I have been amazed by the number of emails I have received with different questions about marriage citing specific experiences or troubles they have been going through. My blog is not written date specific, but covering different aspects and experiences of marriage and relationships. Some have already started to go back and look a past notes and asking questions.
Matthew 19:8 "He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so."
I do not want to fill in the next stage to marriage until you have time to review thoughts and concepts I already have covered. I want to give you time to decide how or if they are things you can apply in your own marriage. There is no exact textbook about how to have the perfect marriage, but there are some things that can be similar in all marriage. The Bible gives many steps and practices for us to apply in our own lives. These things are timeless.
I want to encourage you to email me if there are specific things you are struggling with. I would like to address things that could be helpful for your relationship as well as share experiences my wife and I have had together.
Remember: Marriage is Forever! Even if you no longer are with your spouse a piece of you stays with them and a piece of them stays with you. Take the time to know each other before you are married with the commitment to forever. There are going to be tough times and you need to be ready to handle them together or call things off before you make a promise of forever. God mourns every time a couple separate. Be an example for your children, family and others around.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Taking The Journey
For most of my life I have been target oriented. When I would take off on a road trip I would tell everyone to use the bathroom now, because we are not stopping until I need to fill the gas tank. There would be moans and groans, but everyone would settle in not believing I would make them wait. Five minutes into the trip someone would test my resolve and find out I was serious. Three hundred miles later, tears streaming down their face, they would break for the door as the car barely swings into the station. I had a schedule and was committed to keep it. I didn’t consider anything but the destination or planned stops. Speeding through life and later regretting I didn’t slow down.
Psalms 77:19 “Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen”.
Marriage is about the journey. Too often we lose sight of everything around, because we become focused on the next landmark. First may be getting through the wedding and then staying married through the three, five or seven year itch, depending on who you talk to. We rush our relationship through the next big landmark so we are not caught in the tragedy of statistics. By being worried about reaching the next big date in our relationship we miss out on the amazing moments with our special someone.
It is important that we slow down and experience the journey. No map or schedule is going to get us through each day, because each day holds its own adventure. Relationship is about learning and developing together. Embrace each day as a new opportunity. It’s a time to get to know something else about each other. As a newlywed do not focus on preparing for that time everyone tells you that you are going to run into trouble in your relationship. There is nothing to say when or why you will struggle in your marriage except if you do not work on it every day. When you stop listening and taking time for each other, problems creep in. Depending on how diligent you are, will define when those struggles will occur. By working on your relationship together each day, those times will be nothing more than a transition in maturity, and you will gain new strength from it.
As you are married longer some things may become routine and lost to the mundane. It is important to relate and recognize this change in relationship and find ways to encourage each other. Life is filled with a series of events so it is important to learn new ways of communicating through them. Showing appreciation to each other for maintaining the routine can be even more important than the rewards for exceptional events. Remember to tell each other how much you Love each other and reinforce it with action. By assuming the other knows leaves an opening for small things to become big issues.
Don’t be in a race to reach the next destination, but be compassionate to each other. Stop when you need and check in with each other. Slow down when your spouse voices a need. Enjoy the journey. You will reach your destination, but be a lot healthier for it.
Psalms 77:19 “Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen”.
Marriage is about the journey. Too often we lose sight of everything around, because we become focused on the next landmark. First may be getting through the wedding and then staying married through the three, five or seven year itch, depending on who you talk to. We rush our relationship through the next big landmark so we are not caught in the tragedy of statistics. By being worried about reaching the next big date in our relationship we miss out on the amazing moments with our special someone.
It is important that we slow down and experience the journey. No map or schedule is going to get us through each day, because each day holds its own adventure. Relationship is about learning and developing together. Embrace each day as a new opportunity. It’s a time to get to know something else about each other. As a newlywed do not focus on preparing for that time everyone tells you that you are going to run into trouble in your relationship. There is nothing to say when or why you will struggle in your marriage except if you do not work on it every day. When you stop listening and taking time for each other, problems creep in. Depending on how diligent you are, will define when those struggles will occur. By working on your relationship together each day, those times will be nothing more than a transition in maturity, and you will gain new strength from it.
As you are married longer some things may become routine and lost to the mundane. It is important to relate and recognize this change in relationship and find ways to encourage each other. Life is filled with a series of events so it is important to learn new ways of communicating through them. Showing appreciation to each other for maintaining the routine can be even more important than the rewards for exceptional events. Remember to tell each other how much you Love each other and reinforce it with action. By assuming the other knows leaves an opening for small things to become big issues.
Don’t be in a race to reach the next destination, but be compassionate to each other. Stop when you need and check in with each other. Slow down when your spouse voices a need. Enjoy the journey. You will reach your destination, but be a lot healthier for it.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
REMEMBER
It is a bright beautiful morning on the west coast. The sun has risen and everyone is getting ready for school. Preparing for work or school, cartoons playing on the television. Suddenly, that all changed. The shatter of a plate on the ground, still quiet of disbelief, and the air rushed out of our chest. Is this real? Shaken and confused everyone responded in their own way. We saw Americans reach for inhuman bounds for others.
Romans 13:12 “The night is far gone; the day is at hand . So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light.”
So it’s been nine years and I hear a lot of positioning and politics. We are at war in Afganistan and Iraq still. War weary we forget the carnage, the emotion and the resolve to see this through. I hear and see a lot of “we Remember” statements, but when I talk with others many barely remember more than the fringes. So now that your children are grown and time has changed how do you talk about it now.
