How do I?

I have heard so many explanations of how men and women process information. Things like blue hearing and pink hearing, Women’s brains are balls of wire and men’s brains are boxes or my favorite, Women’s brains are spaghetti and men’s brains are like waffles. Any explanation you want is fine. Reality is we all process information differently.

I Corinthians 7:4 “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does”.

I want to start by saying stop thinking in the frame work of us and them. When you were married you gave yourself wholly to the other as a gift. Now it is important to understand that that gift is no longer your own and approach it that way. You are not in a competition, but a team. By being on the same team you work together toward success and happiness. Learn what makes each other work.

Husbands need to learn how their wives operate to start with. You have this gift, but no manual how to work it. Women are very complicated so you have to be careful to offer the right commands or they get all screwed up. Consider a computer. You start it up and it opens all these programs in the background. You start using one program and other functions continue to run. Alerts come up every so often to tell you a function is complete or started; system needs attention, or other details that most of the time you ignore. If you ignore all those alerts and warnings because you are focused and want to get whatever you are doing done. End result, your computer shuts down. If you are lucky it only needs its battery charged, but at the same time all might be lost. Your wife is the same way. You can be going along, but if you do not pay attention to those other functions they will crash. Women not only need input, but they need you to consider setting, needs and emotions. Do not be upset if you are talking about something and it shifts to a whole other topic. They heard the information you gave, but it provoked other thoughts or needs that are connected somehow in their brain. Women multitask in their minds all the time. You just need to take each function in order of importance and focus them down so you can understand. It is not that they are functioning wrong, but we have a hard time keeping up or are so wrapped up in wanting to get done, we miss the clues. Listen for the alerts and respond. Your life will be much happier for it.

Wives also need to understand how your husband functions. We are not so complex and are easily broken. We are a series of crank up music boxes, each with their own handle. If you want a new song you just need to grab a different music box out of our stack. We will only play one music box at a time though or we get confused and just shut down. If no one chooses a box and cranks it up, we stop the music and are happy sitting quiet until a music box is pulled out again. Wives get frustrated because it seems like we do not care. The truth is we have a process we need done because we are not always operating ready to go. You must choose the music (subject or task), let us get it out and then you need to crank the handle (clearly explain what you need and reinforce each stage) you may need to re-crank the handle a few times to get through the song, finally we need you to put that music box away (give us praise for completion). If you leave the music box out and it gets wet, it rusts and stops working. Take care of the music boxes. They are yours now.

I have heard many people say use sex as a motivator; it is your greatest tool. I completely disagree. By holding sex as your motivator and then the next and the next I see many relationships become bitter because of frustration. Of course when things are done and emotions are managed well sex is easier to enjoy, but I would suggest finding other ways of encouraging each other.

Practice different ways of communicating with each other to find what best works in your particular marriage. Understanding that we each process information differently, be patient with each other. As we mature and change those needs or ways we communicate may change as well. It is important we change with those needs. If it seems like we aren’t getting it, you are probably right. When this happens you may need to take a moment to figure out what step you missed in the process or did something in the process change. Women go through a lot of computer upgrades so we constantly need to stay up on the new technology. This unique system called your wife needs you to encourage the upgrades and take interest for her health. Take the time to learn the new processes available to you.

Remember you have given each other your body as a gift. Care for that gift and it will last you a lifetime!

Agree to Disagree

So I have to ask the question, does it matter anyway?
So many times we have silly arguments simply for the sake of the argument. The facts remain and they do not affect our marriage in reality, but we spend endless hours debating our side of an opinion. All that comes out of the debate is hurt feelings. So how does this build up our marriages. Sometimes we just need to just let it go.

Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it”.

Politics is a prime area that we may both be divided or simply the discussion of politics causes anxiety because we have no control of the outcome. We are each impressed by different issues and listen to different information we receive. We process the information differently and form our opinions. Politics is one of those areas that it really doesn’t matter when it comes to our marriages. Sure, there are policies that affect our life, but it doesn’t have a place in our relationship with each other. Political parties or policies are going to change, but it doesn’t define who we are or how we make decisions in life. Most policies are written and voted on without us even noticing.
It doesn’t mean never talk about things such as politics or topics that cause conflict. It is important to evaluate how it relates to our day to day. Is it worth sacrificing our marriage and relationship for something we have no control of anyway?

What then:
Let me dispute some crazy ideas that have been taken from the passage and how it relates. Wives, submitting does not mean walking around with your head low, not speaking unless spoken to, and running around as ordered. It is simply respecting your husband and being an active partner in your marriage. There are times you may not agree, but need to drop an issue simply to encourage a healthy marriage. Voice your opinion, but if your husband’s convictions are that important to him, allow him to hold onto those convictions. Respect his position and move forward. He has heard your opinion, it will perculate in his mind and down the road, as he has collected more information, he may come to embrace your opinion or he may not. Don’t be offended. He does love you and agreeing or disagreeing has nothing to do with his love for you.
Husbands are to Love our wives. This sounds pretty simple, but I will admit sometimes it is not. Consider the word Love. It can hold many meanings. That is why the example included in the passage is so important. It is letting go of ourselves even our life itself for our wives. It does not necessarily mean we need to physically die for our wives, but instead put aside ourselves (attitudes, comforts, opinions, schedules, etc.) for the support, encouragement, and protection of our wives. We need to be willing to protect both their physical body and their emotional body even at the expense of our own. How many times have we wounded or crushed our wives emotionally just to prove “We’re the man.” Yes, wives are told to submit to their husbands, but that doesn’t mean we are to lord over them with military force and authority. How is this loving your wife? We need to approach them with sensitivity of heart. Loving them means partnering together to manage the household and relationship. Loving is communicating together and ultimately taking responsibility for the household. We need to accept responsibility for everything that affects our household, good or bad. We also need to validate the opinion of our wives respecting their opinions and convictions. Showing love is treasuring what makes them who they are.

Last thought: Husbands, be wise in the topics you choose. Don’t just bring up topics because you want to hear yourself talk and prove how knowledgeable you are. Choose topics that are going to encourage your relationship and your wife. And wives, you know what riles us up. Do not poke those buttons to start a fight. Find ways to be creative in your marriage and vary your conversation.