Time and Changes

Does time change things so much that we “fall out of love”? I would have to first ask were you in love in the first place. I have been frustrated and even angry with my wife as I know she has been with me, but it did not change the love we have for each other. When I talk with young couples claiming to have fallen out of love their relationship was infatuation and they didn’t know anything about the real person they were marrying. Don’t mistake lust and love. Proverbs 11:6 “The righteousness of the upright delivers them, but the treacherous are taken captive by their lust”. Emotions are dulled over time and we become desensitized by routine. Studies are quoted about television violence desensitizing our youth. Even though I believe much of the statistics utilized are over-exaggerated, the basic point is true. Without substance in relationship, moral structure, and education we do lose part of compassion or love for another. Relationships take work! There are times we wake up and just need to step back. Figure out what is going on and build each other up. Stress of finances, outside family, and severe life changes can throw a curve in your relationship. By talking it through we can understand each other’s needs and how to meet them. Sometimes it may take a while to provide something needed or as we change can move from need to simply a want. Because of this it is important to always keep communication open. Create priorities together and re-evaluate them regularly. By planning together and discussing changes in priorities we can encourage each other for like goals. Working together towards alike goals encourages our relationship. Not always doing the same thing all the time enlivens our love for each other. By keeping our love and commitment towards each other helps our marriages to last. Plan for the future, but don’t be afraid to change. Change is healthy when it change is developing a stronger commitment to each other. Career’s fall apart regularly, friends come and go, relatives die, but if you have each other you can work through anything.

Husbands Love Bears All Things

Over the years I have had many people comment on how broad my shoulders are. I simply smile and wait as they unload their emotional burdens on them. As a husband it is our responsibility to shoulder the frustrations, hurts, and emotions that are dragging our wives down. For me though, I have found it easier sometimes to help a total stranger than to listen to my wife and her frustrations from the day.

I Corinthians 13:7,8a “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, Love never ends”.

So here it is. The end of what love is according to Corinthians. The reality is, for us as husbands, is to look at this as a new beginning. Love is something to work on and strive to better offer our wives. Each and every one of our marriages would be stronger and better if we simply embodied our responsibility and obeyed the command to love our wives. This does not mean to be weak or passive, but embody all that it is to be love.

Encourage and hold your wives up and model love for your children. Be strong and lead your household in love and they will gladly submit to your direction. Believe in your wives and trust their decisions. Not everything will work out perfect, but come along side them with hope that the best outcome will occur. When things do fall apart encourage them not to give up. Together things will work out if you strive through them TOGETHER! DON”T GIVE UP!

Husbands - Love Does Not Envy

Look around, envy seems to be the American way. We look around and want all the things others have. We’re always looking for the next fad item, cool electronics, exciting house, or just trying to outdo our neighbors. How many times have you stepped back and gone, “he is so lucky, I wish…?

Proverbs 14:30 “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.”

We are all so blessed with the things we have. I have heard so many couples that are having problems simply because of being reactionary and throwing out a comparison. Have you ever made the statement “I wish you were more like…? By desiring the attributes of another person’s wife, an imaginary character from the movies or physical characteristics of someone you’ve seen you give opportunity for hurt in your relationship. Don’t let jealousy and hurt divide your relationship. Focus and care for the blessings you have. Not that desiring to achieve more is wrong, but strive for things for yourself, not because someone else has it.

My wife calls it the Green eyed monster. Don’t focus your thoughts and conversation on another woman. Even if you may not mean to you are giving the impression that you find someone else to be more desirable to you than your wife. Jealousy is in some cases justified and either elicits a fight or flight response. Your wife may separate and become distant to protect themselves emotionally or they may fight to keep you even closer. In some cases it may be because they may be reacting to a woman that is predatory looking to break up your marriage.

Are you placing the importance of things ahead of your relationship? Without even thinking about it we can lose sight of what’s important. By focusing on reaching that next rung on the ladder we may work more hours and focus on social settings more than the things to encourage your marriage and family. Make sure goals and dreams are shared and remember to live. Don’t lose sight on the things that are important together.

Enjoy what you have now.

Husbands - Love is Kind

When we think of love the next word shared to describe love is that it is kind. Webster’s defines kind as having or showing a tender, considerate, and helping nature. So as husbands, we are instructed to love our wives. This in turn means we must be kind to our wives.

Proverbs 11: 17 “A man who is kind benefits himself, but a cruel man hurts himself.”

I know I grew up with a competitive attitude. Whether it was sports, politics, or possessions I was always competing to be the winner. It did not even matter if I cared about what or who I was competing against. Many times I would debate the opposite side simply to be competing so that there was a clear winner and looser even if I didn’t agree with the position I was defending.