Be honest! What did you feel, what did you do, how did you respond? My wife and I have made it a point to talk about it, not for purpose of fear, but to share the fortitude and commitment that everyone offered each other. We rallied together as Americans. Committed to seeing things through. Now it’s been nine years and we have returned to a mundane routine. Everyone is war weary and no longer have the commitment to see things through. Looking for who’s to blame for the war. We all desired to see those responsible brought to justice. Now we are given “politically correct” statements. Don’t use terrorist, give them rights as citizens, and get out as soon as we can.
My wife and I talked with our kids about all the details and experiences as well as what they remember. It doesn’t feel real anymore. We talk about the changes that have occurred. Security at airports and other facilities have been increased. Life is slower to ensure everyone’s safety. Life is now more complicated. We supported the decision to go to war and protect our way of life. We are still committed to see that decision through.
My wife and I have felt the sorrow of loss, cried for those lost, and remembered a time of fear and insecurity. We believe it is important that our kids understand that insecurity, but not live in fear today. We have decided to raise our children with compassion and love for others. Not telling them to just be walked over, but to care and respect all people. The lesson from September 11th should be the compassion we have showed each other during a time of heart ache and loss as well as a commitment to protect ourselves and our neighbors.
TEACH RESPECT! TEACH DETERMINATION!
Romans 13:12 “The night is far gone; the day is at hand . So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light.”
So it’s been nine years and I hear a lot of positioning and politics. We are at war in Afganistan and Iraq still. War weary we forget the carnage, the emotion and the resolve to see this through. I hear and see a lot of “we Remember” statements, but when I talk with others many barely remember more than the fringes. So now that your children are grown and time has changed how do you talk about it now.
Be honest! What did you feel, what did you do, how did you respond? My wife and I have made it a point to talk about it, not for purpose of fear, but to share the fortitude and commitment that everyone offered each other. We rallied together as Americans. Committed to seeing things through. Now it’s been nine years and we have returned to a mundane routine. Everyone is war weary and no longer have the commitment to see things through. Looking for who’s to blame for the war. We all desired to see those responsible brought to justice. Now we are given “politically correct” statements. Don’t use terrorist, give them rights as citizens, and get out as soon as we can.
My wife and I talked with our kids about all the details and experiences as well as what they remember. It doesn’t feel real anymore. We talk about the changes that have occurred. Security at airports and other facilities have been increased. Life is slower to ensure everyone’s safety. Life is now more complicated. We supported the decision to go to war and protect our way of life. We are still committed to see that decision through.
My wife and I have felt the sorrow of loss, cried for those lost, and remembered a time of fear and insecurity. We believe it is important that our kids understand that insecurity, but not live in fear today. We have decided to raise our children with compassion and love for others. Not telling them to just be walked over, but to care and respect all people. The lesson from September 11th should be the compassion we have showed each other during a time of heart ache and loss as well as a commitment to protect ourselves and our neighbors.
TEACH RESPECT! TEACH DETERMINATION!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
When Lightening Strikes
I love to curl up with my wife and watch a lightening storm role in. The thunder rumbles and shakes the walls and the sky lights up. It is amazing the lightening as it flashes from the sky striking the ground. It transmits energy into the air. The electricity causes the hair to stand up all over my body. My mind draws to the thrill of the storm. I feel exhilarated by the excitement.
Colossians 1:17 “And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together”.
What is it about the newlywed stage of a relationship that catches us all? The newlywed offers unique attributes that are easily observed by everyone around. It is a time of energy, touch, and connection far different than any other stage in life. It is about being together before the dynamics of career and kids shift our priorities.
The greatest observable energy between two people is during the newlywed phase. There is electricity that bonds two people no matter where they are in a room. Even though they are separated by distance they will connect in some way to each other. Their time apart is usually limited. They have an understanding of each other when in a group that they naturally care for each other’s needs. Those around them feel that energy and avoid disrupting that connection.
Contact is very important to a newlywed couple. A newlywed couple will touch each other with small gentle brushes or reaches of security. They embrace each other in a way that does not let others invade their moment. A hair drops in the way of her face and the husband may gently brush it aside. They hold hands as they move through a room. As if glued together they stand hip to hip shoulder to shoulder a bound not easily divided. When in public they can be seen kissing, hugging and touching. They are physically engaged with each other.
The other attribute is the glow that radiates from them. Even tired there is a smile that shows on their whole face. As you watch you may catch a glimpse of the twinkle in their eye or a flush of innocent embarrassment when they realize they are being watched. Happiness is the one emotion that consumes them. Some may even comment on how they glow. Different than at the wedding, but still a shine that depicts the emotions they have inside.
So with all the outward expression for everyone to see, what is going on inside? Just as the eyes are a window to the heart their joy is bubbling. There are moments where they have to work through changes, but exhilaration helps to overcome initial difficulties. Newlywed couples are accommodating to each other, passionate and emotional, engaging and consumed about each other’s convictions, willing to compromise, desiring to please.
Being a newlywed is a special time of marriage. The interaction between two people in love does not need to end because everyone says it is time. Being a newlywed is a unique time. Treasure it! Remember, just because you are married for two, five, seven or even thirty years does not mean certain attributes of being newlyweds has to be lost. Connection and commitment to each other as a newlywed can continue through your entire marriage with communication and adoration for each other. Maturity will change reactions and order of importance, but it does not mean the dreamy euphoria of being a newlywed needs to be lost. The magnetic connection that keeps you linked even when you are apart. Protect your relationship with each other. If you have not been feeling that special something in your relationship for some time, maybe it’s time you let lightening strike again in your life.
