How do I?

I have heard so many explanations of how men and women process information. Things like blue hearing and pink hearing, Women’s brains are balls of wire and men’s brains are boxes or my favorite, Women’s brains are spaghetti and men’s brains are like waffles. Any explanation you want is fine. Reality is we all process information differently.

I Corinthians 7:4 “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does”.

I want to start by saying stop thinking in the frame work of us and them. When you were married you gave yourself wholly to the other as a gift. Now it is important to understand that that gift is no longer your own and approach it that way. You are not in a competition, but a team. By being on the same team you work together toward success and happiness. Learn what makes each other work.

Husbands need to learn how their wives operate to start with. You have this gift, but no manual how to work it. Women are very complicated so you have to be careful to offer the right commands or they get all screwed up. Consider a computer. You start it up and it opens all these programs in the background. You start using one program and other functions continue to run. Alerts come up every so often to tell you a function is complete or started; system needs attention, or other details that most of the time you ignore. If you ignore all those alerts and warnings because you are focused and want to get whatever you are doing done. End result, your computer shuts down. If you are lucky it only needs its battery charged, but at the same time all might be lost. Your wife is the same way. You can be going along, but if you do not pay attention to those other functions they will crash. Women not only need input, but they need you to consider setting, needs and emotions. Do not be upset if you are talking about something and it shifts to a whole other topic. They heard the information you gave, but it provoked other thoughts or needs that are connected somehow in their brain. Women multitask in their minds all the time. You just need to take each function in order of importance and focus them down so you can understand. It is not that they are functioning wrong, but we have a hard time keeping up or are so wrapped up in wanting to get done, we miss the clues. Listen for the alerts and respond. Your life will be much happier for it.

Wives also need to understand how your husband functions. We are not so complex and are easily broken. We are a series of crank up music boxes, each with their own handle. If you want a new song you just need to grab a different music box out of our stack. We will only play one music box at a time though or we get confused and just shut down. If no one chooses a box and cranks it up, we stop the music and are happy sitting quiet until a music box is pulled out again. Wives get frustrated because it seems like we do not care. The truth is we have a process we need done because we are not always operating ready to go. You must choose the music (subject or task), let us get it out and then you need to crank the handle (clearly explain what you need and reinforce each stage) you may need to re-crank the handle a few times to get through the song, finally we need you to put that music box away (give us praise for completion). If you leave the music box out and it gets wet, it rusts and stops working. Take care of the music boxes. They are yours now.

I have heard many people say use sex as a motivator; it is your greatest tool. I completely disagree. By holding sex as your motivator and then the next and the next I see many relationships become bitter because of frustration. Of course when things are done and emotions are managed well sex is easier to enjoy, but I would suggest finding other ways of encouraging each other.

Practice different ways of communicating with each other to find what best works in your particular marriage. Understanding that we each process information differently, be patient with each other. As we mature and change those needs or ways we communicate may change as well. It is important we change with those needs. If it seems like we aren’t getting it, you are probably right. When this happens you may need to take a moment to figure out what step you missed in the process or did something in the process change. Women go through a lot of computer upgrades so we constantly need to stay up on the new technology. This unique system called your wife needs you to encourage the upgrades and take interest for her health. Take the time to learn the new processes available to you.

Remember you have given each other your body as a gift. Care for that gift and it will last you a lifetime!

Why Date?

Why do we put ourselves through this ritual of dating? What is the goal to dating? ( Sex, Friendship, Socializing, Escape, Marriage, Etc) With all the pressure of life, why on earth is dating important?

James 4:14 “You do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.”


So often we try to shortcut life. Speed dating, online dating services, mail order marriages, One night stands, or no string relationship. Movies and television show people meeting, moving straight to the bedroom and sex. Hollywood relationships are falling apart in the media left and right because of infidelity. The world is putting a lot of effort into promoting following your feelings, being spontaneous, and living the “grand life”. What is so grand about your life if you are on the fast track and not experiencing it? What is life without happiness!

So why is dating important? Dating begins before marriage to get to know each other. Explore likes and dislikes to find friends that we are compatible with. Dating is often times informal and relaxed so that we can sincerely focus on each other. It may vary between time with one other person or sometimes a group. We spend time sorting through people and finding that one person we have significant interest in. Wahoo, we have made a choice. Now what? We start to focus our time with that one other person. We talk about everything from food, music, family and sex. This is the point in a relationship where we have to define boundaries. Physically, how far is too far? (Teens ask this all the time).

Side Note: Right now I would like to suggest setting that bar at a comfortable place for both of you. Sex is the final step in the marriage ceremony to shift a couple from two flesh to one. Emotionally and physically you are joined together. Save this precious moment together for after your wedding and you will have a far more fulfilling relationship.

This is the point we meet each others parents and start talking about life goals and desires. If everything seems to click we make the next move, Marriage! Beautiful ceremony or justice of the peace, it doesn’t matter. Now you are married and ready for a life of bliss, or are you? You have closed the deal and now you have your spouse. Why does dating matter now? Dates together after marriage are to further your commitment to each other. By devoting specific time to each other you do not allow work and other influences to distract or divide your relationship. This is a time set aside focusing on each other. Not just our normal end to each day. (Until, it is more natural I would suggest putting this time on each others schedule or to-do list.) Dates after being married keep us connected to each other. As we grow and mature this is a time to discuss both physical and emotional changes and explore what we need to keep our marriage alive and interesting. Dates do not need to be complicated, but distractions need to be limited. If the household is only the two of you then a special dessert at home may be just what is needed. If you live with a house full of kids, like us, you may need to be away from the house and kids or may need to choose a different time after the kids are in bed. Being married comes with needs. Have fun shopping at the market together choosing the meals for the next week. Maybe pick out something special that you look forward to on a designated time. After marriage you have to be much more creative with your dates to keep things interesting.

I didn’t learn some of this till after I was run over by a SUV in 2007. So if you have been married for awhile, but had not been setting time aside don't be disheartened. Life is short and my opportunity to do things with my wife and family was almost cut short. There are many things that have changed because I can no longer physically do them. I have learned though that the simple things can be even more special. It is a reminder that life is fragile and can be gone in an instant.

Let me challenge you to schedule time for each other and follow through. Nothing is more important in this world than each other!