG’s after surfing. While I worked as a medic a doctor introduced me to coffee so thick you could pour it out on your pancakes. With a little syrup you would have a nutty taste that would kick start the next 24 hour shift. All and all, I began to enjoy my coffee routine.

My wife on the other hand had not acquired a taste for coffee that I had. Wanting her to find the pleasure I found in a morning cup of coffee, I began mixing and searching for blends that gave her some understanding of the joy that I had. It started with mocha and bagel with cream cheese at work. We started brewing coffee at home experimenting with different blends. In this experience we realized that it was not simply the coffee that we enjoyed, but the time together in the morning. I found that I could nurture my wife by getting up and preparing a cup of coffee in the morning. Waking up a few minutes earlier, so we could drink our coffee together and talk without interruption. Sometimes we would watch the sun come up together and enjoy the beauty of the day. Share a verse or poem we had read while still in bed. Most importantly, we were together. Taking time together to reinforce the love we have for each other. Once the day has started it is tough to connect, especially when we are running different directions. In the evening we find we are both tired and distracted by the needs of our children. But in the morning, it is our time. We are able to focus on each other and encourage each other as we prepare for our day.

So what is your routine that you do for yourself? The one thing I know for sure is we all have habits or routines that we do to care for ourselves. Doing something to help our mental health and find a little joy in each day. In marriage it is important that you find that something that you can do with each other. You desire to feel good and positive. Wouldn’t it make sense to include your spouse in this time? We are now one body, one unit so it is important to find one time together. It may be morning, afternoon, or evening. The important thing is discussing it and finding something that works for the both of you.

Married in Sickness and in Health

For those that are young I suggest taking care of your bodies. As you grow older injuries and illness add stress to living. The more pain you suffer, the more struggles for your family to manage as well. To my wife, I look at your face and see the worry and struggle you bear, the finances you juggle, and the children you encourage through it all. Thank you for being there!

I Corinthians 10:23 “All things are lawful, but not all things are helpful. All things are lawful, but not all things build up”.

I made a choice November 2007 to get out of my car and help a friend. While there I was run over by a SUV that crushed my pelvis. My intention was to help and there was nothing wrong with that, but because of that choice my family carries a burden. The stress that has been placed on my wife because of this event has changed a lot of things in our lives and relationship, but through it we are even closer. In one instant or if one thing had gone differently I would not be here today. I had some control of my circumstances, but not everyone gets that chance. I have friends and acquaintances that are dealing with different types of cancer, heart issues, and other disease processes. I have watched depression rip through families. The struggles in those marriages are the same. Their spouses look on with helplessness as they have no way to help. In some cases that helplessness causes such conflict that they run away. Their relationship dissolves and bitterness replaces that amazing love they had for each other.

Why do some marriages endure and others crumble? I believe it is the foundation that their relationship is built on. The marriage built on physical needs falls apart when your body fails either by age or injury. If your marriage is built on success it goes the direction of the money or status. There are those marriages that are built on a strong foundation in both love and friendship that crisis hits and they still crash. So what makes the difference?

The difference is the counsel that surrounds us. Start with the model of our parents. Our parents modeled relationships that endured through the good times and bad. They are also there to offer wise counsel. They may not always agree with us in everything we do, but they are an encouragement to our marriage. Evaluate your parents when you have a chance. Will they be a good example and source of encouragement when you go through struggles? If not maybe you need to limit their influence in your relationship.

Friends can play a huge role in your successful marriage. Who are the friends that you stay in close contact with? Are they friends that encourage your relationship or do they encourage separation and independence? We have been blessed with friends that have come along side us and have encouraged us through the down times and celebrated in joy with us. We have a church family that has supported us when I was no longer able and taken time to encourage us through the day to day things. Those friendships have shifted as far as involvement based on needs of each other, but we are still there for each other when we call. Let me encourage you to find friends and people that will encourage you! The true friends are those that will be there during your deepest need! As you mature and grow together those friends should change, so do not be concerned. You want those of like mind to stay around, but those that cause conflict to move on. We do not do well as an island separated from other people, but it doesn’t mean we need to hold onto the same people through our entire lives. Relationships with friends will shift and flow like the tides of the ocean. Encourage each other and allow those changes to occur.

Understand that not only do we mature and change, but our bodies will change also. There will be times we look at each other and just do not like each other, but that does not mean we do not love one another. Do not fret these times, but embrace them. We grow in this way If we dig down and remember why we love each other those feeling too will pass and our relationship will become even stronger for it. There will be a time when youth is gone. Look beyond the appearance and find pleasure in the true beauty that remains. Finally, when our health has faltered it is tough for everyone involved. By creating a solid foundation these struggles can be overcome easily. Many hands makes light work. Remember, marriage is Sacred!

Agree to Disagree

So I have to ask the question, does it matter anyway?
So many times we have silly arguments simply for the sake of the argument. The facts remain and they do not affect our marriage in reality, but we spend endless hours debating our side of an opinion. All that comes out of the debate is hurt feelings. So how does this build up our marriages. Sometimes we just need to just let it go.

Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it”.

Politics is a prime area that we may both be divided or simply the discussion of politics causes anxiety because we have no control of the outcome. We are each impressed by different issues and listen to different information we receive. We process the information differently and form our opinions. Politics is one of those areas that it really doesn’t matter when it comes to our marriages. Sure, there are policies that affect our life, but it doesn’t have a place in our relationship with each other. Political parties or policies are going to change, but it doesn’t define who we are or how we make decisions in life. Most policies are written and voted on without us even noticing.
It doesn’t mean never talk about things such as politics or topics that cause conflict. It is important to evaluate how it relates to our day to day. Is it worth sacrificing our marriage and relationship for something we have no control of anyway?

What then:
Let me dispute some crazy ideas that have been taken from the passage and how it relates. Wives, submitting does not mean walking around with your head low, not speaking unless spoken to, and running around as ordered. It is simply respecting your husband and being an active partner in your marriage. There are times you may not agree, but need to drop an issue simply to encourage a healthy marriage. Voice your opinion, but if your husband’s convictions are that important to him, allow him to hold onto those convictions. Respect his position and move forward. He has heard your opinion, it will perculate in his mind and down the road, as he has collected more information, he may come to embrace your opinion or he may not. Don’t be offended. He does love you and agreeing or disagreeing has nothing to do with his love for you.
Husbands are to Love our wives. This sounds pretty simple, but I will admit sometimes it is not. Consider the word Love. It can hold many meanings. That is why the example included in the passage is so important. It is letting go of ourselves even our life itself for our wives. It does not necessarily mean we need to physically die for our wives, but instead put aside ourselves (attitudes, comforts, opinions, schedules, etc.) for the support, encouragement, and protection of our wives. We need to be willing to protect both their physical body and their emotional body even at the expense of our own. How many times have we wounded or crushed our wives emotionally just to prove “We’re the man.” Yes, wives are told to submit to their husbands, but that doesn’t mean we are to lord over them with military force and authority. How is this loving your wife? We need to approach them with sensitivity of heart. Loving them means partnering together to manage the household and relationship. Loving is communicating together and ultimately taking responsibility for the household. We need to accept responsibility for everything that affects our household, good or bad. We also need to validate the opinion of our wives respecting their opinions and convictions. Showing love is treasuring what makes them who they are.

Last thought: Husbands, be wise in the topics you choose. Don’t just bring up topics because you want to hear yourself talk and prove how knowledgeable you are. Choose topics that are going to encourage your relationship and your wife. And wives, you know what riles us up. Do not poke those buttons to start a fight. Find ways to be creative in your marriage and vary your conversation.