Colossians 1:17 “And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together”.
What is it about the newlywed stage of a relationship that catches us all? The newlywed offers unique attributes that are easily observed by everyone around. It is a time of energy, touch, and connection far different than any other stage in life. It is about being together before the dynamics of career and kids shift our priorities.
The greatest observable energy between two people is during the newlywed phase. There is electricity that bonds two people no matter where they are in a room. Even though they are separated by distance they will connect in some way to each other. Their time apart is usually limited. They have an understanding of each other when in a group that they naturally care for each other’s needs. Those around them feel that energy and avoid disrupting that connection.
Contact is very important to a newlywed couple. A newlywed couple will touch each other with small gentle brushes or reaches of security. They embrace each other in a way that does not let others invade their moment. A hair drops in the way of her face and the husband may gently brush it aside. They hold hands as they move through a room. As if glued together they stand hip to hip shoulder to shoulder a bound not easily divided. When in public they can be seen kissing, hugging and touching. They are physically engaged with each other.
The other attribute is the glow that radiates from them. Even tired there is a smile that shows on their whole face. As you watch you may catch a glimpse of the twinkle in their eye or a flush of innocent embarrassment when they realize they are being watched. Happiness is the one emotion that consumes them. Some may even comment on how they glow. Different than at the wedding, but still a shine that depicts the emotions they have inside.
So with all the outward expression for everyone to see, what is going on inside? Just as the eyes are a window to the heart their joy is bubbling. There are moments where they have to work through changes, but exhilaration helps to overcome initial difficulties. Newlywed couples are accommodating to each other, passionate and emotional, engaging and consumed about each other’s convictions, willing to compromise, desiring to please.
Being a newlywed is a special time of marriage. The interaction between two people in love does not need to end because everyone says it is time. Being a newlywed is a unique time. Treasure it! Remember, just because you are married for two, five, seven or even thirty years does not mean certain attributes of being newlyweds has to be lost. Connection and commitment to each other as a newlywed can continue through your entire marriage with communication and adoration for each other. Maturity will change reactions and order of importance, but it does not mean the dreamy euphoria of being a newlywed needs to be lost. The magnetic connection that keeps you linked even when you are apart. Protect your relationship with each other. If you have not been feeling that special something in your relationship for some time, maybe it’s time you let lightening strike again in your life.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Vacation
Second Honeymoon
My parents took our kids for the last few weeks, since summer vacation started. This is the first time in quite a while we have been without kids for several weeks. It has been a great time to get to know each other and explore new desires and dreams. We both feel it was a second honeymoon even though we stayed at home. I will be back writing on the series next week. For all who are following have a great vacation as well. Renew, relive, and find new. Life changes so change together!
My parents took our kids for the last few weeks, since summer vacation started. This is the first time in quite a while we have been without kids for several weeks. It has been a great time to get to know each other and explore new desires and dreams. We both feel it was a second honeymoon even though we stayed at home. I will be back writing on the series next week. For all who are following have a great vacation as well. Renew, relive, and find new. Life changes so change together!
Friday, June 4, 2010
It’s a Newlywed Thing
It is funny how people make assumptions before they know the facts. We have been invited to be part of different married groups. The groups start out with introductions. Usually, someone from the group will thank us for being there and make some comment about how nice it is to have a newlywed couple join them. It always gives us a great chuckle when we see their face after we tell them we have been married 20 plus years. What is it that makes people think we are newlyweds?
Ezekiel 16:13 “Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen and silk and embroidered cloth. You ate fine flour and honey and oil. You grew exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty…for it was perfect through the splendor that I had bestowed on you, declares the Lord God”.
It is your wedding day and you are king and queen for a moment. Standing in front of friends and family you share your vows. More importantly, you shine standing in front. Not because of bright lights or special effects, but with the love that you have for each other. When I think about what a newly married couple is, I think about the glow that they share. Perfect love. Maybe even a glimpse at what God has for us all. Because God is love. I have this picture of the wedding, where the couple is united with a glowing ring around them as God gives His Blessing. It is that moment when everyone can see a glimpse of God.
Whether you are newly married or married for years, that love can always shine through. So what is a newlywed? A couple that has dedicated their life to one another. Young love? A new union where they are now finding their way together? A team with fresh players?
Newlywed is a stage of joy and happiness that is obvious to those around. From the wedding to the honeymoon everyone sees the smiles, hears the laughter, and admires the joy a new couple offers. Newly married couples tend to touch and look at each other a lot also. They exhibit emotion, motion, and words. There is something about being around a new couple that is almost contagious. We all like to be around happy people. New couples are the happiest people to be around.
Being newly married is a time of new fresh beginnings. What were two separate individuals are now a couple. This is the first time you have to work together. Sorting out plans for chores, sharing spaces, learning to live and work together. Change is sometimes tough, but during this time there are hormones to help you. You overlook some little details and are tolerant of each other. This is the time you may forget to talk about things. The skills to communicate are not developed yet, so they choose to ignore some things.
Being a newlywed is a time of happiness, freshness, Joy and love. Just because you have been married for years does not mean you can’t have attributes of a newlywed. Let your love for one another shine through. Keeping your marriage fresh and your commitment strong will give others the impression that you are a newlywed couple also.