How often have we argued with our wives simply to argue? I know the movies imply that arguing is positive, promoting the concept of “make-up sex” or having a barter point for when we want something for ourselves. How many times have we walked away from an argument feeling bad or hurt? In the end nothing positive may come from it at all. Most situations of divorce are simply because of an argument with misunderstandings that never get resolved. How many times were those arguments preventable or not even necessary?

Rather than pushing for an argument that we can win, maybe we might go further in our relationship by being considerate of our wives and their feelings. By being tender, considerate and helping, our relationship is given food to grow. Many studies have shown women are emotional by nature. By feeding their emotions in a positive way we encourage a healthy relationship. Too often we sabotage ourselves by not considering their emotions and reacting to statements without considering the full picture. Our wives may be considering the full impact of a decision and not just the narrow view we are focusing on. Or because of our pride and determination we push to win the argument even though we know we are wrong.

Be slow in decisions and consider all points of view. I know this is very tough for me. I want to make a plan and drive for it without considering the outcome. Many times I make things harder on myself because I fight through my plan until it works or fails miserably, rather than taking the easy way around. Then I have to accept the consequences attached to my decisions.

Being a helper has its own merits. By helping your wife with her burdens, comes great benefit. I know my wife and I both push hard at work as well as at home and anything I can do to take the burden off her makes more time for the two of us together. When I am helpful, I also find our household more at peace when we are running in all the crazy directions we do. Sharing the responsibility of household, children and activities makes it easier to set time aside for each other.

Nurture each other. Practice kindness in your home. Leave competition to when you are playing sports or at work.

Husbands - Love Is Patient

In this world of instant messaging, instant responses, and instant food, we are losing the skills for patience. I love technology personally. I appreciate the ability to get things done quickly and concisely. When technology fails I am quick to become agitated and reactionary. The poor customer service people must dread my phone call and people like me.

Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it.”

I , like many husbands, want to hurry and get to the point. I become impatient and stop listening five minutes after the conversation begins. If I don’t see a purpose or direction in a conversation I find my mind wanders.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized how important it is to go through the process. Like a fine Italian sauce it has to simmer for hours or even days before all the individual ingredients come together creating an incredible explosion of flavor when properly served. Rush it by cooking it at a higher temperature or shorter time and it will be bitter and acidic.

In the same way our conversation with our wives need time to process. Because they are not wired differently all parts of their mind run simultaneously. Everything is interconnected within their mind in ways we might not understand right away. To require your wife to be direct and concise is requiring her to operate different than how she was designed.
Showing love to our wives means we need to go through the process with them. Follow along as they travel through their thoughts and develop a conclusion or decision. As with the sauce the process is as important as the finished product. When rushed feelings are hurt and relationships can begin to sour. Understanding that we may not be able to follow the whole process we still need to be involved. Stir the conversation and be attentive so that you can gather as much information as possible. There may be several conclusions to several different questions developing at one time. When you have heard all the details you can then take each part separately and logically. Together you can logically process the different issues weighing on her mind and set her at ease.

Husbands do not be in a rush! The obvious answer may not be correct after you have all the details. Organize the information she has offered you. Ask her questions on anything you do not understand. By doing this you will earn the right to offer your opinion. Loving your wife is being patient with her. It may take time. BE PATIENT!!!!

What's In A Name

The saying a rose by any other name is still a rose can apply to your marriage as well. No matter what name you use when addressing your spouse does not change the fact you are married. You may use cliche nick names like Honey or Sweetheart. You may try to be a little more regal and biblical with beloved. The reality is we all come up with endearments for our spouse.

Psalm 139:14 “ I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well”.

When we take great care in the names we call our spouse the response is positive. By giving an endearment we create a moment of pleasure simply through the use of a word to label an attribute or image we have of our spouse. It may be corny or even embarrassing if use in mixed company, but should be held special as a secret language between the two of you. A way to put meaning and thought to the special person you married however long ago.

With maturity some endearments may need to change as life changes. Others will last the test of time, always an emphasis to the special commitment you have made to each other. Just as with changes in life there are many changes in setting and timing that we all need to be careful of as well. It is not a good time to use a pet name for your husband with a group of his friends or peers. What creates a warm feeling between the two of you now is destroyed by the jabs he will receive from those around. Husbands should be sensitive to this as well. A cute pet name together can be belittling or embarrassing when mentioned in mixed company. Remember that this is a language and a code for just the two of you.

When my wife and I were still in the engagement part of our relationship her grandmother brought up an important point about names. When we get in arguments it is critical we stay with the issue and not call each other negative names. By calling each other names we cause hurt that could become more of an issue than what we disagreed on in the first place. By keeping name calling out of an argument we could quickly get to the bottom of the issue and resolve the problem. No threats of sleeping on the couch or going to bed mad.

