It is funny how people make assumptions before they know the facts. We have been invited to be part of different married groups. The groups start out with introductions. Usually, someone from the group will thank us for being there and make some comment about how nice it is to have a newlywed couple join them. It always gives us a great chuckle when we see their face after we tell them we have been married 20 plus years. What is it that makes people think we are newlyweds?
Ezekiel 16:13 “Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen and silk and embroidered cloth. You ate fine flour and honey and oil. You grew exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty…for it was perfect through the splendor that I had bestowed on you, declares the Lord God”.
It is your wedding day and you are king and queen for a moment. Standing in front of friends and family you share your vows. More importantly, you shine standing in front. Not because of bright lights or special effects, but with the love that you have for each other. When I think about what a newly married couple is, I think about the glow that they share. Perfect love. Maybe even a glimpse at what God has for us all. Because God is love. I have this picture of the wedding, where the couple is united with a glowing ring around them as God gives His Blessing. It is that moment when everyone can see a glimpse of God.
Whether you are newly married or married for years, that love can always shine through. So what is a newlywed? A couple that has dedicated their life to one another. Young love? A new union where they are now finding their way together? A team with fresh players?
Newlywed is a stage of joy and happiness that is obvious to those around. From the wedding to the honeymoon everyone sees the smiles, hears the laughter, and admires the joy a new couple offers. Newly married couples tend to touch and look at each other a lot also. They exhibit emotion, motion, and words. There is something about being around a new couple that is almost contagious. We all like to be around happy people. New couples are the happiest people to be around.
Being newly married is a time of new fresh beginnings. What were two separate individuals are now a couple. This is the first time you have to work together. Sorting out plans for chores, sharing spaces, learning to live and work together. Change is sometimes tough, but during this time there are hormones to help you. You overlook some little details and are tolerant of each other. This is the time you may forget to talk about things. The skills to communicate are not developed yet, so they choose to ignore some things.
Being a newlywed is a time of happiness, freshness, Joy and love. Just because you have been married for years does not mean you can’t have attributes of a newlywed. Let your love for one another shine through. Keeping your marriage fresh and your commitment strong will give others the impression that you are a newlywed couple also.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Wisdom Comes From Hearing And Observing (Engagement Part 3)
Life has its little ways of reminding you how your choices and actions can be emulated by others watching. For example, a child observing his parents habits or methods of doing things will try to copy them. A son will hammer on a board next to his father’s project, respectfully he will look up, smile at his mentor and return diligently to his task. As the child grows observation becomes guided instruction from the father, given encouragement and wisdom on how to perform the tasks. Finally, he grows to be a man no longer the student, but the teacher for his own children.
Proverbs 19: 20 “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future”.
When it comes to the topic of marriage you will find thousands of how-to books but truth be told “The Encyclopedia of the Perfect Marriage” does not exist. The engagement phase of your pre-marriage relationship is your time to explore the resources and concepts that go into creating the working and loving union of marriage. Though the base elements of a marriage union are similar, such as the need for intimacy, companionship, food, shelter, and such, each relationship is uniquely its own.
Because everyone is unique there needs to be a process that helps a couple get started. You grow up observing your parents and the way they do things. You may have even taken notice of the relationships of close friends and other extended family. How their households functioned may or may not have been similar to yours. Depending on your family you may have even been witness to the dinner table or beauty shop discussions of these differences. The question now is how does it all relate to you and how do you make sense of it as you prepare to be married yourself.
First I would suggest talking to your parents or the person who raised you. If your parents or even grandparents are still married, ask them for some secrets. Make notes, and trust me you will end up referring to them. Give them what if questions, and ask them ways of working through different situations. My wife likes to tell the story of one such talk with her mother.
Mom told her that one day she would wake up, look at “Me” the man next to her in bed and think, “why did I marry him, I don’t even like him right now.” At the time she ardently said she would never think that! Yet to both our surprise, during a difficult season in our marriage we both had to admit, “Mom was right!” I don’t know what was worse, the moment or the fact that we had to admit she was right! The cool thing was, Mom also gave us the tools on how to work through this moment in our relationship. She reminded us to think about what we liked about each other and what drew us together in the first place. From there, we had to identify what was really frustrating us and together work through it. Sometimes friendship is the most important part of your marriage.
If your parents relationship ended in a separation see if they are willing to openly talk about it with you. Ask the questions you have wondered and be genuinely open to the answers. Be sensitive and non judgmental. If there is an openness between you, discuss your perceptions as a child. Exploring these memories and emotions will help you realize your fears and gain insights and wisdoms. Where possible, remember that it takes two people to make a baby. Both view-points will be different yet valuable.
For those who grew up in a less than ideal home environment, such as an abusive relationship. I encourage you to take this time to seek some specialized counseling. You have an opportunity to stop a cycle, but you are going to need to learn different ways to handle conflict. Honestly consider your home exposures. Discuss them together and do not be afraid to seek good council to deal with the dark skeletons that may be lurking in your past. Strong marriage relationships need to be open and honest.
For the rest that grew up in a somewhat regular family you need to talk to you parents as well. It isn’t the obvious things you need to know, but the special moments between your parents when they were alone. What unique things did they do to keep their marriage healthy and together? As with anything involving people and personalities there are things they had to do to learn to work together and be sensitive to each other’s needs. Your greatest source of knowledge will come from your parents.