Ezekiel 16:13 “Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen and silk and embroidered cloth. You ate fine flour and honey and oil. You grew exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty…for it was perfect through the splendor that I had bestowed on you, declares the Lord God”.
It is your wedding day and you are king and queen for a moment. Standing in front of friends and family you share your vows. More importantly, you shine standing in front. Not because of bright lights or special effects, but with the love that you have for each other. When I think about what a newly married couple is, I think about the glow that they share. Perfect love. Maybe even a glimpse at what God has for us all. Because God is love. I have this picture of the wedding, where the couple is united with a glowing ring around them as God gives His Blessing. It is that moment when everyone can see a glimpse of God.
Whether you are newly married or married for years, that love can always shine through. So what is a newlywed? A couple that has dedicated their life to one another. Young love? A new union where they are now finding their way together? A team with fresh players?
Newlywed is a stage of joy and happiness that is obvious to those around. From the wedding to the honeymoon everyone sees the smiles, hears the laughter, and admires the joy a new couple offers. Newly married couples tend to touch and look at each other a lot also. They exhibit emotion, motion, and words. There is something about being around a new couple that is almost contagious. We all like to be around happy people. New couples are the happiest people to be around.
Being newly married is a time of new fresh beginnings. What were two separate individuals are now a couple. This is the first time you have to work together. Sorting out plans for chores, sharing spaces, learning to live and work together. Change is sometimes tough, but during this time there are hormones to help you. You overlook some little details and are tolerant of each other. This is the time you may forget to talk about things. The skills to communicate are not developed yet, so they choose to ignore some things.
Being a newlywed is a time of happiness, freshness, Joy and love. Just because you have been married for years does not mean you can’t have attributes of a newlywed. Let your love for one another shine through. Keeping your marriage fresh and your commitment strong will give others the impression that you are a newlywed couple also.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Wisdom Comes From Hearing And Observing (Engagement Part 3)
Life has its little ways of reminding you how your choices and actions can be emulated by others watching. For example, a child observing his parents habits or methods of doing things will try to copy them. A son will hammer on a board next to his father’s project, respectfully he will look up, smile at his mentor and return diligently to his task. As the child grows observation becomes guided instruction from the father, given encouragement and wisdom on how to perform the tasks. Finally, he grows to be a man no longer the student, but the teacher for his own children.
Proverbs 19: 20 “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future”.
When it comes to the topic of marriage you will find thousands of how-to books but truth be told “The Encyclopedia of the Perfect Marriage” does not exist. The engagement phase of your pre-marriage relationship is your time to explore the resources and concepts that go into creating the working and loving union of marriage. Though the base elements of a marriage union are similar, such as the need for intimacy, companionship, food, shelter, and such, each relationship is uniquely its own.
Because everyone is unique there needs to be a process that helps a couple get started. You grow up observing your parents and the way they do things. You may have even taken notice of the relationships of close friends and other extended family. How their households functioned may or may not have been similar to yours. Depending on your family you may have even been witness to the dinner table or beauty shop discussions of these differences. The question now is how does it all relate to you and how do you make sense of it as you prepare to be married yourself.
First I would suggest talking to your parents or the person who raised you. If your parents or even grandparents are still married, ask them for some secrets. Make notes, and trust me you will end up referring to them. Give them what if questions, and ask them ways of working through different situations. My wife likes to tell the story of one such talk with her mother.
Mom told her that one day she would wake up, look at “Me” the man next to her in bed and think, “why did I marry him, I don’t even like him right now.” At the time she ardently said she would never think that! Yet to both our surprise, during a difficult season in our marriage we both had to admit, “Mom was right!” I don’t know what was worse, the moment or the fact that we had to admit she was right! The cool thing was, Mom also gave us the tools on how to work through this moment in our relationship. She reminded us to think about what we liked about each other and what drew us together in the first place. From there, we had to identify what was really frustrating us and together work through it. Sometimes friendship is the most important part of your marriage.
If your parents relationship ended in a separation see if they are willing to openly talk about it with you. Ask the questions you have wondered and be genuinely open to the answers. Be sensitive and non judgmental. If there is an openness between you, discuss your perceptions as a child. Exploring these memories and emotions will help you realize your fears and gain insights and wisdoms. Where possible, remember that it takes two people to make a baby. Both view-points will be different yet valuable.
For those who grew up in a less than ideal home environment, such as an abusive relationship. I encourage you to take this time to seek some specialized counseling. You have an opportunity to stop a cycle, but you are going to need to learn different ways to handle conflict. Honestly consider your home exposures. Discuss them together and do not be afraid to seek good council to deal with the dark skeletons that may be lurking in your past. Strong marriage relationships need to be open and honest.
For the rest that grew up in a somewhat regular family you need to talk to you parents as well. It isn’t the obvious things you need to know, but the special moments between your parents when they were alone. What unique things did they do to keep their marriage healthy and together? As with anything involving people and personalities there are things they had to do to learn to work together and be sensitive to each other’s needs. Your greatest source of knowledge will come from your parents.
So now you have this little bit of knowledge, what do you do with it now? Most pastors suggest some sort of premarital counseling before the wedding. This is a great way to get started. Do not feel like there is something wrong with you. This is a time to gain tools to build your marriage on. The more time you invest preparing for marriage, the better you will do after you are married.