Endearments are part of your language in telling your spouse you love them. Sometimes always saying I love you can become superficial and worked where a simple nick name like “beautiful” can say the same thing. My wife and I would play with words many times trying to come up with synonyms that would imply the same thing. Start with a word like wonderful each taking a turn to come up with different ways to empress the same thing until you get stuck. Then choose a different word and do the same thing. Remember at the same time these are words that you would use to describe your spouse. Find words to use instead of your spouse’s proper name to describe what they mean to you. Use this word in a note or letter to each other. Refer to them with it in bed or a time where it is just the two of you. This is the importance of an endearment.

It is saying “I Love You So Much”.

What's Our Role

So many times I hear the age old saying “who wears that pants in your house”? They imply there is a competition over who is in charge of the household. Let me first say there should never be competition in a household. Husbands and wives have responsibilities within a household. The only way things get done is if we work together as a “TEAM”.

Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Ephesians 5:22 “Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord”.

This is probably one of the most misused portions of scripture in both Christian an non-Christian households. It fascinates me how many times non-Christians that do not grasp the significance of scripture can quote the verses regarding the role of husband and wife.

So let’s take this apart a little bit. First of all I am going to address the husband. Your behavior is key to how a household is to run. We are to follow the example of Christ. We are not to be the authoritarian demanding respect and service from our wives. How did Christ lead the church? Throughout scripture Jesus showed love and compassion even before the church chose to follow him even through His sacrifice on the cross before they understood the significance of his love. I am not say you have to martyr yourself so that your wife understands how much you love them, but I am saying you may need to set your own needs and desires aside for your wife's. Christ gained authority and submission from the church by being an example. By sharing words of encouragement, taking some of the burden from others, relieving suffering, and by giving clear expectations He was able to earn respect and the desire of others to submit to Him. We as husbands have to take the first step by offering love; through encouragement, helping lift some of the burden and communicating clearly any expectations. It is important that we consider our own behavior in our marriage and what example we offer. We must show sincere love and commitment first before we can expect submission from our spouse. Jesus did not leave the church with a huge list of rules to live by. In the same way we should not run our own household burdened by a long set of rules. He instead left us with examples of how we can be successful with life. He did not demand, but simply left the church with a choice. Each day is a new day and with that day come new situations and choices we have to make. In our marriage is the same thing. We offer example and direction with simple rules, but we are not here to force our wives to submit. With time we earn the respect and submission of our wives. In some cases where there is clear communication and time during the dating and engagement phase of a relationship this can be a short process. In other cases where the ground work was not put in place, this may be a long process. But every day will offer new situations and with it decision. It is important not to be condemning when they choose their own path.

Wives, I know this is a sticky point. What does it mean to submit to your own husband? As Christians we desire the direction of Jesus as a starting point in life decisions. Jesus is not there with a big stick to beat us every time we choose to do something contrary to his instruction. That being said any time we choose our own way instead of listening to His direction things are just a bit tougher to get through. Submitting to your husband is simply listening to your husband’s direction and decisions. You may disagree and it is healthy to discuss your thoughts, but ultimately, as long as it does not mean putting yourself in harm’s way, you should respect your husband’s ultimate decision. By showing your husband respect and submitting to their authority there is a lot less conflict in your relationship. Remember in a marriage you are not in competition with each other. You are a team. With being a team someone has to lead and someone has to follow. It has nothing to do with who is stronger, faster, or better. It has to do with defining a chain of command so that life’s challenges can be overcome. If there is a competition over who is in authority then you will both be defeated by all the outside pressures of the world.

Husbands and wives need to understand that the world does not want to see healthy marriages. They work to pervert marriage and tear it apart. A lot of emphasis is put on devaluing marriage. It has even become a political issue where politics should hold no bearing simply because they are focused on it as a contract and not as a commitment. In this day and age there is very little commitment to anything. With our lives in a constant state of preparation for transitions; whether it be location, career, or friends it is hard to understand what commitment truly means. We are taught to look for the loophole in the contract and to defer responsibility. This is not the case with marriage. The minute you make vows to each other you have promised each other and God. Marriage is serious and the roles in marriage are serious. If we can work out the roles and commit our lives to each other, our marriages are the better for it.

Some Things Take TIme

I have been amazed by the number of emails I have received with different questions about marriage citing specific experiences or troubles they have been going through. My blog is not written date specific, but covering different aspects and experiences of marriage and relationships. Some have already started to go back and look a past notes and asking questions.

Matthew 19:8 "He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so."

I do not want to fill in the next stage to marriage until you have time to review thoughts and concepts I already have covered. I want to give you time to decide how or if they are things you can apply in your own marriage. There is no exact textbook about how to have the perfect marriage, but there are some things that can be similar in all marriage. The Bible gives many steps and practices for us to apply in our own lives. These things are timeless.