So now you have this little bit of knowledge, what do you do with it now? Most pastors suggest some sort of premarital counseling before the wedding. This is a great way to get started. Do not feel like there is something wrong with you. This is a time to gain tools to build your marriage on. The more time you invest preparing for marriage, the better you will do after you are married.
As with my wife and I, we were blessed with the guidance of the pastor of the church she had grown up in. During our pre-marital counseling our pastor utilized a survey full of questions. Each of us was tasked with completing the survey and then on the following session we discussed our answers. We learned a lot about each other during this time and how we viewed different subjects and issues. Our pastor simply guided our conversation and offered more points of discussion. By talking about everything from children to sex with someone we trusted, made it easier to talk things through. After counseling we were able to understand each other a little better and felt confident when we did stand in front of everyone on our wedding day. It is important whoever the counselor is, that you trust them. It is a safe place to talk about anything, but know it will not be shared beyond the three of you.
During your engagement there is a lot of obvious details you will both have to take care of, but it is also important to take care of each other. You will be inclined to push hard and try to handle everything, but if something needs to be handed off or you need rest take that time as well. You need to be honest with each other from the start. Premarital counseling is a good way to facilitate that communication. If for some reason you realize you are not compatible, do not be embarrassed to call it off. Marriage is not supposed to be a miserable time together. Spend the time and effort preparing so that you can have a healthy and happy relationship together.
Proverbs 19: 20 “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future”.
When it comes to the topic of marriage you will find thousands of how-to books but truth be told “The Encyclopedia of the Perfect Marriage” does not exist. The engagement phase of your pre-marriage relationship is your time to explore the resources and concepts that go into creating the working and loving union of marriage. Though the base elements of a marriage union are similar, such as the need for intimacy, companionship, food, shelter, and such, each relationship is uniquely its own.
Because everyone is unique there needs to be a process that helps a couple get started. You grow up observing your parents and the way they do things. You may have even taken notice of the relationships of close friends and other extended family. How their households functioned may or may not have been similar to yours. Depending on your family you may have even been witness to the dinner table or beauty shop discussions of these differences. The question now is how does it all relate to you and how do you make sense of it as you prepare to be married yourself.
First I would suggest talking to your parents or the person who raised you. If your parents or even grandparents are still married, ask them for some secrets. Make notes, and trust me you will end up referring to them. Give them what if questions, and ask them ways of working through different situations. My wife likes to tell the story of one such talk with her mother.
Mom told her that one day she would wake up, look at “Me” the man next to her in bed and think, “why did I marry him, I don’t even like him right now.” At the time she ardently said she would never think that! Yet to both our surprise, during a difficult season in our marriage we both had to admit, “Mom was right!” I don’t know what was worse, the moment or the fact that we had to admit she was right! The cool thing was, Mom also gave us the tools on how to work through this moment in our relationship. She reminded us to think about what we liked about each other and what drew us together in the first place. From there, we had to identify what was really frustrating us and together work through it. Sometimes friendship is the most important part of your marriage.
If your parents relationship ended in a separation see if they are willing to openly talk about it with you. Ask the questions you have wondered and be genuinely open to the answers. Be sensitive and non judgmental. If there is an openness between you, discuss your perceptions as a child. Exploring these memories and emotions will help you realize your fears and gain insights and wisdoms. Where possible, remember that it takes two people to make a baby. Both view-points will be different yet valuable.
For those who grew up in a less than ideal home environment, such as an abusive relationship. I encourage you to take this time to seek some specialized counseling. You have an opportunity to stop a cycle, but you are going to need to learn different ways to handle conflict. Honestly consider your home exposures. Discuss them together and do not be afraid to seek good council to deal with the dark skeletons that may be lurking in your past. Strong marriage relationships need to be open and honest.
For the rest that grew up in a somewhat regular family you need to talk to you parents as well. It isn’t the obvious things you need to know, but the special moments between your parents when they were alone. What unique things did they do to keep their marriage healthy and together? As with anything involving people and personalities there are things they had to do to learn to work together and be sensitive to each other’s needs. Your greatest source of knowledge will come from your parents.
So now you have this little bit of knowledge, what do you do with it now? Most pastors suggest some sort of premarital counseling before the wedding. This is a great way to get started. Do not feel like there is something wrong with you. This is a time to gain tools to build your marriage on. The more time you invest preparing for marriage, the better you will do after you are married.
As with my wife and I, we were blessed with the guidance of the pastor of the church she had grown up in. During our pre-marital counseling our pastor utilized a survey full of questions. Each of us was tasked with completing the survey and then on the following session we discussed our answers. We learned a lot about each other during this time and how we viewed different subjects and issues. Our pastor simply guided our conversation and offered more points of discussion. By talking about everything from children to sex with someone we trusted, made it easier to talk things through. After counseling we were able to understand each other a little better and felt confident when we did stand in front of everyone on our wedding day. It is important whoever the counselor is, that you trust them. It is a safe place to talk about anything, but know it will not be shared beyond the three of you.
During your engagement there is a lot of obvious details you will both have to take care of, but it is also important to take care of each other. You will be inclined to push hard and try to handle everything, but if something needs to be handed off or you need rest take that time as well. You need to be honest with each other from the start. Premarital counseling is a good way to facilitate that communication. If for some reason you realize you are not compatible, do not be embarrassed to call it off. Marriage is not supposed to be a miserable time together. Spend the time and effort preparing so that you can have a healthy and happy relationship together.
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