As with my wife and I, we were blessed with the guidance of the pastor of the church she had grown up in. During our pre-marital counseling our pastor utilized a survey full of questions. Each of us was tasked with completing the survey and then on the following session we discussed our answers. We learned a lot about each other during this time and how we viewed different subjects and issues. Our pastor simply guided our conversation and offered more points of discussion. By talking about everything from children to sex with someone we trusted, made it easier to talk things through. After counseling we were able to understand each other a little better and felt confident when we did stand in front of everyone on our wedding day. It is important whoever the counselor is, that you trust them. It is a safe place to talk about anything, but know it will not be shared beyond the three of you.
During your engagement there is a lot of obvious details you will both have to take care of, but it is also important to take care of each other. You will be inclined to push hard and try to handle everything, but if something needs to be handed off or you need rest take that time as well. You need to be honest with each other from the start. Premarital counseling is a good way to facilitate that communication. If for some reason you realize you are not compatible, do not be embarrassed to call it off. Marriage is not supposed to be a miserable time together. Spend the time and effort preparing so that you can have a healthy and happy relationship together.
Proverbs 19: 20 “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future”.
When it comes to the topic of marriage you will find thousands of how-to books but truth be told “The Encyclopedia of the Perfect Marriage” does not exist. The engagement phase of your pre-marriage relationship is your time to explore the resources and concepts that go into creating the working and loving union of marriage. Though the base elements of a marriage union are similar, such as the need for intimacy, companionship, food, shelter, and such, each relationship is uniquely its own.
Because everyone is unique there needs to be a process that helps a couple get started. You grow up observing your parents and the way they do things. You may have even taken notice of the relationships of close friends and other extended family. How their households functioned may or may not have been similar to yours. Depending on your family you may have even been witness to the dinner table or beauty shop discussions of these differences. The question now is how does it all relate to you and how do you make sense of it as you prepare to be married yourself.
First I would suggest talking to your parents or the person who raised you. If your parents or even grandparents are still married, ask them for some secrets. Make notes, and trust me you will end up referring to them. Give them what if questions, and ask them ways of working through different situations. My wife likes to tell the story of one such talk with her mother.
Mom told her that one day she would wake up, look at “Me” the man next to her in bed and think, “why did I marry him, I don’t even like him right now.” At the time she ardently said she would never think that! Yet to both our surprise, during a difficult season in our marriage we both had to admit, “Mom was right!” I don’t know what was worse, the moment or the fact that we had to admit she was right! The cool thing was, Mom also gave us the tools on how to work through this moment in our relationship. She reminded us to think about what we liked about each other and what drew us together in the first place. From there, we had to identify what was really frustrating us and together work through it. Sometimes friendship is the most important part of your marriage.
If your parents relationship ended in a separation see if they are willing to openly talk about it with you. Ask the questions you have wondered and be genuinely open to the answers. Be sensitive and non judgmental. If there is an openness between you, discuss your perceptions as a child. Exploring these memories and emotions will help you realize your fears and gain insights and wisdoms. Where possible, remember that it takes two people to make a baby. Both view-points will be different yet valuable.
For those who grew up in a less than ideal home environment, such as an abusive relationship. I encourage you to take this time to seek some specialized counseling. You have an opportunity to stop a cycle, but you are going to need to learn different ways to handle conflict. Honestly consider your home exposures. Discuss them together and do not be afraid to seek good council to deal with the dark skeletons that may be lurking in your past. Strong marriage relationships need to be open and honest.
For the rest that grew up in a somewhat regular family you need to talk to you parents as well. It isn’t the obvious things you need to know, but the special moments between your parents when they were alone. What unique things did they do to keep their marriage healthy and together? As with anything involving people and personalities there are things they had to do to learn to work together and be sensitive to each other’s needs. Your greatest source of knowledge will come from your parents.
So now you have this little bit of knowledge, what do you do with it now? Most pastors suggest some sort of premarital counseling before the wedding. This is a great way to get started. Do not feel like there is something wrong with you. This is a time to gain tools to build your marriage on. The more time you invest preparing for marriage, the better you will do after you are married.
As with my wife and I, we were blessed with the guidance of the pastor of the church she had grown up in. During our pre-marital counseling our pastor utilized a survey full of questions. Each of us was tasked with completing the survey and then on the following session we discussed our answers. We learned a lot about each other during this time and how we viewed different subjects and issues. Our pastor simply guided our conversation and offered more points of discussion. By talking about everything from children to sex with someone we trusted, made it easier to talk things through. After counseling we were able to understand each other a little better and felt confident when we did stand in front of everyone on our wedding day. It is important whoever the counselor is, that you trust them. It is a safe place to talk about anything, but know it will not be shared beyond the three of you.
During your engagement there is a lot of obvious details you will both have to take care of, but it is also important to take care of each other. You will be inclined to push hard and try to handle everything, but if something needs to be handed off or you need rest take that time as well. You need to be honest with each other from the start. Premarital counseling is a good way to facilitate that communication. If for some reason you realize you are not compatible, do not be embarrassed to call it off. Marriage is not supposed to be a miserable time together. Spend the time and effort preparing so that you can have a healthy and happy relationship together.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Relationships Stage 2 Part 2 ( Engagement)
I love sitting on the beach, looking out at the movement of the sea. The beauty and power of the waves exhilarate me as they rush towards the shore. Starting out as a small bump it gains power. As it contacts the ocean floor it increases in size. Finally, it changes shape and shows its power. Quickly, it goes from the ripple that passes under to an incredible force. I am simply amazed by the power of a wave.
