How do I?

I have heard so many explanations of how men and women process information. Things like blue hearing and pink hearing, Women’s brains are balls of wire and men’s brains are boxes or my favorite, Women’s brains are spaghetti and men’s brains are like waffles. Any explanation you want is fine. Reality is we all process information differently.

I Corinthians 7:4 “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does”.

I want to start by saying stop thinking in the frame work of us and them. When you were married you gave yourself wholly to the other as a gift. Now it is important to understand that that gift is no longer your own and approach it that way. You are not in a competition, but a team. By being on the same team you work together toward success and happiness. Learn what makes each other work.

Husbands need to learn how their wives operate to start with. You have this gift, but no manual how to work it. Women are very complicated so you have to be careful to offer the right commands or they get all screwed up. Consider a computer. You start it up and it opens all these programs in the background. You start using one program and other functions continue to run. Alerts come up every so often to tell you a function is complete or started; system needs attention, or other details that most of the time you ignore. If you ignore all those alerts and warnings because you are focused and want to get whatever you are doing done. End result, your computer shuts down. If you are lucky it only needs its battery charged, but at the same time all might be lost. Your wife is the same way. You can be going along, but if you do not pay attention to those other functions they will crash. Women not only need input, but they need you to consider setting, needs and emotions. Do not be upset if you are talking about something and it shifts to a whole other topic. They heard the information you gave, but it provoked other thoughts or needs that are connected somehow in their brain. Women multitask in their minds all the time. You just need to take each function in order of importance and focus them down so you can understand. It is not that they are functioning wrong, but we have a hard time keeping up or are so wrapped up in wanting to get done, we miss the clues. Listen for the alerts and respond. Your life will be much happier for it.

Wives also need to understand how your husband functions. We are not so complex and are easily broken. We are a series of crank up music boxes, each with their own handle. If you want a new song you just need to grab a different music box out of our stack. We will only play one music box at a time though or we get confused and just shut down. If no one chooses a box and cranks it up, we stop the music and are happy sitting quiet until a music box is pulled out again. Wives get frustrated because it seems like we do not care. The truth is we have a process we need done because we are not always operating ready to go. You must choose the music (subject or task), let us get it out and then you need to crank the handle (clearly explain what you need and reinforce each stage) you may need to re-crank the handle a few times to get through the song, finally we need you to put that music box away (give us praise for completion). If you leave the music box out and it gets wet, it rusts and stops working. Take care of the music boxes. They are yours now.

I have heard many people say use sex as a motivator; it is your greatest tool. I completely disagree. By holding sex as your motivator and then the next and the next I see many relationships become bitter because of frustration. Of course when things are done and emotions are managed well sex is easier to enjoy, but I would suggest finding other ways of encouraging each other.

Practice different ways of communicating with each other to find what best works in your particular marriage. Understanding that we each process information differently, be patient with each other. As we mature and change those needs or ways we communicate may change as well. It is important we change with those needs. If it seems like we aren’t getting it, you are probably right. When this happens you may need to take a moment to figure out what step you missed in the process or did something in the process change. Women go through a lot of computer upgrades so we constantly need to stay up on the new technology. This unique system called your wife needs you to encourage the upgrades and take interest for her health. Take the time to learn the new processes available to you.

Remember you have given each other your body as a gift. Care for that gift and it will last you a lifetime!

You're on the Same Team

So many things I have read and heard talk about Him and Her as if they are on opposite sides or different teams. I want to address this issue first.


Genesis 2:24 says “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”.

When we are married we are on the same team. We are one unit moving through life. Decisions, Choices and circumstances don’t only affect just one of us, but rather both of us. I hear a lot of He doesn’t listen to me or she doesn’t care what I think. The truth is they both care, but aren’t sure how to clearly signal to the other.

Consider football. On one team there are many players. Each player is focusing on a call or code to signal the job they are required to do for the team. They may not remember what the other players are doing, but they know their job. Each player hears the same call and it means something completely different for each player. Other factors may also affect the way a player responds. Sometimes plays get completely messed up if a player couldn’t hear the call simply because of noise around or other distractions. In this same way we, husband and wives, hear different words and phrases that mean something specific to our job in our relationship. If we get those signals crossed, we end up going different directions and completely missing the needs of each other. Not that we didn’t hear or care, but just didn’t know how to respond based on the signal we received. So many marriages have fallen apart simply because they were running the other way and never got turned around.

So what now: Learn the signals. In football it takes lots of practice to work as a unit and become a winning team. It takes even more to win year after year. So in the same way we need to approach marriage. Practice! When we are newly married we’ve had a chance to get to know each other, but we may not understand what each signal means. It is important that we take the time to talk about everything. For a little while it is important that we give each other complete explanations until we learn the codes that replace long discussions. It is important that we do not shortcut the discussions, creating code words until we are both sure we are both talking about the same thing and expects the same reaction for that word. As we are married longer we do not need to explain everything all the time. But we all have to step back sometimes and talk things out again. When there are kids in the picture code words can be fun as well as essential to a healthy marriage. So practice codes before they are around if possible. Sometimes you may need to change up the calls if they get wise to you.

The games change, the teams change, and the observers change, but the two of you stay the same. Talk to each other!

Topics to discuss: Food (who is fixing it, likes and dislikes, etc), Chores (inside, outside, daily, weekly, who does what), Children (how many, discipline, when to have, education), Belief (what religious teaching/faith, authority, boundaries, etc), intimacy (talking, boundaries, likes/dislikes, sex, foreplay, birth-control, etc.) Family (parents, siblings, holiday schedules, boundaries).
There are so many things that need to be talked out, but this is a short list to get you started.