I want to encourage you to email me if there are specific things you are struggling with. I would like to address things that could be helpful for your relationship as well as share experiences my wife and I have had together.

Remember: Marriage is Forever! Even if you no longer are with your spouse a piece of you stays with them and a piece of them stays with you. Take the time to know each other before you are married with the commitment to forever. There are going to be tough times and you need to be ready to handle them together or call things off before you make a promise of forever. God mourns every time a couple separate. Be an example for your children, family and others around.

Taking The Journey

For most of my life I have been target oriented. When I would take off on a road trip I would tell everyone to use the bathroom now, because we are not stopping until I need to fill the gas tank. There would be moans and groans, but everyone would settle in not believing I would make them wait. Five minutes into the trip someone would test my resolve and find out I was serious. Three hundred miles later, tears streaming down their face, they would break for the door as the car barely swings into the station. I had a schedule and was committed to keep it. I didn’t consider anything but the destination or planned stops. Speeding through life and later regretting I didn’t slow down.

Psalms 77:19 “Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen”.

Marriage is about the journey. Too often we lose sight of everything around, because we become focused on the next landmark. First may be getting through the wedding and then staying married through the three, five or seven year itch, depending on who you talk to. We rush our relationship through the next big landmark so we are not caught in the tragedy of statistics. By being worried about reaching the next big date in our relationship we miss out on the amazing moments with our special someone.

It is important that we slow down and experience the journey. No map or schedule is going to get us through each day, because each day holds its own adventure. Relationship is about learning and developing together. Embrace each day as a new opportunity. It’s a time to get to know something else about each other. As a newlywed do not focus on preparing for that time everyone tells you that you are going to run into trouble in your relationship. There is nothing to say when or why you will struggle in your marriage except if you do not work on it every day. When you stop listening and taking time for each other, problems creep in. Depending on how diligent you are, will define when those struggles will occur. By working on your relationship together each day, those times will be nothing more than a transition in maturity, and you will gain new strength from it.

As you are married longer some things may become routine and lost to the mundane. It is important to relate and recognize this change in relationship and find ways to encourage each other. Life is filled with a series of events so it is important to learn new ways of communicating through them. Showing appreciation to each other for maintaining the routine can be even more important than the rewards for exceptional events. Remember to tell each other how much you Love each other and reinforce it with action. By assuming the other knows leaves an opening for small things to become big issues.

Don’t be in a race to reach the next destination, but be compassionate to each other. Stop when you need and check in with each other. Slow down when your spouse voices a need. Enjoy the journey. You will reach your destination, but be a lot healthier for it.

REMEMBER

It is a bright beautiful morning on the west coast. The sun has risen and everyone is getting ready for school. Preparing for work or school, cartoons playing on the television. Suddenly, that all changed. The shatter of a plate on the ground, still quiet of disbelief, and the air rushed out of our chest. Is this real? Shaken and confused everyone responded in their own way. We saw Americans reach for inhuman bounds for others.

Romans 13:12 “The night is far gone; the day is at hand . So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light.”

So it’s been nine years and I hear a lot of positioning and politics. We are at war in Afganistan and Iraq still. War weary we forget the carnage, the emotion and the resolve to see this through. I hear and see a lot of “we Remember” statements, but when I talk with others many barely remember more than the fringes. So now that your children are grown and time has changed how do you talk about it now.
Be honest! What did you feel, what did you do, how did you respond? My wife and I have made it a point to talk about it, not for purpose of fear, but to share the fortitude and commitment that everyone offered each other. We rallied together as Americans. Committed to seeing things through. Now it’s been nine years and we have returned to a mundane routine. Everyone is war weary and no longer have the commitment to see things through. Looking for who’s to blame for the war. We all desired to see those responsible brought to justice. Now we are given “politically correct” statements. Don’t use terrorist, give them rights as citizens, and get out as soon as we can.

My wife and I talked with our kids about all the details and experiences as well as what they remember. It doesn’t feel real anymore. We talk about the changes that have occurred. Security at airports and other facilities have been increased. Life is slower to ensure everyone’s safety. Life is now more complicated. We supported the decision to go to war and protect our way of life. We are still committed to see that decision through.

My wife and I have felt the sorrow of loss, cried for those lost, and remembered a time of fear and insecurity. We believe it is important that our kids understand that insecurity, but not live in fear today. We have decided to raise our children with compassion and love for others. Not telling them to just be walked over, but to care and respect all people. The lesson from September 11th should be the compassion we have showed each other during a time of heart ache and loss as well as a commitment to protect ourselves and our neighbors.

TEACH RESPECT! TEACH DETERMINATION!