Luke 2:19 “But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart”.
Now that you have asked the question you have entered a whole new realm in your relationship. There are several traditions and activities that surround this time, but most important it is a time of preparation. Engagement is a time of special events and planning. What was a quiet commitment between the both of you is now public. You have announced to the world that you are a couple and have welcomed that same audience to celebrate with you or even critique the possibilities before you.
Parties:
There will be parties to celebrate the upcoming wedding, but also a time to gather friends and family around. They will shower you with fun and playful banter, but also ask the questions you need to think through. Friends will share embarrassing moments both from your life and theirs. A new bond is forming and deeper character is being exposed.
Questions:
This is an opportunity for you to ask specific questions regarding marriage. Look at your families and analyze what their marriages are like. What elements do you want in your marriage and what things do you want to do differently? You may even discuss why your parents did or didn’t do certain thing. It is possible they wanted the same things, but it was not possible because of circumstances and situations. Consider events, emotions and choices your parents made. You may be faced with many similar choices in your life.
Do not be surprised by the millions of questions you will be asked. Like a celebrity before a camera, many will want to know, no topic is sacred, and the settings are unpredictable. Ponder every question and answer truthful from your heart. This is not a time to offer a quick answer. Those around care about you and desire you to make the best choices possible for your life. Some questions do not require an answer, but simply offer something to think about. Be willing, not agitated.
Birth Control:
Make sure you have discussed birth control, as well as children. Have a plan. Consider on occasion they do not work. If you are planning on using something like the pill remember it takes some time for it to metabolize in your system to do the job. Consult wise council on this topic at least ninety days before your wedding day. Discuss alternatives, both types and applications. (Note: ooh gross is a normal response to some options.)
Emotions:
Consider the emotions you will be feeling. You need to get a handle on yourselves. As you begin to move to the next stage of your relationship you feel even more exhilarated. If you don’t keep your hormones in check they will run away with you. Those same hormones will make your wedding day the best day possible if you wait. Your emotions are flying high during this time in your life so you will discover a newer intensity in your senses. Your reactions will be more magnified in a way you have never felt before. You have found a new sense of happiness when you are together and longing when you are apart. Understand your feelings. Talk to your parents about their experiences or a trusted friend. You are going to be sensitive and you need someone to help keep you balanced. You may also need or want some more accountability, hormones are a powerful thing, it is okay to have reinforcements to help you keep them under control.
Just like the wave, the energy and speed of events and emotions will move faster and faster as you get closer to your wedding. Doubts may also materialize at this time. Explore those thoughts too. If during you engagement you or your future spouse struggle with infidelity you need to slow down and take a reality check. Marriage does not fix problems. Nor will it stop abuse, only magnify it. Lust and conquest are not love. Self confidence is not gained by uniting with another. A marriage relationship is a special union of intimacy and friendship, strengthened and intensified by love and faith. Your engagement time is that final opportunity to check and double check your commitment. The unique pressures will expose the flaws or the beauty. Infidelity and abuse are not going to get better after you are married. You cannot change the other person to suit you. Most likely you will compromise to suit them after you are married. This is the time to figure things out before the marriage commitment. Embrace your engagement, enjoy it, learn from it, and utilize the moments to their fullest.
Luke 2:19 “But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart”.
Now that you have asked the question you have entered a whole new realm in your relationship. There are several traditions and activities that surround this time, but most important it is a time of preparation. Engagement is a time of special events and planning. What was a quiet commitment between the both of you is now public. You have announced to the world that you are a couple and have welcomed that same audience to celebrate with you or even critique the possibilities before you.
Parties:
There will be parties to celebrate the upcoming wedding, but also a time to gather friends and family around. They will shower you with fun and playful banter, but also ask the questions you need to think through. Friends will share embarrassing moments both from your life and theirs. A new bond is forming and deeper character is being exposed.
Questions:
This is an opportunity for you to ask specific questions regarding marriage. Look at your families and analyze what their marriages are like. What elements do you want in your marriage and what things do you want to do differently? You may even discuss why your parents did or didn’t do certain thing. It is possible they wanted the same things, but it was not possible because of circumstances and situations. Consider events, emotions and choices your parents made. You may be faced with many similar choices in your life.
Do not be surprised by the millions of questions you will be asked. Like a celebrity before a camera, many will want to know, no topic is sacred, and the settings are unpredictable. Ponder every question and answer truthful from your heart. This is not a time to offer a quick answer. Those around care about you and desire you to make the best choices possible for your life. Some questions do not require an answer, but simply offer something to think about. Be willing, not agitated.
Birth Control:
Make sure you have discussed birth control, as well as children. Have a plan. Consider on occasion they do not work. If you are planning on using something like the pill remember it takes some time for it to metabolize in your system to do the job. Consult wise council on this topic at least ninety days before your wedding day. Discuss alternatives, both types and applications. (Note: ooh gross is a normal response to some options.)
Emotions:
Consider the emotions you will be feeling. You need to get a handle on yourselves. As you begin to move to the next stage of your relationship you feel even more exhilarated. If you don’t keep your hormones in check they will run away with you. Those same hormones will make your wedding day the best day possible if you wait. Your emotions are flying high during this time in your life so you will discover a newer intensity in your senses. Your reactions will be more magnified in a way you have never felt before. You have found a new sense of happiness when you are together and longing when you are apart. Understand your feelings. Talk to your parents about their experiences or a trusted friend. You are going to be sensitive and you need someone to help keep you balanced. You may also need or want some more accountability, hormones are a powerful thing, it is okay to have reinforcements to help you keep them under control.
Just like the wave, the energy and speed of events and emotions will move faster and faster as you get closer to your wedding. Doubts may also materialize at this time. Explore those thoughts too. If during you engagement you or your future spouse struggle with infidelity you need to slow down and take a reality check. Marriage does not fix problems. Nor will it stop abuse, only magnify it. Lust and conquest are not love. Self confidence is not gained by uniting with another. A marriage relationship is a special union of intimacy and friendship, strengthened and intensified by love and faith. Your engagement time is that final opportunity to check and double check your commitment. The unique pressures will expose the flaws or the beauty. Infidelity and abuse are not going to get better after you are married. You cannot change the other person to suit you. Most likely you will compromise to suit them after you are married. This is the time to figure things out before the marriage commitment. Embrace your engagement, enjoy it, learn from it, and utilize the moments to their fullest.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Relationships Stage 2, Part 1(Engagement)
You walk into a jewelry store and mention you are looking at engagement rings. In an instant all the sales staff converges on you wanting to share their knowledge of diamonds. Your head is filled with information on cut, clarity and color. You feel weak in the knees as they ramble about price and financing. Finally, you run out overwhelmed at all that goes into the choice of a simple ring. How much harder is it going to be once you are married? The pit of your stomach churns in the anxiety of whether you are making the right decision or not. How do you know what’s right?
Matthew 19:4,5 “He answered, Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”?
You swoon at the thought of THE question and anticipate the date. If you are the man you brain storm ideas, what is the right way to propose? As the woman you imagine the moment, a soft smile upon your lips and explore the ideas of the perfect proposal with friends. All you want is to know that you are both feeling and thinking the same way.
After you get your legs under you and have decided on a ring, it is time to finalize the commitment. For some that may mean going to her father for permission. Not a bad idea to be on the good side of her father and mother. Once you have their blessing, what is going to be the best way to ask? Mom and Dad may have some ideas on this topic also. You can also include them in the process to allow more creativity or adventure. Then there is always the issue of the parents that are not so “excited” about the concept. Like in a medieval sword fight, the heaviest emotional blow can come from the doubting words of a parent, sometimes your own. Or you may be met with the test of wills and the devil’s advocate approach. If you truly love the women you are inquiring about, these moments will not daunt you. Consider them your first micro lesson on marriage, ponder all the comments, the result will be a slightly stronger foundation for your relationship. Remember, parents love their children deeply.
Now on the other hand, there is a school of thought that says, “Why does it matter what the parents think?” True it is your life, but remember, they are going to become part of your life too or have been part of your life for a very long time and like to be included. If you choose not to be a traditionalist in this area, it is okay but do not be surprised if the topic is brought up over and over again through the course of your relationship. We call this “being historical” and this particular element of the young relationship is one parents seem to remember. The story of the engagement and all the events will live and be told a long time. If you doubt this concept, consider the tales of Robin Hood. What do you hear about most? His deeds or his relationship…
I have heard many different amazing proposals. Don’t feel pressure from any of them. You need to make it special to the two of you.
Matthew 19:4,5 “He answered, Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”?
You swoon at the thought of THE question and anticipate the date. If you are the man you brain storm ideas, what is the right way to propose? As the woman you imagine the moment, a soft smile upon your lips and explore the ideas of the perfect proposal with friends. All you want is to know that you are both feeling and thinking the same way.
After you get your legs under you and have decided on a ring, it is time to finalize the commitment. For some that may mean going to her father for permission. Not a bad idea to be on the good side of her father and mother. Once you have their blessing, what is going to be the best way to ask? Mom and Dad may have some ideas on this topic also. You can also include them in the process to allow more creativity or adventure. Then there is always the issue of the parents that are not so “excited” about the concept. Like in a medieval sword fight, the heaviest emotional blow can come from the doubting words of a parent, sometimes your own. Or you may be met with the test of wills and the devil’s advocate approach. If you truly love the women you are inquiring about, these moments will not daunt you. Consider them your first micro lesson on marriage, ponder all the comments, the result will be a slightly stronger foundation for your relationship. Remember, parents love their children deeply.
Now on the other hand, there is a school of thought that says, “Why does it matter what the parents think?” True it is your life, but remember, they are going to become part of your life too or have been part of your life for a very long time and like to be included. If you choose not to be a traditionalist in this area, it is okay but do not be surprised if the topic is brought up over and over again through the course of your relationship. We call this “being historical” and this particular element of the young relationship is one parents seem to remember. The story of the engagement and all the events will live and be told a long time. If you doubt this concept, consider the tales of Robin Hood. What do you hear about most? His deeds or his relationship…
I have heard many different amazing proposals. Don’t feel pressure from any of them. You need to make it special to the two of you.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Mini Series Stage One (dating) Part Two
Consider how a pressure cooker works. To start you throw into your pot: veggies, meat, seasonings and water. You lock down the lid and set the top-not on the top. You turn on the fire under the pot to heat up the contents. For a while it seems like nothing is happening. Then you see steam begin to escape. What is going on? The pressure is building up inside along with heating the contents. Soon the top-not is screaming around in a circle with the release of steam. When it’s done you turn off the heat and wait for the steam to finish escaping. When it stops you open the lid and find the delicious contents inside.
Proverbs 27:2 “Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips”.
So what is dating for anyway? Is it a time for conquest leading to sex? If you ask most teenagers or young college that is their answer. The only reason they put out any effort is that final reward. If this is what they think, maybe first we need to ask who has been their teacher? Is it television and movies? Have they relied on their friends? As parents what have we modeled or told them? Sometimes those cool stories of days past can result in conflicting information.
Dating is a time for conversation. This is not a time to brag about all your accomplishments, but share things with each other. A good start may be something as simple as talking about what you read or watch on television. This may lead to conversation on your likes and dislikes. Do you both have similar interests? As you get to know each other talk more about things that worry you or what you dream of. One of the most complicated topics to explore are the what if’s. It may involve your relationship together, career promotion or loss, injury, and death. Quite simply dating conversation is anything you can read about, watch on television, what if about, worry about, or dream about. ALL topics are fair game.
Dating is an opportunity to play together. Not like play dates as children, but adult adventures. It may be as simple as a dinner and a movie or as exotic as a mountain climbing trip. This is an opportunity to share activities you like with another person. If this is the person you marry, are they going to support the activities you like when you are not working? Realize it does not mean they have to like everything you do, but can they support the time, money and other friends that are involved in that activity. What types of food do you each enjoy? This may be a chance to try something different, something you would have never considered before. Just a thought: sometimes exotic food can seem cool, but it may be extremely expensive and not satisfying. Be prepared just in case you need to stop off somewhere else for dessert. Don’t be upset if you or your companion doesn’t like something the other person does. It is our differences that make us special, and the goal of dating is to discover all these special nuances.
Dating prepares you for the family. Realize that if you marry that other person you are now related to a whole host of other people. Take the time to learn about each other’s families. Discuss traditions and upbringing. Is this a family you can get along with? Can you support their traditions and expectations or will you expect the other person to change? If you expect them to change you will need to discuss it before you meet their family.
Just like that boiling pressure cooker there is a lot involved in dating. You slowly turn on the heat and with it your relationship slowly blends. With heat and pressure the flavors slowly mix together. After you remove the pot from the heat, you can taste the blended result. Do the flavors you added work together? In other words when you have talked through what makes each of you unique, are you a good fit? Do you have heat? If the answer is yes, then you can work on sharing that meal with the others that are important to you. Let your families meet and learn about the things that make the two of you a special couple. Without pressure and heat the pressure cooker won’t work right. If you try to short cut the process such as jumping straight to sex and physical gratification it takes something away from the relationship. Dating or the processes associated with dating are very important to the overall recipe of the relationship. Remember, you are ultimately dating to find your mate!
Proverbs 27:2 “Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips”.
So what is dating for anyway? Is it a time for conquest leading to sex? If you ask most teenagers or young college that is their answer. The only reason they put out any effort is that final reward. If this is what they think, maybe first we need to ask who has been their teacher? Is it television and movies? Have they relied on their friends? As parents what have we modeled or told them? Sometimes those cool stories of days past can result in conflicting information.
Dating is a time for conversation. This is not a time to brag about all your accomplishments, but share things with each other. A good start may be something as simple as talking about what you read or watch on television. This may lead to conversation on your likes and dislikes. Do you both have similar interests? As you get to know each other talk more about things that worry you or what you dream of. One of the most complicated topics to explore are the what if’s. It may involve your relationship together, career promotion or loss, injury, and death. Quite simply dating conversation is anything you can read about, watch on television, what if about, worry about, or dream about. ALL topics are fair game.
Dating is an opportunity to play together. Not like play dates as children, but adult adventures. It may be as simple as a dinner and a movie or as exotic as a mountain climbing trip. This is an opportunity to share activities you like with another person. If this is the person you marry, are they going to support the activities you like when you are not working? Realize it does not mean they have to like everything you do, but can they support the time, money and other friends that are involved in that activity. What types of food do you each enjoy? This may be a chance to try something different, something you would have never considered before. Just a thought: sometimes exotic food can seem cool, but it may be extremely expensive and not satisfying. Be prepared just in case you need to stop off somewhere else for dessert. Don’t be upset if you or your companion doesn’t like something the other person does. It is our differences that make us special, and the goal of dating is to discover all these special nuances.
Dating prepares you for the family. Realize that if you marry that other person you are now related to a whole host of other people. Take the time to learn about each other’s families. Discuss traditions and upbringing. Is this a family you can get along with? Can you support their traditions and expectations or will you expect the other person to change? If you expect them to change you will need to discuss it before you meet their family.
Just like that boiling pressure cooker there is a lot involved in dating. You slowly turn on the heat and with it your relationship slowly blends. With heat and pressure the flavors slowly mix together. After you remove the pot from the heat, you can taste the blended result. Do the flavors you added work together? In other words when you have talked through what makes each of you unique, are you a good fit? Do you have heat? If the answer is yes, then you can work on sharing that meal with the others that are important to you. Let your families meet and learn about the things that make the two of you a special couple. Without pressure and heat the pressure cooker won’t work right. If you try to short cut the process such as jumping straight to sex and physical gratification it takes something away from the relationship. Dating or the processes associated with dating are very important to the overall recipe of the relationship. Remember, you are ultimately dating to find your mate!
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